Abraham Jefferson Lincoln, a.k.a. The Sexy Ocelot, born at the Lincoln Memorial Hospital (1809-2008) to a Black-Jewish-Italian-Native American man, and an eight foot tall she-bear, was an outspoken slavery advocate, world renound plumber, massoose, triangle player[2], racist stand-up comedian, and pimp who became President of the United States after a voting mishap. In the early years of his career, he was famous for his offensive jokes about Blacks that he put in his speeches promoting slavery. Often considered the Michael Richards of the 1800’s, Lincoln’s acts typically included jokes about slavery, Africa, your mom, and Kentuckistan Fried Chicken. However, as racism slowly started to become unacceptable in society, he moved on to insulting women in his act. Historians such as Sain of Lycia said this was a smart move on Lincoln’s part because “making fun of women will never age”. Eventually, Lincoln become president through a bizarre, freakish voting discrepancy involving Oprah[3], a Slaxe, and rabid squirrels. During the beginning of the American Civil War, Lincoln was granted Emergency Powers by the first mentally disabled member of the Senate in order to quickly quell the rebellion. Near the end of the war, the Senate had nearly no power, and many people began to worry about the US becoming an Empire. Lincoln tore up a petition called the Petiton of Senators Against Emergency Powers Used to Gain More Power. This prompted John Wilkes Boothy, a senator, to assasinate Lincoln at Fords Theater, ending his reign as dictatorial leader. Abe Lincoln was also a reknowed samurai and zombie slayer.

Being one of America’s most good-looking Presidents[4], Lincoln is therefore accepted as one of America’s greatest Presidents. A great strategist, Lincoln reportedly[5] made sure that tall lecterns were installed on the stage wherever he debated an opponent, thereby ensuring that the audience couldn’t actually see his opponent (let alone hear him).

The not-so-funny people at wikipedia have a different opinion on this.