From a strictly mathematical viewpoint it goes like this:
What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

Here’s a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:
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Page yourself over the intercom. Don’t disguise your voice.

Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Wear them one day after you boss does. This is especially effective if your boss is of a different gender than you.

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Even more clues you could be a Redneck…

You can entertain yourself for more than an hour with a fly swatter.
You’ve ever been pumping gas and another customer asks you to check his oil.
You think the Bud Bowl is real.
Your dog goes “oink!”
You think the Nutcracker is something you did off the high dive.
Your mailbox is made out of old auto parts.
You know how to milk a goat.
Your kids have a three-day old Kool-Aid mustache.
Your TV gets 512 channels, but you go outside to use the bathroom.
You’ve ever stood outside a bathroom and heckled someone inside.
Turning on your lights involves pulling a string.
You have a refrigerator just for beer.
You come back from the dump with more than you took.
Your wife owns a camouflage nightie.
You’ve ever worn cowboy boots with Bermuda shorts.
You don’t think baseball players spit and scratch too much.
You think the Styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention of all time.
You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree to relieve yourselves.
The most common phrase heard in your house is, “Somebody go jiggle the handle.”
You can’t take a nap without at least one hand tucked inside your pants.

Top 30 Allusions to Stupidity:

1. A few clowns short of a circus.

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This information came over the internet some years ago. It purports to be the answers given by students in science exams around the world. It came with the comment that “it is truly astonishing what weird science our young scholars can create under the pressure of time and grades?.” I was unable to trace the author, but as the work deserves wider dissemination, I present here the answers of most interest to a medical audience.

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Mr. Bates was introducing his family members to his Psychiatrist friend. Bates: Please meet my wife Mrs. Bates, my daughter Miss Bates and then my son Master Bates. Psychiatrist: Does he? Send him to my clinic. I will make him alright.

Otis, Henry, and Tom were sitting in a bar discussing their wives.
Henry started by saying, “I think my wife is fooling around on me. I went home the other day and found a hammer and a saw under our bed. I think she is cheatin’ on me with a carpenter!”

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10. The monitor is up on blocks.
9. Outgoing faxes have tobacco stains on them.
8. The six front keys have rotted out.
7. The extra RAM slots have Dodge truck parts stored in them.
6. The numeric keypad only goes up to six.
5. The password is “Bubba”.
4. There’s a gun rack mounted on the CPU.
3. There’s a Skoal can in the CD-ROM drive.
2. The keyboard is camouflaged. AND the number 1 way to tell if a Redneck has been working on a computer is…
1. The mouse is referred to as a “critter”.

Q: How do you know you’ve been kidnapped by a redneck?

A: He’s asking 2 million dollars ransom in unmarked million dollar bills.

These are NOT made up. These are the actual titles of Country Songs…

1. Get Your Biscuits In The Oven And Your Buns In Bed
2. Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth ‘Cause I’m Kissing You Goodbye
3. How Can I Miss You If You Won’t Go Away?
4. I Can’t Get Over You, So Why Don’t You Get Under Me?
5. I Don’t Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling
6. I Got In At 2 With a 10, And Woke Up At 10 With a 2
7. I Hate Every Bone In Your Body Except For Mine
8. I Keep Forgettin’ I Forgot About You
9. I Liked You Better Before I Knew You So Well
10. I Still Miss You Baby, But My Aim’s Gettin’ Better
11. I Wouldn’t Take Her To A Dog Fight, Cause I’m Afraid She’d Win
12. I’ll Marry You Tomorrow But Let’s Honeymoon Tonite
13. I’m So Miserable Without You, It’s Like Having You Here
14. I’ve Got Tears in My Ears From Lying On My Back Crying my eyes out over you
15. If I Had Shot You When I Wanted To, I’d Be Out By Now
16. Mama Get A Hammer (There’s A Fly On Papa’s Head)
17. My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink, And I Don’t Love Jesus
18. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, and I Sure Do Miss Him
19. Please Bypass this Heart
20. She Got The Ring and I Got The Finger
21. You’re The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly

Nowhere, Vermont

Sam had been in the hectic newspaper business for twenty-five years when he decided that he was sick of the stress and quit his job. He bought 50 acres of land in the middle of Nowhere, Vermont. His place was so isolated that the postman came only once a week and he went to the grocery store only once a month.

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‘Twas the night before Christmas And all through the trailer Not a creature was stirrin’ ‘Cept a redneck named Taylor. His first name was Bubba, Joe was his middle, And a-runnin’ down his chin Was a trickle of spittle. His socks, they were hung by the chimney with care, And therefore there was a foul stench in the air.

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Jeff Foxworthy in the Middle ages

You know you’re Castle Trash if……

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After having their 10th child, an Arkansas couple decided that that was enough. So the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn’t want to have any more children.

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This rich guy from the north is driving his Lincoln Continental down
to New Orleans. Along the way he picks up a redneck.

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A visiting professor at the University of Alabama is giving a seminar on the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks: “How many people here believe in ghosts?” About 90 students raise their hands.

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You might be a redneck if. . .

You think harass is two words. You consider fast food hitting a deer at 65 MPH. Every day someone comes to your house mistakingly thinking your having a yard sale. Fifth grade was the best six years of your life. You have more dogs than the local shelter. You consistantly receive credit card offers with a limit of $

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Clem pulled over the car by the side of the road and showed Jed where he’d first had sex.

“It was right down there by that tree. I remember the day plainly. It was a warm summer day. She and I were so much in love. We walked down to the tree and made love for hours,” Clem recalled. Read More…

One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm. The wife turns over and says, “I’m sorry honey, I’ve got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.”

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This guy goes into a doctors and says, “Doctor, doctor you’ve gotta help me. I just can’t stop having sex!”

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A man and a woman were waiting at the hospital donation center.

Man: “What are you doing here today?”

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Condom Slogans

1. Cover your stump before you hump.
2. Before you attack her, wrap your rapper.
3. Don’t be silly, protect your willy.
4. When in doubt, shroud your spout.
5. Don’t be a loner, cover your boner.
6. You can’t go wrong if you shield your dong.
7. If you’re not going to sack it, go home and whack it.
8. If you think she’s spunky, cover your monkey.
9. If you slip between her thighs, be sure to condomize.
10. It will be sweeter if you wrap your peter.
11. She won’t get sick if you wrap your dick
12. If you go into heat, package your meat.
13. While you’re undressing venus, dress up that penis.
14. When you take off her pants and blouse, be sure to suit up your trouser mouse.
15. Especially in December, gift wrap your member.
16. Never, never deck her with an unwrapped pecker.
17. Don’t be a fool, vulcanize your tool.
18. The right selection! Protect your erection.
19. Wrap it in foil before checking her oil.
20. A crank with armor will never harm her.
21. If yo really love her, wear a cover.
22. Don’t make a mistake! Muzzle your snake.
23. Sex is cleaner with a packaged wiener.
24. If you can’t shield your rocket, leave it in your pocket.
25. No glove, No love.
26. Don’t be in such a jiffy, cover your stiffy.
27. AIDS is no joke, be sure to wrap before you poke.
28. Even though you’re tired and sleepy, take the time to wrap your pee-pee.
29. You know you shouldy wear a condom on that woody.

Little Johnny was 7 years old, and like other boys his age, rather curious. He had been hearing quite a bit about courting from other boys and he wondered what it was and how it was done.

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I absolutley hate sex on the television…..

I keep falling off!

Once upon a time, there once was a traveling salesman who’s wife was a well known sex addict. But because the man could not be home all of the time, he often worried about his wife’s faithfulness. He had noticed that she had been eyeing the young neighbor boy who cut their lawn recently. So one day the man decided to try to do something about this. After work the man entered a sexual aid shop and asked the owner to show him the selection of dildos.

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There’s this couple and they’ve been dating for quite some time. He wants her really bad, but she won’t sleep with him because she’s saving herself for marriage. As they were kissing, and doing their thing, he’s very hot and bothered, and he said, “Oh come on, just a feel.”

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TOP 10 REASONS FISHING IS BETTER THAN SEX….
10. LASTS FROM DAWN TILL DUSK
9. YOU HAVE YOUR OWN SECRET HOLE
8. ALLOWED SEVERAL FISH DAILY
7. CAN CHOOSE THE LENGTH OF YOUR ROD
6. CAN FISH ANY TIME OF THE MONTH
5. YOU CLEAN IT BEFORE YOU EAT IT
4. ABLE TO TAKE A NAP WHILE YOU FISH
3. THE COST OF BAIT IS CHEAPER THAN A DATE
2. YOU CAN ALWAYS THROW IT BACK
1. YOUR FAVORITE CATCH CAN BE MOUNTED ON THE WALL

Jack was walking around when he noticed a ladder that went up into the clouds. After climbing the first cloud he met a stinky, unattractive woman who said, “Have sex with me or climb the ladder to success.”

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There once was a man named Dave, who found a dead whore in a cave. She was ugly as shit and missing one tit, but think of the money he saved!

The Madam opens the brothel door to see an elderly man standing in the
doorway. His clothes are all dishevelled and he looks…well, “needy”.
“Can I help you?” the Madam asks. “I want Natalie”, the old man replies. “Sir, Natalie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps someone else…?”
“No. I want Natalie.”

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What’s the difference between a drug dealer and a prostitute?

A prostitute can wash her crack and sell it again.

An old sailor goes to a brothel, where he chooses his girl and begins.

“How am I doing?” He asks.
“Three knots,” she replies.
“Three knots? What’s that mean?”

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One night, a cabby picked up a nun. While he was driving, the cabby suddenly started to laugh insanely.

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One night, at a party, The host asked his guests:

“How many here believe in ghosts?”
Everyone put up their hand.

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There was a hooker with a bunch of other hookers. The police came, and said for all of the girls to line up.

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Three women always hang their laundry out in the backyard. When it rains, however, the laundry always get wet. All the laundry, that is, except for Sophie’s. The other two women wonder why Sophie never has her laundry out on the days that it rains.

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There were several women sitting around talking at their weekly club meeting.The topic of birth control came up and they started
comparing methods.

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You know that Storks bring babys of course. What kind of bird
definitely does not bring babys?

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Tom’s dream was to marry a sweet, innocent virgin. He’d been going with Jane for a few months, when he decided to test her. As they drove along in the car, he unzipped his fly, turned to her and said, “Do you want to see my wee-wee?” She yelled, “No!No! Please zip up your fly!” Instead of being annoyed, Tom was happy.

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Q. What’s the definition of a lesbian?

A. A woman doing a man’s job better again!

A man was on his first business trip to Japan, and he decided to check out the local Whore House. He walked in and was assigned a young girl with a body that got him “up” immediately. As soon as they reached the room, he started ripping her clothes off and going to town.

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An old woman walks into a drug store and asks the young man behind the counter if they sell extra large condoms. The clerk looks at the woman quizzically, but shrugs and tells her “yes, we do.
They’re right here behind the counter.”

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