1. No matter how hard you try, you can’t baptize cats.
2. When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don’t let her brush your hair.
3. If your sister hits you, don’t hit her back, they always catch the second person.
4. You can’t trust dogs to watch your food.
5. Don’t sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
6. Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
7. You can’t hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
8. Don’t wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
9. The best place to be when you are sad is Grandmom or Grandpop’s lap.

What do you find up a clean nose? Fingerprints

Q:What did the ghost eat at his birthday party?

A:I scream

Q: What’s red and goes up and down?
A: A tomato in an elevator.

Q: What did one tube of glue say to the other tube of glue?
A: We have to stick together.

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Q: What’s red and goes up and down?
A: A tomato in an elevator.

Q: What did one tube of glue say to the other tube of glue?
A: We have to stick together.

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-How do you get down from an elephant?
You don’t. You get down from a duck.

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Girl to Doctor: Doctor, Help! My brother thinks he’s a chicken! Doctor: How long has this been going on?

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How did the sand get wet? The sea weed!

Knock Knock! Who’s there? Banana! Banana who?

Knock Knock! Who’s there? Banana! Banana who?

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Q: Where does your nose go, when it gets hungry?

A: Booger King!!!

A frog walks into a bank and says “I wanna loan.”

“Well Mr.. frog, go over there to Mrs. Black’s desk, she is the loan manager, I’m sure she will be happy to talk to you,” The head desk says.

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Q: What goes TICK-TICK, WOOF-WOOF?
A: A watchdog!

Q: Why do male deer need braces?
A: Because they have “buck teeth!”

Why is it hard for a ghost to tell a lie? Because you can see right through him.

Two chickens were talking and one chicken said to a the other chicken “who is your favorite music composer?”

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Q. Why don’t witches like to ride their brooms when they’re angry?
A. They’re afraid of flying off the handle!

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Q: What gives milk and has one horn?

A: A milk truck!

Q: Why did the golfer wear 2 pairs of pants?

A: Just in case he got a hole-in-one!

How do prisoners in jail talk to each other?

With their cell phones!

Q: Why did the golfer wear 2 pairs of pants?

A: Just in case he got a hole-in-one!

Why did the chicken cross the playground?

To get to the other slide!

Q: Why didn’t the monster make the football team?
A: Because he threw like a ghoul!

What kind of bunny drinks coffee?

Mugs bunny!

Q. Why did the male sheep fall off the cliff?

A. He didn’t see the Ewe turn!

Why was the belt arrested?

Because it held up a pair of pants!

Whiy is six afraid of seven?
Because seven eight nine!

What did one casket say to the other ?

Was that you coffin?

Student: Can I use the bathroom?
Teacher: Okay but first say your ABC’s.

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Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?

He didn’t have the guts!

Q. What happens when a frog parks illegaly?

A. It gets toad!

Q: What is the difference between a teacher and a train??

A: A teacher says “spit out that gum” and a train says “choo choo choo!”

Q: What did King Tut say to the museum?
A: I want my mummy!

How much do pirates pay to get their ears pierced?

A Buccaneer!

Why did the jellybean jump off the cliff ?

Because he wanted to be a smarty!

How did Black eye peas get their name?

They were fighting over the Chick peas!

How is a dog’s tail like the center of a tree?

It’s furthest from the bark!

What do you call a guy who hangs around?

Art!

A lady went to bed and turned out all the lights. Later she awoke and heard
a crash, instantly she died of shock. What kind of house did she live in?

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Knock Knock.
Who’s there?

Stan
Stan who?

Stan back or I’ll be sick on your shoe!!!!

Doctor, Doctor. Have you got anything that will cure fleas?

Maybe, what made them sick?

Q: When driving through fog what should you use?

A: Your car!

Q: What did one cannibal say to the other cannibal while eating the clown?

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Q: How to communicate with a fish?
A: Drop him a line!

Why were the Scouts so tired on April 1?

Because they had just finished a 31 day March!

Dad: The only way to acquire a new skill is to start at the bottom.

Son: But I want to learn to swim?

What do you call an Eagle Scout with a crew cut?

A bald eagle!

Good News To All Smokers

The International Tabacco Syndicate, on its Golden Anniversary, wishes to invite Smokers of all ages to join in its biggest Anniversary Sweepstakes Draw, where every smoker is a sure winner! All smokers have the chance of winning the following major prizes.

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