1. Take someone’s shopping cart and switch the items with stuff from the person next to them’s cart
2. Walk up to complete strangers and say, “Hi! I haven’t seen you in so long!…” etc. See if they play along to avoid embarrassment
3. Smash the person in front of you on the head with a ham
4. Go up to some old geezer & say “Grandpa!!! You’re ALIVE!!! It’s a MIRACLE!!! etc.”
5. Take something from someone else’s cart, when they say “hey, that’s mine! ” call the security and say that the other … person was trying to take your _____
6. Move “Caution: Wet Floor” signs to carpeted areas.
7. Hide in the center of the clothes circle where people find shirts, and jump out and yell “AIHAIHAIHAIHAIHAIHAIHAHAHAHAHAAAAA!!!”
8. Go into the dressing room, wait a few minutes, then yell “THERES NO TOILET PAPER IN HERE!!”
9. Get a batman costume, put it on, and run around the store screaming at the top of your lungs, “COME ROBIN! TO THE BATMOBILE!” Read More…

Q. How many Frenchmen does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A. One, because he holds the bulb and all of Europe revolves around him

Q: How do you confuse a French Soldier?
A: Give him a rifle and ask him to shoot it.

Q: What’s the motto of the US Marine Corps?
A: Semper Fi (Always Faithful)
Q: What’s the motto of the French Army?
A: Stop, drop, and run!

Q. Why don’t Master Card and Visa work well in France? A. They do not know how to say “CHARGE!”

Q: What do women who are snipers in the French military use as camouflage?
A: Their armpits.

Q: What’s the difference between a Frenchman and a bucket of crap?
A: The bucket

The recent tremors felt throughout France have been attributed to the fifty six thousand+ WWI & WWII U.S. soldiers spinning in their graves.

Q: Why do the French people seem so hell bent on kissing Jacques Chirac’s ass?
A: Because the French, in general are less sensitive to bad smells and certainly more tolerant of bitter flavors!!
Read More…

IF YOU HAVE MORE, WE’RE READY TO ADD THEM TO THE LIST.

1. Go on a search for as many good climbing trees as possible, climb as high as you both can in all of them, compile photo evidence

2. Go to a major chain bookstore, and leave notes to future readers in copies of your favorite books

3. Have her dress up as a ghost and you dress uup us Pacman. Walk around downtown holding hands, and whenever anyone sees you two, pretend to be embarrassed, and run off screaming “wocka wocka wocka.”

4. Create photo evidence suggesting that you went on an adventure that didn’t really happen

5. Dress up as superherous and stop at least one petty crime “ie. jaywalking, littering….”

6. Build forts out of furniture and blankets, and wage war with paper airplanes. Read More…

1000 Years of German Humor

The Code of Ethics for Lawyers

Italian War Heroes
Read More…

Unless you’ve been living on another planet or you have no electricity.

1. Baby break dance
2. Apple Ad – Drunk Jeff Goldblum
3. Scarlet takes a tumble

Read More…

A recent study compiled the 10 Oldest Jokes in the World, dating back to 1900 BC.

1. Something which has never occurred since time immemorial: a young woman did not fart in her husband’s lap. (1900 BC – 1600 BC Sumerian Proverb Collection 1.12-1.13)

2. How do you entertain a bored pharaoh? You sail a boatload of young women dressed only in fishing nets down the Nile and urge the pharaoh to go catch a fish. (An abridged version first found in 1600 BC on the Westcar Papryus)

3. Three ox drivers from Adab were thirsty: one owned the ox, the other owned the cow and the other owned the wagon’s load. The owner of the ox refused to get water because he feared his ox would be eaten by a lion; the owner of the cow refused because he thought his cow might wander off into the desert; the owner of the wagon refused because he feared his load would be stolen. So they all went. In their absence the ox made love to the cow which gave birth to a calf which ate the wagon’s load. Problem: Who owns the calf?! (1200 BC)

4. A woman who was blind in one eye has been married to a man for 20 years. When he found another woman he said to her, “I shall divorce you because you are said to be blind in one eye.” And she answered him: “Have you just discovered that after 20 years of marriage!?” (Egyptian circa 1100 BC)

5. Odysseus tells the Cyclops that his real name is nobody. When Odysseus instructs his men to attack the Cyclops, the Cyclops shouts: “Help, nobody is attacking me!” No one comes to help. (Homer. The Odyssey 800 BC)

6. Question: What animal walks on four feet in the morning, two at noon and three in the evening? Answer: Man. He goes on all fours as a baby, on two feet as a man and uses a cane in old age. (Appears in Oedipus Tyrannus and first performed in 429 BC)

7. Man is even more eager to copulate than a donkey – his purse is what restrains him. (Egyptian, Ptolemaic Period 304 BC – 30 BC)

8. Augustus was touring his Empire and noticed a man in the crowd who bore a striking resemblance to himself. Intrigued he asked: “Was your mother at one time in service at the Palace?” “No your Highness,” he replied, “but my father was.” (Credited to the Emporer Augustus 63 BC – 29 AD)

9. Wishing to teach his donkey not to eat, a pedant did not offer him any food. When the donkey died of hunger, he said “I’ve had a great loss. Just when he had learned not to eat, he died.” (Dated to the Philogelos 4th /5th Century AD)

10. Asked by the court barber how he wanted his hair cut, the king replied: “In silence.” (Collected in the Philogelos or “Laughter-Lover” the oldest extant jest book and compiled in the 4th/5th Century AD).

A study performed by Dave.

Women get the last word in every argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument. ~ Unknown

A woman can say more in a sigh than a man can say in a sermon. ~Arnold Haultain

Every woman is wrong until she cries, and then she is right – instantly. ~Sam Slick (Thomas Chandler Haliburton)

A highbrow is a man who has found something more interesting than women. ~Edgar Wallace

It upsets women to be, or not to be, stared at hungrily. ~Mignon McLaughlin, The Neurotic’s Notebook, 1960

I’d rather have two girls at seventeen than one at thirty-four. ~Fred Allen

All women are basically in competition with each other for a handful of eligible men. ~Mignon McLaughlin, The Second Neurotic’s Notebook, 1966

A woman wears her tears like jewelry. ~ Unknown

If a girl looks swell when she meets you, who gives a damn if she’s late? Nobody. ~J.D. Salinger, Catcher in the Rye

No woman wants to see herself too clearly. ~Mignon McLaughlin, The Second Neurotic’s Notebook, 1966

Physically, a man is a man for a much longer time than a woman is a woman. ~Honoré de Balzac, The Physiology of Marriage

The girls that are always easy on the eyes are never easy on the heart. ~Unknown

Men enjoy being thought of as hunters, but are generally too lazy to hunt. Women, on the other hand, love to hunt, but would rather nobody knew it. ~Mignon McLaughlin, The Second Neurotic’s Notebook, 1966

Men at most differ as Heaven and Earth, but women, worst and best, as Heaven and Hell. ~Alfred Lord Tennyson

Men look at themselves in mirrors. Women look for themselves. ~Elissa Melamed

There are three things men can do with women: love them, suffer for them, or turn them into literature. ~Stephen Stills

It is because of men that women dislike one another. ~Jean de La Bruyère, Characters, 1688

If you are ever in doubt as to whether to kiss a pretty girl, always give her the benefit of the doubt. ~Thomas Carlyle

A woman can look both moral and exciting… if she also looks as if it was quite a struggle. ~Edna Ferber

Women have very little idea of how much men hate them. ~Germaine Greer

Do you not know I am a woman? when I think, I must speak. ~William Shakespeare, As You Like It

Women always worry about the things that men forget; men always worry about the things women remember. ~ Unknown

Women like silent men. They think they’re listening. ~Marcel Achard, Quote, 4 November 1956

Good-looking girls break hearts, and goodhearted girls mend them. ~Mignon McLaughlin, The Second Neurotic’s Notebook, 1966

The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think. ~ Unknown

Fighting is essentially a masculine idea; a woman’s weapon is her tongue. ~Hermione Gingoldtcalf

Women are like elephants to me. I like to look at them, but I wouldn’t want to own one. ~W.C. Fields

The rarest thing in the world is a woman who is pleased with photographs of herself. ~Elizabeth Metcalf

A pessimist is a man who thinks all women are bad. An optimist is a man who hopes they are. ~Chauncey Mitchell Depew

Can you imagine a world without men? No crime and lots of happy fat women. ~Nicole Hollander

“France is the most civilized country in the world and doesn’t care who knows it.” —John Gunther

“France is a nation devoted to the false hypothesis on which it then builds marvelously logical structures.” —Gore Vidal

“How can anyone govern a nation that has 240 different kinds of cheese?” —Charles de Gaulle

“Dogs smoke in France.” —Ozzy Osbourne

“We always have been, we are, and I hope that we always shall be, detested in France.” —Duke of Wellington

“What I gained by being in France was learning to be better satisfied with my own country.” —Samuel Johnson

“Everything is on such a clear financial basis in France. It is the simplest country to live in. No one makes things complicated by becoming your friend for any obscure reason. If you want people to like you, you have only to spend a little money.” —Ernest Hemingway

“France is the only country where the money falls apart, and you can’t tear the toilet paper.” —Billy Wilder

“They aren’t much at fighting wars anymore. Despite their reputation for fashion, their women have spindly legs. Their music is sappy. But they do know how to whip up a plate of grub.” —Mike Royko

“The French probably invented the very notion of discretion. It’s not that they feel that what you don’t know won’t hurt you; they feel that what you don’t know won’t hurt them. To the French lying is simply talking.” —Fran Lebowitz

“Every Frenchman wants to enjoy one or more privileges; that’s the way he shows his passion for equality.” —Charles de Gaulle

“If the French were really intelligent, they’d speak English.” —Wilfrid Sheed

“Germans with good food.” —Fran Lebowitz

“France has neither winter nor summer nor morals. Apart from these drawbacks it is a fine country. France has usually been governed by prostitutes.” —Mark Twain

“I would rather have a German division in front of me than a French one behind me.” —General George S. Patton

“Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without your accordion.” —Norman Schwartzkopf

“We can stand here like the French, or we can do something about it.” —Marge Simpson

“As far as I’m concerned, war always means failure.” —Jacques Chirac, President of France

“As far as France is concerned, you’re right.” —Rush Limbaugh

“The only time France wants us to go to war is when the German Army is sitting in Paris sipping coffee.” —Regis Philbin

“The French are a smallish, monkey-looking bunch and not dressed any better, on average, than the citizens of Baltimore. True, you can sit outside in Paris and drink little cups of coffee, but why this is more stylish than sitting inside and drinking large glasses of whiskey I don’t know.” —P.J O’Rourke (1989)

“You know, the French remind me a little bit of an aging actress of the 1940s who was still trying to dine out on her looks but doesn’t have the face for it.” —John McCain, U.S. Senator from Arizona

“They’ve taken their own precautions against Al Qaeda. To prepare for an attack, each Frenchman is urged to keep duct tape, a white flag, and a three-day supply of mistresses in the house.” —Argus Hamilton

“The only way the French are going in is if we tell them we found truffles in Iraq.” —Dennis Miller

“I would call the French scumbags, but that, of course, would be a disservice to bags filled with scum. I say we invade Iraq, then invade Chirac.” —Dennis Miller

“You know why the French don’t want to bomb Saddam Hussein? Because he hates America, he loves mistresses and wears a beret. He IS French, people.” —Conan O’Brien

“I don’t know why people are surprised that France won’t help us get Saddam out of Iraq. After all, France wouldn’t help us get the Germans out of France!” —Jay Leno

“The last time the French asked for ‘more proof,’ it came marching into Paris under a German flag.” —David Letterman

An old saying: Raise your right hand if you like the French…. Raise both hands if you are French.

Next time there’s a war in Europe, the loser has to keep France.

She says = English
1.  We need = I want
2.  It’s your decision = The correct decision should be
obvious by now
3.  Do what you want =  You’ll pay for this later
4.  We need to talk = Read More…

1. Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
2. I.R.S.: We’ve got what it takes to take what you’ve got!
3. We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
4. Pentiums melt in your PC, not in your hand.
5. The secret of the universe is @*&^^^ NO CARRIER Read More…

Did you know Latin is the original language in of the State of Vatican?
If you ever thought about becoming the Pope, you should start learning Latin.

Here are some usefull phrases:

Non calor sed umor est qui nobis incommodat.
It’s not the heat, it’s the humidity.

Di! Ecce hora! Uxor mea me necabit!
God, look at the time! My wife will kill me!

Estne volumen in toga, an solum tibi libet me videre?
Is that a scroll in your toga, or are you just happy to see me?

Lex clavatoris designati rescindenda est.
The designated hitter rule has got to go.

Sentio aliquos togatos contra me conspirare.
I think some people in togas are plotting against me.

Caesar si viveret, ad remum dareris.
If Caesar were alive, you’d be chained to an oar.

Quantum materiae materietur marmota monax si marmota monax materiam possit materiari?
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?

(At a barbeque)
Animadvertistine, ubicumque stes, fumum recta in faciem ferri?
Ever noticed how wherever you stand, the smoke goes right into your face?

More Useful Latin

Sona si Latine loqueris.
Honk if you speak Latin.

Si Hoc Legere Scis Nimium Eruditionis Habes
If you can read this you’re over-educated

Sentio aliquos togatos contra me conspirare.
I think some people in togas are plotting against me.

Vidi Vici Veni
I saw, I conquered, I came

Vacca foeda
Stupid cow

Mihi ignosce. Cum homine de cane debeo congredi.
Excuse me. I’ve got to see a man about a dog.

Raptus regaliter
Royally screwed

Si hoc signum legere potes, operis boni in rebus Latinus alacribus et fructuosis potiri potes!
If you can read this sign, you can get a good job in the fast-paced, high-paying world of Latin!

Gramen artificiosum odi.
I hate Astroturf.

Nihil curo de ista tua stulta superstitione.
I’m not interested in your dopey religious cult.

Noli me vocare, ego te vocabo.
Don’t call me, I’ll call you.

Nullo metro compositum est.
It doesn’t rhyme.

Non curo. Si metrum non habet, non est poema.
I don’t care. If it doesn’t rhyme, it isn’t a poem.

Fac ut gaudeam.
Make my day.

Braccae illae virides cum subucula rosea et tunica Caledonia-quam elenganter concinnatur!
Those green pants go so well with that pink shirt and the plaid jacket!

Visne saltare? Viam Latam Fungosam scio.
Do you want to dance? I know the Funky Broadway.

Re vera, potas bene.
Say, you sure are drinking a lot.

Utinam barbari spatium proprium tuum invadant!
May barbarians invade your personal space!

Utinam coniurati te in foro interficiant!
May conspirators assassinate you in the mall!

Utinam logica falsa tuam philosophiam totam suffodiant!
May faulty logic undermine your entire philosophy!

Radix lecti
Couch potato

Quo signo nata es?
What’s your sign?

O! Plus! Perge! Aio! Hui! Hem!
Oh! More! Go on! Yes! Ooh! Ummm!

Mellita, domi adsum.
Honey, I’m home.

Tam exanimis quam tunica nehru fio.
I am as dead as the nehru jacket.

Ventis secundis, tene cursum.
Go with the flow.

Totum dependeat.
Let it all hang out.

Te precor dulcissime supplex!
Pretty please with a cherry on top!

Magister Mundi sum!
I am the Master of the Universe!

Fac me cocleario vomere!
Gag me with a spoon!

Te audire no possum. Musa sapientum fixa est in aure.
I can’t hear you. I have a banana in my ear.

Estne volumen in toga, an solum tibi libet me videre?
Is that a scroll in your toga, or are you just happy to see me?

Prehende uxorem meam, sis!
Take my wife, please!

Quantum materiae materietur marmota monax si marmota monax materiam possit materiari?
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?

Nihil est–in vita priore ego imperator Romanus fui.
That’s nothing–in a previous life I was a Roman Emperor.

Recedite, plebes! Gero rem imperialem!
Stand aside plebians! I am on imperial business.

Vescere bracis meis.
Eat my shorts.

Sic faciunt omnes.
Everyone is doing it.

Fac ut vivas.
Get a life.

Anulos qui animum ostendunt omnes gestemus!
Let’s all wear mood rings!

Catapultam habeo. Nisi pecuniam omnem mihi dabis, ad caput tuum saxum immane mittam.
I have a catapult. Give me all the money, or I will fling an enormous rock at your head.

Enjoy!!

How To Make Women Happy…
The Point System
(advice according to women)

In the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy. Do something she likes and you get points. Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted. You don’t get any points for doing something she expects. Sorry, that’s the way the game is played.

Simple Duties:
You make the bed (+1)
You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows (0)
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets (-1)

You leave the toilet seat up (-5)
You replace the toilet paper roll when it is empty (0)
When the toilet paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex (-1)
When the Kleenex runs out you use the next bathroom (-2)

You go out to buy her extra-light panty liners with wings (+5)
In the snow (+8)
But return with beer (-5)

You check out a suspicious noise at night (0)
You check out a suspicious noise and it is nothing (0)
You check out a suspicious noise and it is something (+5)
You pummel it with a six iron (+10)
It’s her pet (-10)

Social Engagements At a Party:
You stay by her side the entire party (0)
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college drinking buddy (-2)
Named Tiffany (-4)
Tiffany is a dancer (-6)
Tiffany has implants (-8)

Her Birthday:
You take her out to dinner (0)
You take her out to dinner and it’s not a sports bar (+1)
Okay, it is a sports bar (-2)
And it’s all-you-can-eat night (-3)
It’s a sports bar, it’s all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted in all of the colors of your favorite sports team (-10)

A Night Out With the Boys:
Go with a pal (-5)
The pal is happily married (-4)
Or frighteningly single (-7)
And he drives a Mustang (-10)
With a personalized license plate that reads GR8 N BED (-15)

A Night Out:
You take her to a movie (+2)
You take her to a movie she likes (+4)
You take her to a movie you hate (+6)
You take her to a movie you like (-2)
It’s called DeathCop 9 (-3)
Which features cyborgs that eat humans (-9)
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans (-15)

Your Physique:
You develop a noticeable potbelly (-15)
You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it (+10)
You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts (-30)
You say, “It doesn’t matter, you have one too.” (-800)

Communication: When she wants to talk about a problem:
You listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression (0)
You listen, for over 30 minutes (+5)
You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV (+100)
She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep (-20)

The Big Question: She asks, “Do I look fat?”
You hesitate in responding (-10)
You reply, “Where?” (-35)
Any other response (-20)

1. Getting kissed in the pouring rain.
And then developing pneumonia because you were too stupid to use an umbrella.

2. Have that one hot kiss where you’re pressed against the wall.
And then pressing charges for sexual assault.

3. Have a guy that thinks you’re the world.
Because men who think about anything other than you are obviously unfaithful!

4. Have a guy that holds on as long as possible when giving hugs.
Nothing beats a collapsed lung, right?

5. A guy that you don’t have to be with 24/7 to know that he loves you.
Because you had a special microchip embedded into his feeble brain to control him with.

6. When you cry, he kisses your tears away.
And then dies of dehydration because tears are saltwater and you cry an all the time!

7. A guy who tells you that your smile makes everything better.
Sure you cheated on him with an entire football team, but just smile and everything will be better.

8. A guy that will play her favorite song outside her window.
Regardless of musical incompetence and uses an accordion.

9. A guy who squeezes your hand.
And because of this you develop premature arthritis, yay!

10. A guy that says he loves you and means it.
Aside from the guys that say “I love you” and mean it as a punch line.

11. A guy who would love you forever no matter the circumstance.
Even if you were screwing his best friend and brother at the same time.

12. A guy that will kiss you on the forehead.
Even when it’s covered with puss-dripping zits.

13. A guy that will sing to you no matter how bad he is at it.
What could possibly beat getting a migraine from your a tone-deaf boyfriend as he bellows Snoop Dogg’s “Trust Me”.

14. A guy who stands up for you no matter who he is against.
Especially if you’re in trouble with the Mob. Just hope he hasn’t seen Scarface.

15. A guy that will never judge you for how you look.
Then why are you constantly asking to judge if other women are prettier than you?

16. A guy who you can hangout and have fun with.
Which means that he had better have fun by watching you get your nails done and spend all of his money on handbags and shoes.

17. A guy who will hold your hand through the roughest parts of life.
Like when you dump him for that rich doctor you’ve always dreamed about.

18. A guy that tells you everything honestly.
Because every girl wants to hear the truth when they ask their boyfriend if he thinks they’re too fat.

19. A guy that will always let you win.
Even if the girl knows she’s terrible at a game she wants a guy to blatantly lie to her and pretend he sucks even more she does just to make her sad ego feel better.

20. Wearing his jacket and every time you breath in, his scent surrounds you.
And since he just finished smoking a huge rock of crack, you get a nice contact buzz.

21. A guy who will watch any movie with you, no matter how teary eyed you may get.
You know real tear-jerkers like Debbie Does Dallas, and Backdoor Sluts 9.

22. A guy that will call you beautiful or adorable… not hot, fine, or sexy.
The reason he doesn’t call you sexy is because you’re ugly and you’re only adorable in the same way a baby covered in afterbirth is adorable.

23. A guy that is the same when he is with you as he is when with his friends.
In that case you want a guy who is drunk, flirting with every girl in the room, and peeing in your house plants.

24. A guy who will sit on the phone with you when you’re sad, even if you’re quiet.
Not like it matters as long as you’re footing the bill. Why should he use up his minutes to talk to a mime?

25. A guy who you can be yourself with and he will never care and would still tell you that you are amazing to him.
If you can find a guy with such incredibly low standards, go for him!

26. A guy who runs his fingers through your hair, like he’s washing your worries away.
But then gets tangled in it and daftly rips out a huge bloody chunk of your scalp.

27. A guy that will just randomly call you for no reason at all, just because he missed you.
Like, for instance, when he’s taking a huge dump after eating Taco Bell. That’s a good time for a call.

1. “Vacation” means goin’ through Harrison on the way to Branson.
2. Down South, to you, means Louisiana.
3. You have no problem spelling or pronouncin’ Ouachita or Possum Grape.
4. You know what Toad Suck and Booger Holler are.
5. Your idea of a really great tenderloin is when the meat is twice as big as the bun and comes with cole slaw on top.
6. You say catty-wampus and tumped over.
7. Pulaski County is considered a foreign or exotic place.
8. You consider being a “Beef Queen” an honor.
9. You faithfully drink Pepsi, Mt. Dew, or Dr. Pepper everyday of your life. Read More…

#15 “Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they’re new. They’ll stretch after you wear them a while.”

#14 “If you take your hands off the car, I’ll make your birth certificate a worthless document.”

#13 “If you run, you’ll only go to jail tired.”

#12 “Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that’s the speed of the bullet that’ll be chasing you.”

#11 “You don’t know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?”

#10 “Yes sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don’t think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I’m the shift supervisor?”

#9 “Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I’m warning you not to do that again or I’ll give you another ticket.”

#8 “The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?”

#7 “Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop.”

#6 “Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven.”

#5 “In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC.”

#4 “How big were those ‘Just two beers’ you say you had?”

#3 “No sir, we don’t have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we’re allowed to write as many tickets as we can.”

#2 “I’m glad to hear that Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail.”

AND THE WINNER IS….

#1 “You didn’t think we give pretty women tickets? You’re right, we don’t. Sign here.”

From Resumania’s Archive:

1. Job Duties: “Answer phones, file papers, respond to customer e-mails, take odors.”
2. Interests: “Gossiping.”
3. Favorite Activities: “Playing trivia games. I am a repository of worthless knowledge.”
4. Skills: “I can type without looking at thekeyboard.”
5. Employer: ” Myself; received pay raise for high sales.”
6. Objective: “I want to play a major part in watching a company advance.”
7. Experience: “Chapter president, 1887-1992.”
8. Experience: “Demonstrated ability in multi-tasting.”
9. Experience: “I’m a hard worker, etc.”
10. Languages: “Speak English and Spinach.”
11. Reason for leaving: “I thought the world was coming to an end.”
Read More…

1. Any similarity between you and a human is purely coincidental!
2. Anyone who told you to be yourself couldn’t have given you worse advice.
3. Are your parents siblings?
4. As an outsider, what do you think of the human race?
5. Better at sex than anyone; now all he needs is a partner.
6. Calling you stupid would be an insult to stupid people.
7. Did your parents ever ask you to run away from home?
8. Do you ever wonder what life would be like if you’d had enough oxygen at birth?
9. Do you want people to accept you as you are or do you want them to like you?
10. Don’t you have a terribly empty feeling – in your skull?
11. Do you still love nature, despite what it did to you?
12. Don’t you need a license to be that ugly?
13. Every girl has the right to be ugly, but you abused the privilege!
14. Go ahead, tell them everything you know. It’ll only take 10 seconds.
15. Have you considered suing your brains for non-support? Read More…

“He was happily married – but his wife wasn’t.”
- Victor Borge talking about Mozart

“Is he just doing a bad Elvis pout, or was he born that way?”
- Freddie Mercury on Billy Idol

“I knew right away that Rock Hudson was gay when he did not fall in love with me.”
- Gina Lollogrigida on Rock Hudson

“I married your mother because I wanted children, imagine my disappointment when you came along.”
- Groucho Marx

“Actually, I never liked Dylan’s kind of music before; I always thought he sounded just like Yogi Bear.”
- Mick Ronson

“Here lies my wife: here let her lie !
Now she’s at rest and so am I”
- John Dryden on his wife

“If pople don’t sit at Chaplin’s feet, he goes out and stands where they are sitting.”
- Herman J. Mankiewicz

“He emits an air of overwhelming vanity combined with some unspecific nastiness, like a black widow spider in heat. But nobody seems to notice. He could be reciting ‘Fox’s Book of Martyrs’ in Finnish and these people would be rolling out of their seats.”
- Roger Gellert on John Cleese

“A hyena that wrote poetry in tombs.”
- Friedrich Nietzsche on Dante

“The biggest no-talent I ever worked with.”
- Paul Cohen on Buddy Holly

“The stupid person’s idea of a clever person.”
- Elizabeth Bowen on Aldous Huxley

“It is only too easy to catch people’s attention by doing something worse than anyone else has dared to do it before.”
- Charivari on Claude Monet

Q: What do squirrels give for Valentine’s Day?
A: Forget-me-nuts.

Q: What did the valentine card say to the stamp?
A: Stick with me and we’ll go places!

Q: What did the stamp say to the envelope?
A: I’m stuck on you.

Q: Who sends a thousand valentines cards signed’, guess who’ ?
A: A divorce lawyer.

Q: What did the light bulb say to the switch?
A: You turn me on.

Q: Did Adam and Eve ever have a date?
A: No, but they had an apple.

Q: What did the boy octopus say to the girl octopus?
A: Can I hold your hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand? 

Q: What did one snake say to the other snake?
A: Give me a little hug and a hiss, honey.

Q: Why did the banana go out with the prune?
A: Because it couldn’t get a date.

Q: What is a ram’s favourite song on February 14th?
A: I only have eyes for ewe, dear

Q: What travels around the world but stays in one corner?
A: A stamp.

Q: What happens when you fall in love with a French chef?
A: You get buttered up.

Q: What is a vampire’s sweetheart called?
A: His ghoul-friend.

Q: If your aunt ran off to get married, what would you call her?
A: Antelope.

1. Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don’t have.
2. The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intent.
3. I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.
4. In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.
5. I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection, a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car.
6. I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.
7. I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident. Read More…