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Police Jokes


#15 “Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they’re new. They’ll stretch after you wear them a while.”

#14 “If you take your hands off the car, I’ll make your birth certificate a worthless document.”

#13 “If you run, you’ll only go to jail tired.”

#12 “Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that’s the speed of the bullet that’ll be chasing you.”

#11 “You don’t know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?”

#10 “Yes sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don’t think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I’m the shift supervisor?”

#9 “Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I’m warning you not to do that again or I’ll give you another ticket.”

#8 “The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?”

#7 “Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop.”

#6 “Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven.”

#5 “In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC.”

#4 “How big were those ‘Just two beers’ you say you had?”

#3 “No sir, we don’t have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we’re allowed to write as many tickets as we can.”

#2 “I’m glad to hear that Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail.”

AND THE WINNER IS….

#1 “You didn’t think we give pretty women tickets? You’re right, we don’t. Sign here.”

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A cop pulls over a guy.
“Your eyes are awfully red. Have you been drinking?”
“Gee, officer,” the man says. “Your eyes are awfully glazed — have you been eating doughnuts?”

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Officer: Hello there, maam. Could I see your license please?
Paris: Jesus! I wish you cops would get it together! You just took away my license yesterday, and now you expect me to show it to you? WTF! Not hot!

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Officer: Miss Hilton, this is the third time youve had a traffic violation in 1 week!
Paris: Well, why did you stop me this time?
Officer: I didnt maam, the tree did. Its nice you wanted to take your dog into the park, but usually walking works better for everyone. Have you been drinking? Read More…

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