Thank you for calling the U.S. Armed Forces.

All of our units are currently busy assisting other customers in various trouble-spots around the world.
When you hear the beep, please leave the name of your country, region of the crisis, and a number where we can reach you.
As soon as we finish cleaning up the Balkans, Afghanistan, Iraq, N. Korea, Indonesia, Philippines, Malaysia, Saudi Arabia, Iran … well you get the picture, and our compulsory “Consideration of the Feelings of Others” orientation classes, we’ll be happy to return your call.

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I have a problem. I have two brothers. One brother is a boatswain in the Navy, the other was put to death in the electric chair for a gruesome multiple murder. My mother died from insanity caused by syphilis when I was three years old. My sisters are prostitutes, and my father sells narcotics to high school students. Recently I met a girl who was just released from prison. She was sentenced for smothering her illegitimate child to death. I want to marry her.
My problem is - if I marry this girl, should I tell her about my brother who is a Boatswain Mate.?

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It was early morning at an Army camp and the first sergeant was calling out names for the daily work parties listed on a piece of paper:

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1) Any company’s Articles of Incorporation, no matter how long or how meticulously they were assembled, will contain at least one loophole.

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A blonde walks into the police department looking for a job. The officer asks her some questions:

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• “Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.”
• “On the 2nd day the knee was better and on the 3rd day it disappeared completely.”
• “The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1993.”
• “Discharge status: Alive but without permission.”
• “Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.” (more…)

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An old Arabian man who lives in central USA wants to dig around the earth so he can plant tomatoes. However, he is too old to do so, so he e-mails his son, who studies in Paris.

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• Most Icelanders do not have a family name (such as Johnson, Smith, etc). So children have a given name and then father’s-name-son or father’s-name-daughter. Thus:
  1. Jon has a son named Thor Jonsson and a daughter named Hafdis Jonsdottir.
  2. Thor Jonsson has a son named Bjarni Thorsson and a daughter named Frida Thorsdottir.
  3. And so forth.
• Icelandic women don’t take the husband’s name when they marry, chiefly because the husband doesn’t have a family name to take.
• Because they don’t have surnames, Icelanders are listed in the telephone directory alphabetically by first name. (more…)

Ron Paul supporters are easy to recognize, their signature headgear, when properly applied also keeps fat from dripping on your grill and flaring up. Also his name is Barry.

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Joke 1

REPORTER (to Barack Obama): At the Academy Awards, Jon Stewart made fun of the fact that your last name, Obama, sounds like Osama, the name of the most hated man on the planet. What is your reaction?

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• Vote Ron Paul - because we can’t invade every country.
• Vote Ron Paul - because you still want America to be worth something.
• Vote Ron Paul - because America should not be owned by the Clinton and Bush Familes for 3 decades.
• Vote Ron Paul - so that you can travel without being hated in every country.
• Vote Ron Paul - because 9.2 trillion dollars is enough US government debt, thank you.
• Vote Ron Paul – Because the Food and Drug Administration has killed enough people.
• Vote Ron Paul - because you like visiting Mexico, not living in it. (more…)