A recent study compiled the 10 Oldest Jokes in the World, dating back to 1900 BC.

1. Something which has never occurred since time immemorial: a young woman did not fart in her husband’s lap. (1900 BC – 1600 BC Sumerian Proverb Collection 1.12-1.13)

2. How do you entertain a bored pharaoh? You sail a boatload of young women dressed only in fishing nets down the Nile and urge the pharaoh to go catch a fish. (An abridged version first found in 1600 BC on the Westcar Papryus)

3. Three ox drivers from Adab were thirsty: one owned the ox, the other owned the cow and the other owned the wagon’s load. The owner of the ox refused to get water because he feared his ox would be eaten by a lion; the owner of the cow refused because he thought his cow might wander off into the desert; the owner of the wagon refused because he feared his load would be stolen. So they all went. In their absence the ox made love to the cow which gave birth to a calf which ate the wagon’s load. Problem: Who owns the calf?! (1200 BC)

4. A woman who was blind in one eye has been married to a man for 20 years. When he found another woman he said to her, “I shall divorce you because you are said to be blind in one eye.” And she answered him: “Have you just discovered that after 20 years of marriage!?” (Egyptian circa 1100 BC)

5. Odysseus tells the Cyclops that his real name is nobody. When Odysseus instructs his men to attack the Cyclops, the Cyclops shouts: “Help, nobody is attacking me!” No one comes to help. (Homer. The Odyssey 800 BC)

6. Question: What animal walks on four feet in the morning, two at noon and three in the evening? Answer: Man. He goes on all fours as a baby, on two feet as a man and uses a cane in old age. (Appears in Oedipus Tyrannus and first performed in 429 BC)

7. Man is even more eager to copulate than a donkey – his purse is what restrains him. (Egyptian, Ptolemaic Period 304 BC – 30 BC)

8. Augustus was touring his Empire and noticed a man in the crowd who bore a striking resemblance to himself. Intrigued he asked: “Was your mother at one time in service at the Palace?” “No your Highness,” he replied, “but my father was.” (Credited to the Emporer Augustus 63 BC – 29 AD)

9. Wishing to teach his donkey not to eat, a pedant did not offer him any food. When the donkey died of hunger, he said “I’ve had a great loss. Just when he had learned not to eat, he died.” (Dated to the Philogelos 4th /5th Century AD)

10. Asked by the court barber how he wanted his hair cut, the king replied: “In silence.” (Collected in the Philogelos or “Laughter-Lover” the oldest extant jest book and compiled in the 4th/5th Century AD).

A study performed by Dave.

Women get the last word in every argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument. ~ Unknown

A woman can say more in a sigh than a man can say in a sermon. ~Arnold Haultain

Every woman is wrong until she cries, and then she is right – instantly. ~Sam Slick (Thomas Chandler Haliburton)

A highbrow is a man who has found something more interesting than women. ~Edgar Wallace

It upsets women to be, or not to be, stared at hungrily. ~Mignon McLaughlin, The Neurotic’s Notebook, 1960

I’d rather have two girls at seventeen than one at thirty-four. ~Fred Allen

All women are basically in competition with each other for a handful of eligible men. ~Mignon McLaughlin, The Second Neurotic’s Notebook, 1966

A woman wears her tears like jewelry. ~ Unknown

If a girl looks swell when she meets you, who gives a damn if she’s late? Nobody. ~J.D. Salinger, Catcher in the Rye

No woman wants to see herself too clearly. ~Mignon McLaughlin, The Second Neurotic’s Notebook, 1966

Physically, a man is a man for a much longer time than a woman is a woman. ~Honoré de Balzac, The Physiology of Marriage

The girls that are always easy on the eyes are never easy on the heart. ~Unknown

Men enjoy being thought of as hunters, but are generally too lazy to hunt. Women, on the other hand, love to hunt, but would rather nobody knew it. ~Mignon McLaughlin, The Second Neurotic’s Notebook, 1966

Men at most differ as Heaven and Earth, but women, worst and best, as Heaven and Hell. ~Alfred Lord Tennyson

Men look at themselves in mirrors. Women look for themselves. ~Elissa Melamed

There are three things men can do with women: love them, suffer for them, or turn them into literature. ~Stephen Stills

It is because of men that women dislike one another. ~Jean de La Bruyère, Characters, 1688

If you are ever in doubt as to whether to kiss a pretty girl, always give her the benefit of the doubt. ~Thomas Carlyle

A woman can look both moral and exciting… if she also looks as if it was quite a struggle. ~Edna Ferber

Women have very little idea of how much men hate them. ~Germaine Greer

Do you not know I am a woman? when I think, I must speak. ~William Shakespeare, As You Like It

Women always worry about the things that men forget; men always worry about the things women remember. ~ Unknown

Women like silent men. They think they’re listening. ~Marcel Achard, Quote, 4 November 1956

Good-looking girls break hearts, and goodhearted girls mend them. ~Mignon McLaughlin, The Second Neurotic’s Notebook, 1966

The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think. ~ Unknown

Fighting is essentially a masculine idea; a woman’s weapon is her tongue. ~Hermione Gingoldtcalf

Women are like elephants to me. I like to look at them, but I wouldn’t want to own one. ~W.C. Fields

The rarest thing in the world is a woman who is pleased with photographs of herself. ~Elizabeth Metcalf

A pessimist is a man who thinks all women are bad. An optimist is a man who hopes they are. ~Chauncey Mitchell Depew

Can you imagine a world without men? No crime and lots of happy fat women. ~Nicole Hollander

“France is the most civilized country in the world and doesn’t care who knows it.” —John Gunther

“France is a nation devoted to the false hypothesis on which it then builds marvelously logical structures.” —Gore Vidal

“How can anyone govern a nation that has 240 different kinds of cheese?” —Charles de Gaulle

“Dogs smoke in France.” —Ozzy Osbourne

“We always have been, we are, and I hope that we always shall be, detested in France.” —Duke of Wellington

“What I gained by being in France was learning to be better satisfied with my own country.” —Samuel Johnson

“Everything is on such a clear financial basis in France. It is the simplest country to live in. No one makes things complicated by becoming your friend for any obscure reason. If you want people to like you, you have only to spend a little money.” —Ernest Hemingway

“France is the only country where the money falls apart, and you can’t tear the toilet paper.” —Billy Wilder

“They aren’t much at fighting wars anymore. Despite their reputation for fashion, their women have spindly legs. Their music is sappy. But they do know how to whip up a plate of grub.” —Mike Royko

“The French probably invented the very notion of discretion. It’s not that they feel that what you don’t know won’t hurt you; they feel that what you don’t know won’t hurt them. To the French lying is simply talking.” —Fran Lebowitz

“Every Frenchman wants to enjoy one or more privileges; that’s the way he shows his passion for equality.” —Charles de Gaulle

“If the French were really intelligent, they’d speak English.” —Wilfrid Sheed

“Germans with good food.” —Fran Lebowitz

“France has neither winter nor summer nor morals. Apart from these drawbacks it is a fine country. France has usually been governed by prostitutes.” —Mark Twain

“I would rather have a German division in front of me than a French one behind me.” —General George S. Patton

“Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without your accordion.” —Norman Schwartzkopf

“We can stand here like the French, or we can do something about it.” —Marge Simpson

“As far as I’m concerned, war always means failure.” —Jacques Chirac, President of France

“As far as France is concerned, you’re right.” —Rush Limbaugh

“The only time France wants us to go to war is when the German Army is sitting in Paris sipping coffee.” —Regis Philbin

“The French are a smallish, monkey-looking bunch and not dressed any better, on average, than the citizens of Baltimore. True, you can sit outside in Paris and drink little cups of coffee, but why this is more stylish than sitting inside and drinking large glasses of whiskey I don’t know.” —P.J O’Rourke (1989)

“You know, the French remind me a little bit of an aging actress of the 1940s who was still trying to dine out on her looks but doesn’t have the face for it.” —John McCain, U.S. Senator from Arizona

“They’ve taken their own precautions against Al Qaeda. To prepare for an attack, each Frenchman is urged to keep duct tape, a white flag, and a three-day supply of mistresses in the house.” —Argus Hamilton

“The only way the French are going in is if we tell them we found truffles in Iraq.” —Dennis Miller

“I would call the French scumbags, but that, of course, would be a disservice to bags filled with scum. I say we invade Iraq, then invade Chirac.” —Dennis Miller

“You know why the French don’t want to bomb Saddam Hussein? Because he hates America, he loves mistresses and wears a beret. He IS French, people.” —Conan O’Brien

“I don’t know why people are surprised that France won’t help us get Saddam out of Iraq. After all, France wouldn’t help us get the Germans out of France!” —Jay Leno

“The last time the French asked for ‘more proof,’ it came marching into Paris under a German flag.” —David Letterman

An old saying: Raise your right hand if you like the French…. Raise both hands if you are French.

Next time there’s a war in Europe, the loser has to keep France.

She says = English
1.  We need = I want
2.  It’s your decision = The correct decision should be
obvious by now
3.  Do what you want =  You’ll pay for this later
4.  We need to talk = Read More…

1. Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
2. I.R.S.: We’ve got what it takes to take what you’ve got!
3. We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
4. Pentiums melt in your PC, not in your hand.
5. The secret of the universe is @*&^^^ NO CARRIER Read More…