(+37 rating, 59 votes)
Loading ...Copyright 1998 W. Bruce Cameron
Please do not remove the copyright from this essay
When I was in high school I used to be terrified of my girlfriend’s father, who I believe suspected me of wanting to place my hands on his daughter’s chest. He would open the door and immediately affect a good-naturedly murderous expression, holding out a handshake that, when gripped, felt like it could squeeze carbon into diamonds.
Now, years later, it is my turn to be the dad. Remembering how unfairly persecuted I felt when I would pick up my dates, I do my best to make my daughter’s suitors feel even worse. My motto: wilt them in the living room and they’ll stay wilted all night.
“So,” I’ll call out jovially. “I see you have your nose pierced. Is that because you’re stupid, or did you merely want to APPEAR stupid?”
As a dad, I have some basic rules, which I have carved into two stone tablets that I have on display in my living room.
Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you’d better be delivering a package, because you’re sure not picking anything up.
Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter’s body, I will remove them.
Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don’t take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, In order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.
Rule Four:
I’m sure you’ve been told that in today’s world, sex without utilizing a “barrier method” of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate: when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.
Rule Five:
In order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is “early”
Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.
Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don’t you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?
Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter:
- Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool.
- Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight.
- Places where there is darkness.
- Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness.
- Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka zipped up to her throat.
- Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which feature chainsaws are okay.
- Hockey games are okay.
- Old folks homes are better.
Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth so help you God. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.
Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy outside of Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car-there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.
April 30th, 2008 at 12:43 pm #Atro
Jeez, I guess your daughter will turn out to be a lesbian. How happy will you feel about that?
April 30th, 2008 at 1:31 pm #AC
Or she’ll snap from the utter lack of trust to make her own decisions and just never tell you even if she has orgies at the back of a car park.
April 30th, 2008 at 2:19 pm #Kak
Yeah, seriously, I tell myself I’m going to most likely be an overprotective father, but NOTHING this bad! Reminds me of my fiancee’s father/makes me glad she lived with her uncle. XD
April 30th, 2008 at 2:48 pm #cj
I would feel very happy about his daughter being THE lesbian that helped my girlfriend and I explore the finer points of a multiple person sexual encounter.
April 30th, 2008 at 3:40 pm #jackass
bet you have a small penis
April 30th, 2008 at 4:28 pm #Guest
Atro, it’s a joke. (and people can’t choose to be gay, they start out that way)
I like it.
April 30th, 2008 at 6:26 pm #Jeepers
Atro is a lesbian!
April 30th, 2008 at 6:56 pm #Wendy
Oh please these archaic supposedly humorous little essays about big bad dad proclaiming his ownership over his daughter and scaring potential boyfriends to bits are tedious and sexist.
April 30th, 2008 at 8:32 pm #Jasper
what the fuck
April 30th, 2008 at 10:16 pm #TeaAddict
I belive the Author of this post was being Sarcastic.
It’s about how silly both boyfriends and Fathers of teenage daughters really are.
May 1st, 2008 at 12:33 am #Ben
Hilarious! Great wit.
May 1st, 2008 at 5:00 am #relationship defender
Well… every father would have laid down those rules, still I don’t think anyone abides.
And the guy telling these points probably never dated in his days
May 1st, 2008 at 5:47 am #Ender
Hahahah what A list xD, Lol to Astros comment.
May 1st, 2008 at 6:14 am #Trvst Me...
I know… Someone had actually given this to me to read one night on a highschool date. How foolish I was to believe that he came up with it himself. I was so completely shocked at it that the first opportunity that came along, I nailed his daughter and then dumped her because I did not want trouble. She ran away from home and then got knocked up by some guy shortly after. She decided to keep it in the end and he looks kinda like… wait… Nah, couldn’t be…
~A~
May 1st, 2008 at 7:38 am #Claudio
wow yeah, that’s pretty tough.
While I do agree on some rational points, I think you might cool it off a bit.
P.s. : I hope all of this was sarcasm and some kind of over the top humor that some people like. If not…take a deep breath because your daughter WILL have, at some point, a sexual relationship…
May 1st, 2008 at 8:10 am #Dan
Stealing material is wrong. Stealing material without attribution is VERY wrong. The original author has been notified…I’d take it down, soon.
May 1st, 2008 at 8:14 am #Dan
Oh and if he doesn’t take it down…the author’s name is W. Bruce Cameron
http://www.wbrucecameron.com/columns/8rules.htm
May 1st, 2008 at 10:07 am #becky
if i had a dad in my”teenage” years, i’d want him to be like you. high five, good job, your awesome.
:D
May 1st, 2008 at 12:49 pm #Victor
@Dan, we received the article from a visitor of the website. The article is copied from the source you’ve mentioned and it seems that the guy that sent it to us added 2 more rules (the last 2) and removed the first paragraph.
I hope the current shape of the article is ok.
May 1st, 2008 at 1:15 pm #mugwump
Grouchy posters above - meet irony. Irony meet grouchy posters.
You clearly have never encounter each other before…
May 1st, 2008 at 2:17 pm #W. Bruce Cameron
Hello: I actually didn’t write the last two rules, they were added by someone else. I very much appreciate Dan watching my back, and am fine with the essay being posted with my copyright.
This went on to become a book and then the TV show 8 Simple Rules starring the late John Ritter. In April, 2008, I published 8 Simple Rules for Marrying my Daughter, which will be a movie next year produced by Wendy Finerman. Thank you very much for supporting my work!
–Bruce
May 2nd, 2008 at 6:45 am #Sal
Wow. You people are idiots. This post has been circulating for years. I can’t believe someone would actually write to the supposed author and say “your daughter is going to turn out to be a lesbian.” I have a favour to ask. Please remove yourselves from the gene pool. You don’t have to die, just get sterilized. Thanks.
May 2nd, 2008 at 6:54 am #Nevi
Geez dude…
Dont you think you´re a bit oldfashion?..lol!
Its peeps like you,that make the world a different place to be in..lol!
Try to have a nice day,and no I have no interest in your poor daughter.;)
May 2nd, 2008 at 6:43 pm #diana
I liked the kind of father that you are. I believe any man with a daughter should care as much…We lived that way too as I have 4 daughters none of which are lesbians and only the tuff guy stuck around. None else mattered. I might add an addition that worked for us as well…When the guys come to pick up your daughter..just have them sign a 6mm bullet in case you need to go looking for him. We have several signed bullets so far we haven’t needed to go looking for him
Now that my girls are married we just hang onto them in case. Thanks for the story it was great!! And to the author of this..thanks for your inspiring words.
May 3rd, 2008 at 3:05 pm #curious
oh, God, this is HILARIOUS!:D I’m a daughter of a great father and I kind of see him as the Big Bad Dad;) And it makes me laugh;)
P.S. To all the people who took this post seriously: get a grip! it’s a JOKE!
May 4th, 2008 at 4:33 pm #Val
I liked it.
It was entertaining and cute!
And it shows that you love your daughter!
I loved it!
May 4th, 2008 at 11:57 pm #Matt
wow. i didn’t know they allowed internet usage in the cookoo’s nest. i’m sure you’re old enough to know the reference from the movie that i’m mentioning, since you speak of this agent orange.
May 5th, 2008 at 2:28 pm #Michael
I’d be more than happy to tell you that I would be bringing your daughter home “early.”
EARLY in the morning.
May 6th, 2008 at 2:10 am #kimberly
if i was your daughter i would never tell you anything
i would hate you
and this would diminish our entire bond
i hope this is a huge joke like everyones saying.
May 6th, 2008 at 6:09 pm #KW
My dad was just as tough. My 2 sisters are beautiful, yet they were both virgins when they married. They are thankful to the old SOB still to this day.
I have a daughter now, and the same rules apply as the old man’s.
Some old values still need to stick around — because they protect our girls. Regardless of how free everything has become today, we still need to protect our kids.
I have a special baseball bat in the closet the old man passed down, and it will be put to use if need be. Thanks dad, you old bastard.
May 6th, 2008 at 8:45 pm #Samantha
Yes, its a joke, and a funny one. My father gave me a safe word to saw if I needed the cops or a ride, discretely. Something vague like “The Peaches are ripe.” or “I miss mom’s Chili.”
May 7th, 2008 at 12:54 am #CM Effer
Now see, this seems like it was made to be humorous with no truth behind it. Funny thing is, well..
That WAS my grandpop (my grandparents raised me).
May 7th, 2008 at 10:01 am #Maox
You people are so goddamned retarded. This is hilarious stuff.
May 8th, 2008 at 11:00 am #TV Guide
This is hilarious. I will be the same way with my daughter if not worse its only fair
May 8th, 2008 at 2:15 pm #Antiques
thats pretty funny. typical sitcom humor, but well done.
May 11th, 2008 at 4:59 am #JoblessPunk
I’m always afraid of meeting the dad. Even if hes the nicest person in the world I aways have that feeling that he thinks I’m “stealing” his daughter from him.
lolol <3 the comments, better than the article!
May 11th, 2008 at 3:45 pm #Brunhilde
Hahahaha, I LOVE this!
I am the daughter of a father who will be totally like this (when I deem someone worthy enough, teehee). And yes, my chastity is very important. Mess with it and if my father has not killed you and buried you in the Everglades, it will be because I got to him first.
To those to took him seriously, OH MY GOSH, have you ever heard of satire? I mean honestly! Yes, if he’s really this anal I would be upset, but for crying out loud. This is so obviously one of those chain letter-style jokes it physically hurts me to see you whine. Pffft.
May 13th, 2008 at 5:20 pm #Bremer
The theory behind these points is sound but mostly the author just sounds like an uptight douche.
May 14th, 2008 at 8:04 pm #Laughing Hysterically
You guys huffing and puffing that this guy is a jerk or being an asshole are either stupid or got beat up by someone’s father. It is OBVIOUSLY a joke and a good one at that. Get a grip, people! Hell, if fathers were a little more strict with their daughters nowadays, we probably would have less teenage pregnancies and less skanky dressed teenage girls roaming the world. I thought this was funny.
June 17th, 2008 at 10:00 am #missgreenbean
I love this. It makes me think of my own dad.
I honestly think the more parents care about their kids, the more strict they are. I mean, my own father was horrible when it came to dating. But Thank God someone had some sense about the matter, because I sure as hell didn’t.
Thanks to Ole Bobby, I’m now dating the best guy on the planet. But not without some hassle.
I’ve dated some real losers, and Dad was always there to tell me just how much he hated them. Although I didn’t always listen, I usually ended things with the boys he didn’t like.
There is nothing harder than trying to date someone your Dad hates.
It’s like trying to convince a charging bull that you’re really not wearing red… it just doesn’t happen.