A plain computer illiterate guy rings tech support to report that his computer is faulty.

Read More…

1. Choose your victim. He/she must use Microsoft Office for this to work. He/she must use it often. Anyone in mind?

Read More…

Computer novices may feel like they’re alone these days, but some of the following calls to IBM’s help center show there are plenty of people out there who still are inching onto the information superhighway. After a caller gave a technician her PC’s serial number, he scanned a database of registered users and responded, “I see you have an Aptiva” desktop unit. Before he could say another word, the caller shrieked and said she’d be right back. When the customer returned, the technician asked if she was all right. The caller responded: “Had I realized you could see me, I never would have telephoned in my bathrobe.”

A customer who had just received a laptop computer asked about the power-saving feature known as “hibernate.” Would this hibernate device work in the spring and summer, the caller asked. Read More…

One of Microsoft Network’s finest support techs was drafted into the Army and sent to boot camp.

Read More…

The following are new Error Messages are planned for Windows 2000:

1) Smash forehead on keyboard to continue. 2) Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue. 3) Press any key to continue or any other key to quit. 4) Press any key… no, no, no, NOT THAT ONE! 5) Press Ctrl-Alt-Del now for IQ test. 6) Close your eyes and press escape three times. 7) Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner. This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game? 9) Windows message: “You have just made a type mismatch! Shall I format your brain?” 10) This is a message from God: “Rebooting the universe, please log off.” 11) Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue. 12) BREAKFAST.SYS halted… Cereal port not responding. 13) COFFEE.SYS missing… Insert cup and press any key. 14) CONGRESS.SYS corrupted… Re-boot Washington D.C? (Y/N) 15) File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N) 16) Bad or missing mouse driver. Spank the cat? (Y/N) 17) Runtime Error 6D at 417
A:32CF: Incompetent User. 18) Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N) 19) WinErr 547: LPT1 not found… Use backup… PENCIL & PAPER. 20) User Error: Replace user. 21) Windows VirusScan
1.0 - “OS/2 found: Remove it? (Y/Y)” 22) Backup not found: (A)bort (R)etry (P)anic.

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.

Read More…

Did you hear about the woman who was married to a succession of three Microsoft employees and still died a virgin?

Read More…

How things would be different if Microsoft were headquartered in Georgia:

1. Their #1 product would be Microsoft Winders

2. Instead of an hourglass icon you’d get an empty beer bottle

3. Dialog boxes would give you the choice of “Ahh-ight” or “Naw”

4. Instead of “Ta-Da!”, the opening sound would be Dueling Banjos Read More…

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated: “If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon.”

In response to Bill’s comments, General Motors issued a press release stating (by Mr Welch himself):

If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics: Read More…