“Stewardess”
“Yes, Sir?”
“I want to complain about this airline. Every time I fly, I get the same seat, I can’t see the in-flight movie and there are no window blinds, so I can’t sleep.”
“Captain, shut up and land the plane.”

Weather: clear, visibility: good. Take-off runway was two-eight, landing runway one-six, alternate one-four.
Tower: Alitalia 194, you are cleared to taxi to runway two-eight; line up and hold. Expect take-off clearance shortly.
AZ194: Ahhh, yes, taxi to two-eight-a and hold-a
after 30 seconds … Tower: Alitalia 194, cleared for take-off
AZ194: Ahhh, two minutes, need-a preflight checks
again 30 seconds later … Tower: ALITALIA ONE-NINE-FOR, YOU ARE CLEARED FOR TAKE OFF NOW.
AZ194: Ehmmm, yes, yes, take off-a in two minutes … Read More…

Tower: Hotel Papa Oscar climb four thousand to six thousand and maintain.
Pilot: Hotel Papa Oscar, climbing flight level one-hundred.
Tower: Negative, Hotel Papa Oscar, climb to flight level six-zero and maintain.
Pilot: But four plus six equals ten, no?
Tower: You’re to climb, not to add.

Read More…

Pilot: Apron, Interflug 195, requesting start-up.
Apron: Sorry, Interflug 195, we don’t have your flight plan. What is your destination ?
Pilot: As always on Monday, we’re flying to Leipzig.
Apron: But it’s Tuesday today!
Pilot: What? Tuesday is our day off!

Pilot: Tower, there’s a runway light burning.
Tower: I’m sure there must be dozens of lights burning.
Pilot: Sorry, I mean it’s smoking.

Tower: Delta Zulu Romeo, turn right now and report your heading.
Pilot: Wilco. 341, 342, 343, 344, 345…

Tower: Lufthansa 893, you’re number one, check for workers on the taxiway. Read More…

Tower (at Stuttgart): Lufthansa 5680, reduce to 170 knots.
Pilot: This is exactly like Frankurt. It’s either 210 or 170. Never anything else; but we are soo flexible …
Tower: So are we. Reduce to 173 knots.

Tower: Phantom - formation crossing control district without clearance, state your call sign!
Pilot: I’m not silly…

Pilot: Tower, please call me a fuel truck.
Tower: Roger. You are a fuel truck. Read More…

AA (American Airlines):
1. Always Awful
2. Abort! Abort!

AI (Air India):
Allah Informed

Alitalia:
1. Always Late In Takeoff/ Transit; Always Late In Arrival
2. Air Line In Tokyo And Luggage In Amsterdam
3. Airplane Landed In Tokyo And Luggage In Atlanta
4. A Little Italian Tit And Lotsa Italitan Ass
5. A Little Italian Tradition And Lotsa Italian Attitude
Read More…

The German controllers at Frankfurt Airport were often short-tempered. They not only expected you to know your parking location but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (PanAm 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground and a British Airways 747 (radio call Speedbird 206) after landing.
Speedbird 206: “Good morning Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of the active.”
Ground: “Guten morgan, taxi to your gate.”
The British Airways 747 pulls onto the main taxiway and stops.
Ground: “Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?”
Speedbird 206: “Stand by, ground, I’m looking up the gate location now.”
Ground (with typical German impatience): “Speedbird 206, have you never flown to Frankfurt before?”
Speedbird 206 (coolly): “Yes, in 1944. But I didn’t stop.”

Passengers on a Lufthansa flight heard this announcement from the captain, “Ladies and Gentlemen, I am sorry to inform you that we have lost power to all of our engines and will shortly crash into the ocean.” The passengers were obviously very worried about this situation, but were somewhat comforted by the captain’s next announcement. “Ladies and Gentlemen, we at Lufthansa have prepared for such an emergency, and we would now like you to rearrange your seating so that all the non-swimmers are on the left side of the plane, and all the swimmers are on the right side.”
After this announcement, all the passengers rearranged their seating to comply with the captain’s request. Two minutes later, the captain made a belly landing in the ocean.
The captain once again made an announcement, “Ladies and Gentlemen we have crashed into the ocean. All of the swimmers on the right side of the plane, open your emergency exits and quickly swim away from the plane. For all of the non-swimmers on the left side of plane… “Thank You For Flying Lufthansa.”

A flight Attendant’s comment on a less than perfect landing:
“We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal.”

Another flight Attendant after a particularly bumpy flight:
“Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts fastened while the Captain taxis what’s left of our airplane to the gate!”

“As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses.” Read More…

“There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane…”

“We do feature a smoking section on this flight; if you must smoke, contact a member of the flight crew and we will escort you to the wing of the airplane.

“Smoking in the lavatories is prohibited. Any person caught smoking in the lavatories will be asked to leave the plane immediately.” Read More…

A mother and her very young son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago.
The little boy (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, “If big dogs
have baby dogs, and big cats have baby cats, why don’t big airplanes have baby airplanes?”

Read More…

Scientists at NASA built a gun specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, military jets and the space shuttle, all traveling at maximum velocity. The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields. British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new airliners. Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the British engineers.

Read More…

It was a typically busy, crowded, chaotic Friday before a holiday at the Atlanta International Airport. Travelers, friends, relatives, airport personnel, pilots, flight attendants, the handicapped and infirm being transported through the throngs of shoulder to shoulder people.

At one of the packed, ticket counters all of the ticket agents were doing their best to politely process each passenger Read More…

A couple of drinking buddies, who are airline mechanics are in a hanger at the San Francisco airport. The runway is fogged in and they have nothing to do. One of them says to the other, “Man, have you got anything to drink?” The second guy says, “Nah, but I hear you can drink jet fuel, that it will kinda give you a buzz.”

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A doctor, a lawyer, a little boy and a priest were out for a Sunday afternoon flight on a small private plane. Suddenly, the plane developed engine trouble. In spite of the best efforts of the pilot, the plane started to go down. Finally, the pilot grabbed a parachute, yelled to the passengers that they had better jump, and then he bailed out.

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An airline pilot finishes talking to the passengers after the plane has taken off, and forgets to turn off the intercom. He said to the co-pilot, “I think I’ll go take a dump and then put the make on that new blonde stewardess.”

Read More…

While cruising at 40,000 feet, the airplane shuddered and Mr. Benson looked out the window. “Good lord!” he screamed, “one of the engines just blew up!”

Read More…

Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. If you look out of the window on the port, or left, side of the aircraft you will see that the inner engine is on fire just below the fuel tanks in the wing. If you look out at the starboard, or right, wing you will observe that a widening crack has developed at the wing root, making it unlikely that the wing will remain attached to the fuselage. If you look down at the surface of the sea over which the aircraft is flying, you will notice a small orange dot. This is a life-raft. In it are your co-pilot, your flight engineer and myself.

Read More…

I watched a man rush onto our plane at the last minute before takeoff. He spotted one of the few empty seats on board and silently sat down.

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As a passenger jet was flying over Arizona on a clear day, the co-pilot was providing his passengers with a running commentary about landmarks over the PA system.

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The weary holiday traveler looked in disbelief at a bunch of mistletoe hanging above the luggage scale at the baggage check-in center… Turning to the attendant he asked, “Ok, I give up. Why is the mistletoe there above the luggage scale?” The attendant responded, “So you can kiss your luggage goodbye.”

An airline pilot hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a “Thanks for flying ABC airline.” He had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally, everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said, “Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?” “Why no, Ma’am,” said the pilot, “what is it?” The little old lady said, “Did we land or were we shot down?”

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a
comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, “Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 123, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and therefore we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax - OH MY GOD!”

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Cessna pilot: “Tower, Cessna 12345, student pilot, I am out of fuel.
Tower: “Roger Cessna 12345, reduce airspeed to best glide!
Do you have the airfield in sight?”
Cessna: “Uh…tower, I am on the south ramp; I just want to know where the fuel truck is.”

One of the airlines recently introduced a special half-fare rate for wives accompanying their husbands on business trips. Anticipating some valuable testimonials, the publicity department of the airline sent out letters to all the wives of businessmen who used the special rates, asking how they enjoyed their trip.
Responses are still pouring in from angry wives asking: “What trip?”

Taxiing down the tarmac, the jetliner abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After a hour-long wait, it finally took off. A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant: “What was the problem?”
“The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine,” explained the flight attendant,” and it took us a while to find a new pilot.”

A passenger piled his cases on the scale at an airline counter in New York and said to the ticket agent:
“I’m flying to Los Angeles. I want the square case to go to Denver and the two round ones to go to Seattle.”
“I’m sorry, sir, but we can’t do that,” said the ticket agent.
“Why not? You did it the last time!”

Air traffic controller:
“Flight 1234, for noise abatement turn right 45 degrees.”
Airline pilot: “But Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?”
Air Traffic controller: “Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 737?”

What’s the difference between God and pilots?
God doesn’t think he is a pilot.

One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airline are seated, waiting for the cockpit crew to show up so they can get under way. The pilot and co-pilot finally appear in the rear of the plane and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle. Both appear to be blind. The pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle, and the co-pilot is using a guide dog. Both have their eyes covered with huge sunglasses. At first the passengers do not react, thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. However, after a few minutes, the engines start revving and the airplane starts moving down the the runway. The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness, whispering among Read More…