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The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall. The owner asks the clerk, “What’s with that guy over there by the wall?”
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On the first day, God created the dog and said:
‘Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in
or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.’
The dog said: ‘That’s a long time to be barking. How about only ten
years and I’ll give you back the other ten?’
So God agreed. Read More…
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 “Doctor Doctor i feel like a bridge!”
“What’s come over you?”
“2 buses, 3 motorbikes and a train.”
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What does a short sighted gynecologist and a dog have in common?
They both have wet noses!
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A rich lady from California, who was a tree hugger and a vociferous anti- hunter, purchased a piece of timber land in Oregon. There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted to get a good view of her land so she started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top, she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her.
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Below are some actual quotes by doctors doing actual dictation on patients’ records (with some comments by me). Could YOUR doctor sound like these? This is really scary! If I have to go to the emergency room and hear my doctor dictating like some of these, I’m going to RUN!!!
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< size="2" face="Verdana,Arial">Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I’m a dog.
Doctor: Sit on the couch and we will talk about it.
But I’m not allowed up on the couch!
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< size="2" face="Verdana,Arial">Below are some actual quotes by doctors doing actual dictation on patients’ records (with some comments by me). Could YOUR doctor sound like these? This is really scary! If I have to go to the emergency room and hear my doctor dictating like some of these, I’m going to RUN!!!
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Mr. Jones gets a call from the hospital. They tell him his wife’s been in a terrible car accident. He rushes to the hospital, runs in to the ER and says his wife’s been in an accident.
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Below are some actual quotes by doctors doing actual dictation on patients’ records (with some comments by me). Could YOUR doctor sound like these? This is really scary! If I have to go to the emergency room and hear my doctor dictating like some of these, I’m going to RUN!!!
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A famous heart specialist doctor died and everyone was gathered at his funeral. A regular coffin was displayed in front of a huge heart.
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Feeling edgy, a man took a hot bath.
Just as he became comfortable, the doorbell rang.
The man got out of the tub, put on his slippers and robe and went to the door.
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A famous heart specialist doctor died and everyone was gathered at his funeral. A regular coffin was displayed in front of a huge heart.
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Actual writings on hospital charts by Doctors:
1. She has no rigors or shaking chills , but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
2. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
3. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.
4. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
5. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
6. Discharge status: Alive but without my permission.
7. Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year old male, mentally alert butforgetful.
8. The patient refused autopsy.
9. The patient has no previous history of suicides.
10. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
11. Patient’s medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
13. She is numb from her toes down.
14. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.
15. The skin was moist and dry.
16. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.
17. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
18. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.
19. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.
20. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
21. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
22. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
23. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
24. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stock broker instead.
25. Skin: somewhat pale but present.
26. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.
27. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.
28. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.
29. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.
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A man wakes up in a hospital bed after a terrible accident and cries - “DOC, DOC…I can’t feel my legs, I can’t feel my legs!!!
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A woman and a baby come into the doctor’s office.
She is taken into an examining room and waits for the doctor.
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After her fifth child, Lucy decided that she should have some cosmetic surgery “down below” to restore herself to her former youthful glory.
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While attending a convention, three psychiatrists take a walk.”People are always coming to us with their guilt and fears,” one says, “but we have no one to go to with our own problems.”
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A doctor tells his patient -
“I’ve got some good news and I’ve got some bad news for you”.
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While attending a convention, three psychiatrists take a walk.
“People are always coming to us with their guilt and fears,” one says, “but we have no one to go to with our own problems.”
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A man and a woman have just finished shagging when suddenly a bee flies in the bedroom window and zooms straight up the woman’s love tunnel.
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Morris the loudmouth mechanic was removing the cylinder heads from the motor of a car when he spotted the famous heart surgeon Dr. Michael DeBakey, who was standing off to the side, waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his Mercedes.
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Two young medical students were standing on a street corner observing people as they passed and discussing any abnormalities with each other that they may have seen in passers-by. They would then attempt to make the correct diagnosis.
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A doctor is going about his business, with a rectal thermometer tucked behind his ear.
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A woman was having a medical problem - her husband snoring. So she called the doctor one morning, and asked him if there was anything he could do to relieve her “suffering.”
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A guy takes his ill and aging wife in to the doctor’s office.
After a full examination, the doc tells the guy it’s one of two things.
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A dinner speaker was in such a hurry to get to his engagement that when he arrived and sat down at the head table, he suddenly realized that he had forgotten his false teeth.
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What doctors say, and what they’re really thinking:
“This should be taken care of right away.” I’d planned a trip to Hawaii next month but this is so easy and profitable that I want to fix it before it cures itself.
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Things you don’t want to hear during surgery:
1. Better save that. We’ll need it for the autopsy.
2. Someone call the janitor - we’re going to need a mop
3. “Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness”
4. Spot! Spot! Comeback with that! Bad Dog!
5. Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what’s that?
6. Hand me that… uh… that uh… thingie.
7. Oh no! I just lost my Rolex.
8. Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?
9. Damn, there go the lights again…
10. “Ya know, there’s big money in kidneys. Hell, the guy’s got two of ‘em.
11. Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!
12. Could you stop that thing from beating; it’s throwing my concentration off.
13. Anyone see where I left that scalpel?
14. I hope his family won’t miss him
15. And now we remove the subject’s brain and place it in the body of the ape.
16. Damn! Page 47 of the manual is missing!
17. Nurse, did this patient sign the organs donation card?
18. Don’t worry. I think it is sharp enough.
19. FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out!.
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After dozens of very expensive tests and weeks of hospitalization, the rich old man was told he had only 24 hours to live.
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There was this woman who was desperate to meet a companion.
She went to single bars, singles dances etc., but she could never meet anyone who would go on a date with her, much less sleep with her. So in her desperation she went to see a sex doctor, named Dr. Chang.
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A man was brought to the hospital, and taken quickly in for emergency surgery. The operation went well, and as the groggy man regained consciousness, he was reassured by a Sister of Mercy, who was waiting by his bed.
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An elderly lady goes into the doctor and tells him - “Doctor, I don’t know what the problem is, but I’ve been farting all the time. It’s not really a problem socially because they don’t make any noise and don’t smell. I just can’t stop farting all the time. In fact while I’ve been in here I must have farted at least 20 times.”
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Hello, welcome to the mental health hotline.
If you are obsessive compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
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A woman goes to the doctor complaining of bad knee pains. After the
diagnostic tests showed nothing, the doctor questions her, “There must be something you’re doing that you haven’t told me. Can you think of anything that might be doing this to your knees?”
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A woman went to her doctor for a follow-up visit after the doctor had prescribed testosterone (a male hormone) for her. She was a little worried about some of the side effects she was experiencing.
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Last year, a guy went to a doctor because he was losing weight.
He found out he had a tapeworm, and was instructed by the doctor to bring a muffin, a Twinkie and a cookie with him on his next visit.
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This chick walks into a doctors surgery and the nurse tells her to take off her clothes and that the doctor will be with her in a minute so she does.
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Obesity has been getting a lot of bad press recently. Research conducted entirely by thin people, has uncovered justification for their own masochistic obsessive-compulsive, fun-killing anal retentative lifestyles.
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There was this woman who was desperate to meet a companion.
She went to single bars, singles dances etc., but she could never meet anyone who would go on a date with her, much less sleep with her. So in her desperation she went to see a sex doctor, named Dr. Chang.
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One day, a man walked into the dentist”s office for some dental work.
The dentist said, “Sir, you have a tooth I must pull, What type of pain killer would you like?”
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A doctor is going about his business, with a rectal thermometer tucked behind his ear.
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