At age 4, success is...not peeing in your pants.
   At age 12, success is...having friends.
     At age 16, success is...having a driver's license.
       At age 20, success is...having sex.
        At age 35, success is...having money.
        At age 50, success is...having money.
       At age 60, success is...having sex.
     At age 70, success is...having a driver's license.
   At age 75, success is...having friends.
At age 90, success is...not peeing in your pants.

1. Raising a teenager is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.
2. Wrinkles don’t hurt.
3. Families are like fudge, mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4. Today’s mighty oak is just yesterday’s nut that held its ground.
5. Laughing is good exercise. It’s like jogging on the inside.
6. Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the joy

The women of the Tiwi tribe in the South Pacific are married at birth.

When Albert Einstein died, his final words died with him. The nurse at his side didn’t understand German.

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I hate it when people interrupt you with their own solutions. Like you’re telling a story about how you avoided an accident, and before you finish they jump in and say what you should have done.

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“Twenty-Five Things It Took Me Over
50 Years To Learn” by Dave Barry

1. The badness of a movie is directly proportional to the number of helicopters in it.

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Subject: Actual letter to the Canadian Passport office

Dear Mr. Minister,

I’m in the process of renewing my passport, and still cannot believe this.

How is it that Radio Shack has my address and telephone number and knows that I bought a t.v. cable from them back in 1997, and yet, the Federal Government is still asking me where I was born and on what date.

For Christ sakes, do you guys do this by hand?
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* “Is there chicken in your vegetarian gumbo?” — Asked of a waitress.
* “Just the chicken.” — The response a waitress gave when asked if there were any dairy products in a soup.
* “Would you like cream and sugar with that?” — Asked by a waitress when a customer specified orange juice instead of coffee as part of a breakfast meal.

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• “Open seven days a week. Closed Sundays.” — On the bottom of a pizza parlor’s take-out menu.
• “Parking for drive-through customers only.” — A sign at a McDonald’s in California.

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“I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I have was that I didn’t study Latin harder in school so I could converse with those people” — Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle

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