Canada, also known as America’s Frosted Hat, Soviet Canuckistan, Canuckland, Canadia or The Shizzle North of Hizzle, but more commonly known as “The Great White North”, is situated somewhere near the inconsequential continental U.S.A., and slightly south of the North Pole. The United Nations has managed to narrow it down further to not only north of the U.S. but also up, eh? Canada is the USA’s largest national park, and tourist attraction.
To answer the question the entire world is asking, yes, Canada has an Army, and no, Canada doesn’t know about it. Canadians are known for their peacefulness and politeness in distressing situations, such as during a war or hockey playoffs. The world looks to Canada for international peace-keepers, since they possess no weapons other than snow shovels, and their jovial accent and flannel clothing are comforting.
The unanimously agreed upon capital of Canada is Toronto, although a small number of government offices are located in the far less important city of Ottawa. Proposals made entirely and only by Torontonians have been made to move said offices to Toronto, but have yet to be approved. The city has considered separating from the country because of this. The rest of Canada, meanwhile, continues to think that Toronto “blows” and that the city’s curling team, the Leafs, “suck”.
The world sees Canada as America’s dorky half brother, (although Canada sees the USA as a retarded cousin.) Canada and the USA share a common mother, that being England, but while America’s father was apparently Jesus, Canada’s was France. While little brother Canada may not be able to throw the ball as far as its “cool” older half-brother America, Canada can at least find itself on a map (of course, Canada finds itself by locating the USA and going north, much like Mexicans find America by locating Mexico and going north).
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1. Weed
2. Vancouver: 2 million people and two bridges
3. The local hero is a pot-smoking snowboarder
4. The local wine doesn’t taste like malt vinegar
5. Your $400,000 Vancouver home is 5 hours from downtown
6. A university with a nude beach Read More…
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There were three guys, a Torontonian, an American and a Newfoundlander. They were all going to be executed. The executioner said that since all three were to be executed that night, that they would each get to choose the method by which they would die.
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THE ORIGINAL VERSION
The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he’s a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed. The grasshopper has no food or shelter so he dies out in the cold.
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You know your from Manitoba, Canada, when….
You only know three spices – salt, pepper and ketchup.
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Aussies: Dislike being mistaken for Pommies (Brits) when abroad.
Canadians: Are rather indignant about being mistaken for Americans when abroad.
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Everyone knows the story of God creating the world in 6 days, and resting on the 7th….well on the 8th day, God and the angle Gabriel were looking down on the world and God says to Gabriel “I am happy with my creating Gabriel, so happy in fact that today I will create the best land in the world and I will call this land Canada. Oh Gabriel, it will be most beautiful. I will give it tall majestic mountains, and wide open prairies…I will give it not 1, not even 2, but 3 oceans…I will cover this land in rich green forests, deep blue lakes, crystal clear rivers and beautiful wild life for them to enjoy..I will let them experience all 4 seasons and I will populate this land with all different types of people…nothing but the kindest, gentlest most caring people in the world…and they shall be known as Canadians…These Canadians will be known around the world for their friendliness, and compassion for others, and will be well respected by all..they will rise up in the face of tyranny, and help crush evil that threatens the world. They will be intellegent, and use this intellegence for the good of the world….” God keeps going on like this for awhile..and this whole time Gabriel has become quite worried so finally he says..”God, I don’t mean to question you, but don’t you think that you may be giving these Canadians a little to much?”…God looks upon Gabriel and smiles…then says “Don’t worry Gabriel….wait until you see the neighbours I am giving them!”
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A truly Canadian Apology to the USA, courtesy of Rick Mercer from This Hour Has 22 Minutes, CBC Television:
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Subject: Actual letter to the Canadian Passport office
Dear Mr. Minister,
I’m in the process of renewing my passport, and still cannot believe this.
How is it that Radio Shack has my address and telephone number and knows that I bought a t.v. cable from them back in 1997, and yet, the Federal Government is still asking me where I was born and on what date.
For Christ sakes, do you guys do this by hand?
Read More…
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An American decided to write a book about famous churches around the world.
So he bought a plane ticket and took a trip to Orlando, thinking that he would start by working his way across the USA from South to North.
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Two guys from Toronto die and wake up in hell.
The next day the devil stops in to check on them and sees them dressed in parkas, mittens and toques warming themselves around the fire. The devil asks them, “What are you doing? Isn’t it hot enough for you?”
Read More…
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