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How did the aliens hurt the farmer?
They trod on his corn.
Did you hear about the farmer you ploughed his field with a steamroller ?
He wanted to grow mash potatoes!
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Q: Did you hear about the Irishman who was tap dancing?
A: He broke his ankle when he fell into the sink.
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Northerners visiting the South Information for Northerners Visiting the Southern States
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Britney Spears, Pete Wentz and Akon were in an elevator and somebody farted. Pete said it wasn’t him, Akon said it wasn’t him so Britney sang oops. The next day all 3 of them were in an elevator and somebody farted and it wasn’t pete or Akon. It was Britney so she sang “oops I did it again”.
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The Great Photos of the Day are not funny, well .. not all the time. But they can get you to smile. And make you think. Guaranteed.
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An old Native American wanted a loan for $500. He approached his local banker. The banker pulled out the loan application, asking, “What are you going to do with the money?”
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An Indian chief is driving his Cadillac somewhere at Nevada. Suddenly his car gets broken. He examines it, and reveals that a technician must be called. But the chief has only $4, and no credit card (unfortunately B-) ). So he gathers some wood, makes a fire and signals his tribe with its smoke: “Hey, send somebody to my location with $500!” The tribe accepts this signal, but to make sure in its meaning, signals back - once again, with the smoke:
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The Centre for Disease Control in Atlanta today announced the identification of a new disease.
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Long ago, in the days when all disks flopped in the breeze and the writing of words was on a star, the Blue Giant dug for the people the Pea Sea. But he needed a creature who could sail the waters, and would need for support but few rams.
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21. If you have a 14-inch monitor that says VGA on it, set the display to true color, 1024 x 768. You’ll never again have to worry about people reading confidential files over your shoulder.
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PROGRAM (pro’-gram)
[n] A magic spell cast over a computer allowing it to turn one’s input into error messages.
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41. When you need to change the toner cartridge, call tech support. Changing a toner cartridge is an extremely complex task, and Hewlett-Packard recommends that it be performed only by a professional engineer with a master’s degree in nuclear physics.
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A programmer had been missing from work for over a week when finally someone noticed and called the cops.
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Unix
You shoot yourself in the foot.
DOS
You keep running up against the one-bullet barrier.
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A Microsoft support man goes to a firing range. He shoots 10 bullets at the target 50m away. Then the supervisors check the target and see that there’s not even a single hit, and they shout to him that he missed completely. So he tells them to recheck, and gets the same answer. Then he put his finger at the top of the gun and shoots, blasting off his finger. When he saw it he shouted back “I don’t know, it’s working perfectly here, the problem must yours…”
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Once upon a midnight dreary, fingers cramped and vision bleary, System manuals piled high and wasted paper on the floor, Longing for the warmth of bed sheets, still I sat there doing spreadsheets. Having reached the bottom line I took a floppy from the drawer, I then invoked the SAVE command and waited for the disk to store, Only this and nothing more.
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WASHINGTON, D.C. (AP, Sept. 2, 2002) — Senate Majority Leader Ray Noorda (P-Utah) today demanded that the Department of Justice order Microsoft and Netscape to cease development of new Internet browsers, saying the ever-escalating battle for Internet dominance had sapped the American economy of its vitality.
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In a surprise announcement today, Microsoft President Steve Ballmer revealed that the Redmond-based company will allow computer resellers and end-users to customize the appearance of the Blue Screen of Death (BSOD), the screen that displays when the Windows operating system crashes.
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I’ve been working on a project at work to ensure all our end users know how to back up data in preparation for company wide computer upgrades. I’m tempted to hand this out to some of our users.
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Here is a story about one of the classic computer hacks.
Back in the mid-1970s, several of the system support staff at Motorola discovered a relatively simple way to crack system security on the Xerox CP-V timesharing system. Through a simple programming strategy, it was possible for a user program to trick the system into running a portion of the program in `master mode’ (supervisor state), in which memory protection does not apply. The program could then poke a large value into its `privilege level’ byte (normally write-protected) and could then proceed to bypass all levels of security within the file-management system, patch the system monitor, and do numerous other interesting things. In short, the barn door was wide open.
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386: No, 486: Oops, Pentium: The only chip to consider if you’re thinking of buying a PC. Until Intel ramps up the 686.
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Due to the recent merger of AOL and Time Warner, AOL members can soon expect the following changes:
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Computer Song To be sung with the theme from the Beverly Hillbillys:
Come and listen to a story ’bout a man named Ted, A poor college kid, barely kept his family fed. But then one day he was talking to a recruiter who said, “they’ll pay big bucks if ya work on a computer”..
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A long, long, time ago
I can still remember when I dialed up their help desk lines.
And I knew if I had the chance
They could make my modem dance
with chats and GIFs and silly pick-up lines.
But Help Desk phone calls made me shiver
with every busy they’d deliver.
Bad news on the front page
A 19-hour outrage.
I can’t remember if I cried
When I realized that Steve Case had lied.
But something touched me deep inside
The day the service died.
So bye bye to Amer’ca Online
Drove my modem to a domain and it’s working just fine.
And good old geeks are cheering users offline
Saying this’ll be the day that they die.
This’ll be the day that they die.
Did you write the book of TOS
Will you send your password to PWD-BOSS
If an IM tells you so.
And will you believe the Motley Fool
When he tells you that the service rules
And can you teach me how to Web real slow?
Well I know you sold the service short
Cause I saw your quarterly report.
Steve Case sold off his stock
It fell just like a rock.
It was a crazy, costly high-tech play
As they slashed away at what subscribers pay
And half their users went away
the day the service died.
So bye bye…
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* Tech Support calls “You” for help.
* Someone at work tells you a joke and you say LOL.
* You watch TV with the closed captioning turned on.
* You have called out someone’s screen name while making love to your significant other.
* You keep begging your friends to get an account “so we can hang out.”
* Three words: Carpal tunnel syndrome.
* You want to meet a girl/guy and your first impulse is to turn on your computer.
* you’ve ever gotten onto an airplane just to meet some folks face to face.
* you have to get a second phone line just so you can call Domino’s.
* You have ever joined “Si habla Espanol” (Spanish chat room) “just to work on my Spanish.”
* you’ve ever typed “drinking on AOL is better than drinking alone.”
* you go into labor and you stop to type a special e-mail message letting everyone know you’re going to be away.
* you have a vanity car tag with your screen name on it (oops thats me twice!).
* you no longer type with proper punctuation, capitalization, or complete sentences.
* you have met over 100 AOLers.
* you begin to say heh heh heh instead of laughing.
* when someone says “What did you say?” you reply “Scroll up!”
* you find yourself sneaking away to the computer in the middle of the night when your spouse is asleep.
* you turn down the lights and close the blinds so people won’t know you are online again.
* you know more about your AOL friends’ daily routines than you do your own spouse’s.
* you find yourself lying to others about your time on-line and when they complain that your phone was busy you claim it was off the hook
* you have an identity crisis if someone else is using an s/n close to your own
* you would rather tell people your bloodshot eyes are from partying too much instead of the truth (all night online).
* you change s/n’s so much that you have to get your profile to see who you are (identity crisis here).
* you’re broke, your modem burns out and you go out onto the streets to sell your body to get a new one.
* you open your home to 15 strangers for a week merely because they have computers and cool s/n’s.
* your kids are standing at your side saying “mommy, please come cook dinner” and you would rather type another “LOL”
* you marry your cyberboyfriend/cybergirlfriend and you both sit at your own computers and chat to each other every night from across the room.
* you type messages to people while you are on the phone with them at the same time.
* you won’t work at a job that doesn’t have a modem involved.
* your dog leaves you.
* you have to ask what year it is.
* you are doing things more and more that you swore you would never, ever do when you first found chat.
* you write a letter like this…”dear tom, hiyas! how r u doin well i gotta go bbl!”
* you name your pets after people with whom you talk online.
* you smile sideways. 
* you sign on and immediately get 10 messages from people who have you on their buddy lists (::cringe::).
* you have a map on the wall with red thumbtacks to mark where people you have met are.
* you look at an annoying person off-line and wish you had your ignore button handy.
* you bring a bag lunch and a cooler to the computer.
* your significant other kisses your neck while you are chatting and you think “uh oh, cybersex pervo.”
* you have withdrawal symptoms if you are away from the puter for more than a few hours.
* you use AOL lingo in everyday life (if you still have one… hehehe).
* you take a speed reading course to keep up with the scrolling.
* your buddy list has over 100 people on it.
* you wake up in the morning and the first thing you do is get online before you have your first cup of coffee.
* you have to inject No-Doz into your butt to keep it awake.
* you have your computer set up so that it goes directly into AOL’s welcome screen.
* you wait 6 hours online for a certain “special” person to come home from work.
* you don’t know where the time has gone.
* you end sentences with three (or more) periods while writing letters in pen/pencil.
* your relationship online has gone farther than any real one you have had.
* you get up at 2 am to go the bathroom but go turn on your computer instead.
* you spell things out loud instead of actually saying the word.
* you don’t even notice anymore when someone has a typo.
* when you enter a room and 23 people greet you with {{{Hugs}}} or ***Kisses***
* you stop typing whole words and use things like ppl, dunno and lemme
* your voicemail/answering machine message is “BRB, leave your s/n and I will TTYL.”
* you type faster than you think.
* you got your psychiatrist addicted to AOL, too, and are now undergoing therapy in private rooms instead of at his office.
* you want to be buried with your computer when it dies…or vice versa
* you actually enjoy the fact that you are addicted.
* you can actually read and follow all the names of the cast that scrolls up your tv screen at the end of a movie.
* people say, if it weren’t for your super reflexes in your eyes and fingers, you would have long been classified as a vegetable.
* you dream in text.
* being called a newbie is a *MAJOR* insult.
* there is absolutely no interesting chat any room and you are really bored….yet you don’t want to leave in case you miss something.
* you double click your tv remote.
* you can now type at more than 70 wpm.
* you think about starting a 12-step recovery group for AOL junkies.
* you are on the phone for a minute and need to do something else you say “BRB” or “BBL”
* you check your e-mail and forget you have real mail aka snail mail
* you go into withdrawals during dinner
* you spend at least 30 minutes making sure you say goodbye to everyone in a room
* you stop speaking in full sentences
* you have gone into an unstaffed tech support room and ended up “giving” tech support to other AOLers
* you have to be pried from your computer with the Jaws-of-Life
* your last sexual experience was really just a “textual” experience
* you set your kitchen on fire while cooking dinner because you wanted to “check your mail” and while you were there you “just wanted to see who’s on”
* you meet people from AOL in public and have no idea what their real name is, so you call them by their s/n.
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Bill Gates wanted to look good and impress everyone with his success. He decided to measure the accomplishments of Microsoft against General Motors.
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The following is a conversation overheard as Bill Gates was moving into his new house…
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Every program has at least one bug and can be shortened by at least one instruction — from which, by induction, one can deduce that every program can be reduced to one instruction which doesn’t work.
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A man walks into a Silicon Valley pet store looking for a monkey. The storeowner points towards three identical looking monkeys in politically correct, animal-friendly natural mini-habitats.
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Assembler programs are written with short abbreviations called MNEMONICS, in other words instead of writing GOTO, the programmer writes JMP or even BRA (branch). These instructions are frequently abbreviated into total incomprehensibility.
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Cust: what is the command that will tell me the revision code of a program ?
UNIX: yes, that’s correct.
Cust: no, what is it ?
UNIX: yes.
Cust: so, which is the one ?
UNIX: no.’which’ is used to find the program.
Cust: stop this. who are you ?
UNIX: use ‘who am i’ not ‘who r yoo’.you can also ‘finger yoo’ to get information about ‘yoo’.
Cust: all i want to know is what finds the revision code ?
UNIX: use ‘what’.
Cust: that’s what i am trying to find out. isn’t that true ?
UNIX: no. ‘true’ gives you 0.
Cust: which one ?
UNIX: ‘true’ gives you 0. ‘which programname’
Cust: let’s get back to my problem. what program? how do i find it?
UNIX: type ‘find/-name it’ to find ‘it’.type ‘what program’ to get the revision code.
Cust: i want to find the revision code.
UNIX: you can’t ‘find revisioncode’, you must use ‘what program’.
Cust: which command will do what i need?
UNIX: no. ‘which command’ will find ‘command’.
Cust: i think i understand. let me write that.
UNIX: you can ‘write that’ only if ‘that’ is a user on your system.
Cust: write what?
UNIX: no. ‘write that’.'what program’.
Cust: cut that out!
UNIX: yes. those are valid files for ‘cut’.don’t forget the options.
Cust: do you always do this ?
UNIX: ‘du’ will give you disk usage.
Cust: HELP!
UNIX: ‘help’ is only used for Source Code Control System(SCCS).
Cust: you make me angry.
UNIX: no, I don’t ‘make me’ angry but i did ‘make programname’ when i was upset once.
Cust: i don’t want to make trouble, so no more.
UNIX: no ‘more’? ‘which’ will help you find ‘more’. every system has ‘more’.
Cust: nice help! I’m confused more now.
UNIX: understand that since ‘help’ is such a small program, it is better not to ‘nice help’. and ‘more now’ is not allowed but ‘at now’ is. Unless of course ‘now’ is a file name.
Cust: this is almost as confusing as my PC.
UNIX: i didn’t know you needed help with ‘pc’.let me get you to the Pascal compiler team.
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It’s really not too difficult fixing your own hard drive, if the problem is a head crash, or the infamous Seagate “stiction” problem, if you know what to do. You will require #4/0 steel wool, paint thinners, WD-40, a few hand tools, and about 45 minutes.
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Are you interested in making $$$$ fast?
Here’s an incredibly simple way to do it and there is nothing to buy, no investment to make, no money to lose!
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If a Packet Hits a pocket on a socket on a port
and the bus is interrupted as a very last resort
and the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort
then the socket packet pocket has an error to report.
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Once upon a time, in an absolute monarchy not far from here, a king summoned two of his advisors for a test. He showed them both a shiny metal box with two slots in the top, a control knob, and a lever. “What do you think this is?”
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Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked the young programmer, “And what starting salary were you looking for?”
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