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A terrible flood hit a small town, sending the rescue units out. It just so happened that a devoutly religious woman lived in this town when the flood hit, and she sat down to wait for God to save her.
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The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid term.
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Jock was returning home from the pub, smelling like a distillery.
He flopped on a bus seat next to a priest. His tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of whiskey was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. Then he asked the priest,
“Father, what causes arthritis?”
“Well my son, it’s the result of loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much whisky and a contempt for your fellow man.”
“Well I’ll be damned!” Jock muttered, returning to his paper.
The priest, feeling a little guilty, said, “I’m very sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you. How long have you had arthritis?”
“I don’t, Father. But I was just reading here that the Pope does.
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Said the Buddhist to the hot dog vendor: “Make me one with everything.”
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An American decided to write a book about famous churches around the world.
So he bought a plane ticket and took a trip to Orlando, thinking that he would start by working his way across the USA from South to North.
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Two guys from Toronto die and wake up in hell.
The next day the devil stops in to check on them and sees them dressed in parkas, mittens and toques warming themselves around the fire. The devil asks them, “What are you doing? Isn’t it hot enough for you?”
Read More…
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1 Three kids come down to the kitchen and sit around the breakfast table. The mother asks the oldest boy what hed like to eat. “Ill have some fuckin French toast,” he says. The mother is outraged at his language, hits him, and sends him upstairs. She asks the middle child what he wants. “Well, I guess that leaves more fuckin French toast for me,” he says. She is livid, smacks him, and sends him away. Finally she asks the youngest son what he wants for breakfast. “I dont know,” he says meekly, “but I definitely dont want the fuckin French toast.” Read More…
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One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the local church. “Reverend,” she said, “I have a problem, my husband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It’s very embarrassing. What should I do?”
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An Illinois man left the snowballed streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail.
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A man who went to church with his wife always fell asleep during the sermon. The wife decided to do something about this. One Sunday, she took a long hatpin with her to poke him with every time he would doze off. As the preacher got to a part in the sermon where he shouted out, “And who created all there is in six days and rested on the seventh,” she poked her husband, who came flying out of the pew and screamed, “Good God almighty!”
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A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination, and looked at the old pages as he turned them. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible, and he picked it up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that had been pressed inbetween the pages.
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The Lord spoke to Noah and said, “In six months I am going to make it rain until the whole world is covered with water and all the evil things are destroyed. But, I want to save a few good people and two of every living thing on the planet. I am ordering you to build an ark.” And, in a flash of lightning, he delivered the specifications for the ark. “OK,” Noah said, trembling with fear and fumbling with the blueprints, “I’m your man.”
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And the Lord spoke to Noah and said “In six months I’m going to make it rain until the whole earth is covered with water and all the evil people are destroyed.
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Bush has a short one. Gorbachev has a long one. Madonna does not have one. And a priest does not use his. What is it?
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An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, “Ah, you’re an engineer … you’re in the wrong place.” So, the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in.
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10. God worried that Adam would frequently become lost in the garden because he would not ask for directions.
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One day, God and Adam were walking in the Garden of Eden. God told Adam that it was time to populate the Earth.
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