LETTER FROM A FARM KID, NOW AT SAN DIEGO MARINE CORPS RECRUIT DEPOT

Dear Ma and Pa:

I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before maybe all of the places are filled. I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m., but am getting so I like to sleep late.
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A farmer buys several pigs, hoping to breed them. After several weeks, he notices that none of the pigs are getting pregnant, so he calls a vet for help. The vet tells the farmer that he should try artificial insemination.

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Did you hear about the guy from Kentucky who passed away and left his entire estate in trust for his beloved widow? She can’t touch it till she’s fourteen.
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How did the aliens hurt the farmer?
They trod on his corn.

Did you hear about the farmer you ploughed his field with a steamroller ?
He wanted to grow mash potatoes!

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Even more clues you could be a Redneck…

You can entertain yourself for more than an hour with a fly swatter.
You’ve ever been pumping gas and another customer asks you to check his oil.
You think the Bud Bowl is real.
Your dog goes “oink!”
You think the Nutcracker is something you did off the high dive.
Your mailbox is made out of old auto parts.
You know how to milk a goat.
Your kids have a three-day old Kool-Aid mustache.
Your TV gets 512 channels, but you go outside to use the bathroom.
You’ve ever stood outside a bathroom and heckled someone inside.
Turning on your lights involves pulling a string.
You have a refrigerator just for beer.
You come back from the dump with more than you took.
Your wife owns a camouflage nightie.
You’ve ever worn cowboy boots with Bermuda shorts.
You don’t think baseball players spit and scratch too much.
You think the Styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention of all time.
You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree to relieve yourselves.
The most common phrase heard in your house is, “Somebody go jiggle the handle.”
You can’t take a nap without at least one hand tucked inside your pants.

10. The monitor is up on blocks.
9. Outgoing faxes have tobacco stains on them.
8. The six front keys have rotted out.
7. The extra RAM slots have Dodge truck parts stored in them.
6. The numeric keypad only goes up to six.
5. The password is “Bubba”.
4. There’s a gun rack mounted on the CPU.
3. There’s a Skoal can in the CD-ROM drive.
2. The keyboard is camouflaged. AND the number 1 way to tell if a Redneck has been working on a computer is…
1. The mouse is referred to as a “critter”.

Q: How do you know you’ve been kidnapped by a redneck?

A: He’s asking 2 million dollars ransom in unmarked million dollar bills.

You might be a Redneck Jedi if…
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1. You’ve ever cut your grass and found a car.
2. You own a home that is mobile and 5 cars that aren’t.
3. You think the stock market has a fence around it.

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“Hard drive” — Trying to climb a steep, muddy hill with 3 flat tires and pulling a trailer load of fertilizer.

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‘Twas the night before Christmas And all through the trailer Not a creature was stirrin’ ‘Cept a redneck named Taylor. His first name was Bubba, Joe was his middle, And a-runnin’ down his chin Was a trickle of spittle. His socks, they were hung by the chimney with care, And therefore there was a foul stench in the air.

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A visiting professor at the University of Alabama is giving a seminar on the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks: “How many people here believe in ghosts?” About 90 students raise their hands.

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You might be a redneck if. . .

You think harass is two words. You consider fast food hitting a deer at 65 MPH. Every day someone comes to your house mistakingly thinking your having a yard sale. Fifth grade was the best six years of your life. You have more dogs than the local shelter. You consistantly receive credit card offers with a limit of $

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If I could rearrange the alphabet, Id sure shootin put U and me together.
I may not have as many teeth as Fred Flinstone, but wanna watch me make my bedrock?
Your eyes are the same color as my 1972 Ford Pickup Truck. I mean without the mud. Or the nude girl on the mud flaps. Read More…

HOW TO SAY, “I LOVE YOU” IN 20 DIFFERENT LANGUAGES:

English . . . . . . . . . .I Love You

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A redneck is walking along the beach in France. There are many beautiful women lying in the sun, and he really wants to meet one. But try as he might, the women don’t seem to be at all interested. Finally, as a last resort, he walks up to a French guy lying on the beach who is surrounded by adoring women.

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A redneck wanted to learn how to sky dive. He got an instructor and started lessons. The instructor told the redneck to jump out of the plane and pull his rip cord. The instructor then explained that he himself would jump out right behind him so that they would go down together. The redneck understood and was ready.

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A visiting professor at the University of Alabama is giving a seminar on the supernatural.

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A hillbilly farmer from back in the hills walked twelve miles, one way, to the general store.

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A lawyer, a doctor, and a redneck were driving through the desert when they suddenly ran out of gas. They all decided to start walking to the nearest town (which they had passed 50 miles back) to get some help.

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