* If you can’t get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights.
* A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.
* Don’t be irreplaceable, if you can’t be replaced, you can’t be promoted.
* It doesn’t matter what you do, it only matters what you say you’ve done
and what you’re going to do. Read More…

To acquire a creative development position within the entertainment industry that would utilize my vast (2 years) technical experience.

To find a gig.
Read More…

If there is ever the possibility of several things to go wrong, the one that will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong.

If something breaks, and it stops you from doing something, it will be fixed when you no longer need it; are in the middle of something else; or don’t want it to be fixed because now you don’t want to do what you were supposed to do.
Read More…

DRESS CODE

It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing $350 Prada sneakers and carrying a $600 Gucci Bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress somewhere in-between, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.
Read More…

The graduate with a Science degree asks, “Why does it work?”
The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, “How does it work?”
The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, “How much will it cost?”
The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, “Do you want fries with that?”

1. On your mark’s computer, go to the Desktop and make a new folder.
2. Rename the new folder to e.g. Porn
3. Make a screenshot
4. Delete the folder that youd just created
5. Install the screenshot image as a Desktop wallpaper
6. Enjoy!

The local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so Gomer went in to try out for the job.
“Okay,” the sheriff drawled, “Gomer, what is 1 and 1?”
“11″ he replied.
The sheriff thought to himself, Read More…

Entry level position:
You’ll be making minimum wage.
Entry level position in an up-and-coming company:
You’ll be making minimum wage; we’ll be bankrupt in a year.
Profit sharing plan:
Once it’s shared between the higher-ups, there won’t be a profit.
Read More…

I know how to deal with stressful situations:
I’m usually on Prozac. When I’m not, I take lots of cigarette and coffee breaks.
I seek a job that will draw upon my strong communication & organizational skills:
I talk too much and like to tell other people what to do.
I’m extremely adept at all manner of office organization:
I’ve used Microsoft Office.
Read More…

NAME: Greg Bulmash

SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.

Read More…

5. “They told me at the Blood Bank this might happen.”

4. “This is just a 15 minute power nap they raved about in the time management course you sent me to.”

Read More…

An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, “If you kiss me, I’ll turn into a beautiful princess”.

Read More…

My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned, I couldn’t concentrate.

Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn’t hack it, so they gave me the axe.

After that I tried to be a tailor, but Read More…

When design engineers get together they often talk about football.

When Middle management meet, they talk about tennis.

Read More…

Boss: Johnson, we giving you a promotion but you have to move to Montreal.

Read More…

In prison you spend the majority of your time in an 8×10 cell. At work you spend most of your time in a 6×8 cubicle.

Read More…

The Doctor because he says, “Take off your clothes.”

The Dentist because he says, “Open wide.”

Read More…

All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was in charge.

Read More…

TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.

INSTEAD OF: When the fuck do you expect me to do this?

Read More…

A chemist, a biologist, and an electrical engineer were on death row waiting for the electric chair. The chemist was brought forward first.

Read More…

Did you hear about the woman who was married to a succession of three Microsoft employees and still died a virgin?

Read More…