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A blind man was describing his favorite sport, parachuting. When asked how this was accomplished, he said that things were all done for him: “I am placed in the door with my seeing eye dog and told when to jump. My hand is placed on my release ring for me and out I go with the dog.”
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A teacher asks her students if they’re Yankees fans. All of the hands go up except for one student.
“Okay, Bobby. What team are you a fan of?”
“The Red Sox.”
“Why’s that?”
“Well, my parents are both Red Sox fans, so I’m a Red Sox fan too.”
“That’s not a good answer, Bobby. If your parents were both morons, would you be a moron too?”
“No, that would make me a Yankees fan!”
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* I have to try out this new hat.
* I haven’t played the course in ten years since I moved away.
* I heard a new sand trap was added to #4.
* I heard golf is much easier when you’re sober, so I have to try it.
* I heard the course is flat - I always play well on flat courses.
* I heard they cut the greens again. I have to try them out.
* I heard they got rid of the port-o-potty at the turn.
* I have to crown the new bathroom. Read More…
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Two Scots, Rabby and Angus are playing golf and come upon a water hole.
Rabby tees up and hits it into the middle of the pond.
He reaches into his bag to find that he is out of balls. He then asks Angus for
a ball and proceeds to hit it into the pond as well. This goes on for 3 or 4 more times and when he asks Angus for yet another ball, Angus says.”Rabby, these Read More…
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Four married guys go golfing.While playing the 4th hole, the following conversation took place:
1st Guy: “You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out golfing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend.”
2nd Guy: “That’s nothing, I had to promise my wife I will build a new deck for the pool.”
3rd Guy: “Man, you both have it easy! I had to Read More…
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As a young man, Norton was an exceptional golfer. At the age of 26, however, he decided to become a priest, and joined a rather peculiar order. He took the usual vows of poverty,chastity, but his order also required that he quit golf and never play again. This was particularly difficult for Norton, but he agreed and was finally ordained a priest.
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< face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif" size="2"> < face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif" size="2">< face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif" size="2">LAW 1: No matter how bad your last shot was, the worst is yet to come. This law does not expire on the 18th hole, since it has the supernatural tendency to extend over the course of a tournament, a summer and, eventually, a lifetime.
< face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif" size="2"> < face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif" size="2">< face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif" size="2">LAW 2: Your best round of golf will be followed almost immediately by your worst round ever. The probability of the latter increases with the number of people you tell about the former.
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One of the regular foursome was sick, so a new member named George filled in. He was very good and pleasant company so they asked him to join them again the following Sunday. “9.30 okay?”
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An old man and his wife have gone to bed.
After laying there a few minutes the old man farts and says,”Seven Points.”
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Two guys are out hunting deer…
The first guy says, “Did you see that?…pointing to the sky.”
“No,” the second guy says.
“Well, a bald eagle just flew overhead!” the first guy says.
“Oh,” says the second guy.
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Two Golfers were approaching the first tee.
The first guy goes into his golf bag to get a ball and says to his friend - “Hey, why don’t you try this ball.” He draws a green golf ball out of his bag.
“Use this one - You can’t lose it!”
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A woman is learning how to golf. She has been teaching herself to play for more than three months and she is really bad. She decides to consult a golf pro.
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Frank was excited about his new rifle. So, he went bear hunting. He spotted a small brown bear and shot it. There was then a tap on his shoulder, and he turned around to see a big black bear.
The black bear said: “You’ve got two choices.
I either maul you to death or we have rough sex.”
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I was playing golf with my doctor friend one day.
He ALWAYS hit his drives right down the middle of the fairway.
My problem was that I ALWAYS hooked my ball completely off the fairway.
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A man, while playing on the front nine of a complicated golf course, became confused as to where he was on the course. Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her, explained his confusion and asked her if she knew what hole he was playing. She replied, “I’m on the 7th hole, and you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole.”
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Two friends, Fred and Harry were golfing one fine day.
Toward the end of the golf course, Fred had hit his ball into the woods.
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In the Ohio State Buckeyes locker room in Columbus, there’s a sign stating - “Play like champions today!”
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On their wedding night the new couple are just about to do the deed when the wife tells her new husband that she has a confession.
“I lied when I told you I was a virgin. I have been with one other man” she tells her new hubby.
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New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season: “I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first.”
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At a celebrity party, Stevie Wonder meets golf champ Tiger Woods and mentions that he, too, is an excellent golfer.
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A golfer was addressing his ball, getting ready to shoot.
Just as he was about ready to hit, a voice came over the p.a. system -
“Will the gentleman on the lady’s tee please move back to the men’s tee”.
He looked up, looked back down and then resumed addressing the ball again.
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An optimist sees the best in the world, while a pessimist sees only the worst. An optimist finds the positive in the negative, and a pessimist can only find the negative in the positive.
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The top 10 reasons for Mike Tyson biting Evander Holyfield’s ear:
10. Got a little carried away after seeing “Face/Off”
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A guy goes to his local church during the week to see the priest and confess his sins. He goes into the confessional box and says, “Father during the week I said the F-word.”
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A new arrival in Hell was brought before the devil. The devil told his demon to put the man to work on a rock pile with a 20-pound sledge hammer in 95 degree heat with 95% humidity.
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Famous Sports Quotes.
Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model: “I want all the kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I want all the kids to copulate me.”
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A football coach walked into the locker room before a big game, looked over to his star player and said, “I’m not supposed to let you play since you failed math, but we really need you in there. So, what I have to do is ask you a math question, and if you get it right, you can play.”
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Two hunters went moose hunting every winter without success. Finally they came up with a foolproof plan. They got a very authentic cow moose costume and learned the mating call of a cow moose.
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Q: What do you call 47 people sitting around a TV watching the Playoffs?
A: The Dallas Cowboys
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A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead by a couple of strokes. The golfer says to himself, “I’d give anything to sink this next putt.”
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Two boys are playing football in Central Park when one is attacked by a rabid Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy rips off a board of the nearby fence, wedges it down the dogs collar and twists, breaking the dogs neck.
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A couple went on vacation to a fishing resort up north. The husband liked to fish at the crack of dawn; the wife preferred to read. One morning the husband returned after several hours of fishing and decided to take a short nap. The wife decided to take the boat out. She was not familiar with the lake so she rowed out, anchored the boat, and started reading her book.
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In primitive society, when native tribes beat the ground with clubs and yelled, it was called witchcraft; today, in civilized society, it is called golf.
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There was a businesswoman who just made a million dollars for an Arabian Oil Sheik. When she was leaving the Oil Sheik offered her Diamonds and rubies and a Silver-plated Rolls Royce, but she declined.
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One day, Jim and Bob are out golfing. Jim slices his ball deep into a wooded ravine. He grabs his 8-iron and proceeds down the embankment into the ravine in search of his ball.
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A woman goes into a sporting goods store to buy a rifle. “It`s for my husband,” she tells the clerk.
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