REASONS FOR LEAVING THE LAST JOB:
- Responsibility makes me nervous.
- They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 every morning. Couldn’t work under those conditions.
- Was met with a string of broken promises and lies, as well as cockroaches.
- I was working for my mom until she decided to move.
- The company made me a scapegoat – just like my three previous employers.
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This is an actual job application that a 75 year old senior citizen submitted to Walmart in Arkansas. They hired him!!!
NAME: Jack Buckley (Grumpy ***)
SEX: Not lately, but I am looking for the right woman (or at least one who will cooperate) Read More…
From Resumania’s Archive:
1. Job Duties: “Answer phones, file papers, respond to customer e-mails, take odors.”
2. Interests: “Gossiping.”
3. Favorite Activities: “Playing trivia games. I am a repository of worthless knowledge.”
4. Skills: “I can type without looking at thekeyboard.”
5. Employer: ” Myself; received pay raise for high sales.”
6. Objective: “I want to play a major part in watching a company advance.”
7. Experience: “Chapter president, 1887-1992.”
8. Experience: “Demonstrated ability in multi-tasting.”
9. Experience: “I’m a hard worker, etc.”
10. Languages: “Speak English and Spinach.”
11. Reason for leaving: “I thought the world was coming to an end.”
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* If you can’t get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights.
* A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.
* Don’t be irreplaceable, if you can’t be replaced, you can’t be promoted.
* It doesn’t matter what you do, it only matters what you say you’ve done
and what you’re going to do. Read More…
To acquire a creative development position within the entertainment industry that would utilize my vast (2 years) technical experience.
To find a gig.
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If there is ever the possibility of several things to go wrong, the one that will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong.
If something breaks, and it stops you from doing something, it will be fixed when you no longer need it; are in the middle of something else; or don’t want it to be fixed because now you don’t want to do what you were supposed to do.
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DRESS CODE
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing $350 Prada sneakers and carrying a $600 Gucci Bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress somewhere in-between, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.
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The graduate with a Science degree asks, “Why does it work?”
The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, “How does it work?”
The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, “How much will it cost?”
The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, “Do you want fries with that?”
The local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so Gomer went in to try out for the job.
“Okay,” the sheriff drawled, “Gomer, what is 1 and 1?”
“11″ he replied.
The sheriff thought to himself, Read More…
Entry level position:
You’ll be making minimum wage.
Entry level position in an up-and-coming company:
You’ll be making minimum wage; we’ll be bankrupt in a year.
Profit sharing plan:
Once it’s shared between the higher-ups, there won’t be a profit.
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I know how to deal with stressful situations:
I’m usually on Prozac. When I’m not, I take lots of cigarette and coffee breaks.
I seek a job that will draw upon my strong communication & organizational skills:
I talk too much and like to tell other people what to do.
I’m extremely adept at all manner of office organization:
I’ve used Microsoft Office.
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NAME: Greg Bulmash
SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.
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5. “They told me at the Blood Bank this might happen.”
4. “This is just a 15 minute power nap they raved about in the time management course you sent me to.”
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An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, “If you kiss me, I’ll turn into a beautiful princess”.
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My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned, I couldn’t concentrate.
Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn’t hack it, so they gave me the axe.
After that I tried to be a tailor, but Read More…
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