I hate it when people interrupt you with their own solutions. Like you’re telling a story about how you avoided an accident, and before you finish they jump in and say what you should have done.

I hate it when people argue creationism. Jesus did not ride a dinosaur!

I hate it when I ask a question and people respond by asking how I don’t already know. For instance, I’ll ask “How do you play sudoku?” and the person answers “You don’t know how to play sudoku???” I still don’t know how to play, because everyone answers like that.

I hate it when people back seat drive. Like, they start panicking or slamming their foot on an imaginary break. Or they say “WATCH OUT!” and so I look at whatever the fuck got them so worked up, and it’s a car five hundred feet away. Most accidents are caused by driver distraction, which means you, back seat hazard.

I hate it when people ask me for computer help just because I know computers, but then get mad at me when I don’t do it right. I’m doing YOU the favor, bitch! Fix it yourself if you know how to do it right.

I hate it when people interrupt the flow of a webpage with ads. I don’t want to see your crappy ads.

I hate it when people don’t know the difference between irony and coincidence

I hate it when I ask for help, and someone recommends the obvious answer. For instance, I ask someone in the office “Why doesn’t the copier work?” and they say “Oh, you just need to hit the copy button,” like I’m a stupid ass. Of course I tried the copy button. You think I’d be asking for your help if that worked? What makes it even worse is when I say “I have been” and they say “Are you sure?” You low-expectation having motherfucker.

I hate it when people point me in the direction of Google as a first-resort. For instance, I’ll ask, “Do you know how to get a business loan?” and the person responds, “Try Google.” Well no shit, I already spent an hour on Google. I wouldn’t be talking to you if I could help it. Granted, that may not be the easiest question in the world, but they compound the stupidity when they come over and show me how to use Google. “See, Google’s a very nice tool,” they say. Thanks for your condescending bullshit, assface.

I hate that my dictionary didn’t recognize assface.

I hate opossums. They’re huge, ugly-ass rats with no redeemable social value. We have plenty of scavengers; go do your own thing.

I hate people who don’t comprehend sarcasm. Though I’m glad that you took it as a compliment, I was actually trying to tell you that you’re a twatknuckle.

I hate it when someone tells me what I want to do is not possible. If you don’t think it’s possible, then you’re in my way, and I will use your head as a stepping stool. I asked you for solutions, not for more problems. These people belong back in grade school where they need to relearn how to use their imagination.

Tyra Banks. Oh God I hate Tyra Banks.

I hate it when people say “They really need to write a book about my life.” Whoever “they” is needs to be shot if they publish a book about your life. Your life is boring, and reading about it will give my eyes gonorrhea.

I hate it when people spray Lysol or Febreze to make something smell better. News flash: those chemicals smell like industrial garbage. I’d rather smell the dog crap on the carpet then the nerve agent you just poisoned my lungs with.

I hate it when Bush talks. Seriously, that’s not even a Texas accent.

I hate people who use the elevator for one floor. If you’re disabled, or the floor is inaccessable, fine. But being fat doesn’t count as disabled.

I hate it when people ignore traffic signs. That yeild means you mother fucker!

I hate the fact that most girls don’t hold the door, or attempt to appear to hold the door, when I’m a few feet behind them.

I hate OBX stickers. Overseas, this style sticker identifies where the vehicle is from. Like, we have “Maryland” on our plate, they would have UK. Then it became a trend in America starting with people putting “UK” on their car, which turned in to other countries, which turned into cities, which turned into highschools, which turned into bands, which turned into me shooting myself in the face because there is no way your car is registered in DMB (Dave Matthews Band)

I hate Nebraska. Stupid corn

I hate fondue sets. Yay, Swiss communal germs and molton cheese make for butt blockage plus disease. Ain’t nothing fon about it. (ha, pun)

I hate it when people try to say Global Warming doesn’t exist. Yeah, I didn’t believe it at first either, but that was in the early 80’s. Hurry up and catch up with the rest of the world you G.E.D.-having dumb fucks.

I hate mimes, fan fiction, and tracing paper: the lowest form of each genre.

By Banm Tuack

“Twenty-Five Things It Took Me Over
50 Years To Learn” by Dave Barry

1. The badness of a movie is directly proportional to the number of helicopters in it.

2. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight-saving time.

3. People who feel the need to tell you that they have an excellent sense of humor are telling you that they have no sense of humor.

4. The most valuable function performed by the federal government is entertainment.

5. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests you think she’s pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

6. A penny saved is worthless.

7. They can hold all the peace talks they want, but there will never be peace in the Middle East. Billions of years from now, when Earth is hurtling toward the Sun and there is nothing left alive on the planet except a few microorganisms, the microorganisms living in the Middle East will be bitter enemies.

8. The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.

9. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status, or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we all believe that we are above-average drivers.

10. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age 11.

11. There is a very fine line between “hobby” and “mental illness.”

12. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

13. There apparently exists, somewhere in Los Angeles, a computer that generates concepts for television sitcoms. When TV executives need a new concept, they turn on this computer; after sorting through millions of possible plot premises, it spits out, “THREE QUIRKY BUT ATTRACTIVE YOUNG PEOPLE LIVING IN AN APARTMENT,” and the executives turn this concept into a show. The next time they need an idea, the computer spits out, “SIX QUIRKY BUT ATTRACTIVE YOUNG PEOPLE LIVING IN AN APARTMENT.” Then the next time, it spits out, “FOUR QUIRKY BUT ATTRACTIVE YOUNG PEOPLE LIVING IN AN APARTMENT.” And so on. We need to locate this computer and destroy it with hammers.

14. Nobody is normal.

15. At least once per year, some group of scientists will become very excited and announce that:
* The universe is even bigger than they thought!
* There are even more subatomic particles than they thought!
* Whatever they announced last year about global warming is wrong.

16. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be “meetings.”

17. The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people who are not in them.

18. The value of advertising is that it tells you the exact opposite of what the advertiser actually thinks. For example:
* If the advertisement says “This is not your father’s Oldsmobile,” the advertiser is desperately concerned that this Oldsmobile, like all other Oldsmobiles, appeals primarily to old farts like your father.
* If Coke and Pepsi spend billions of dollars to convince you that there are significant differences between these two products, both companies realize that Pepsi and Coke are virtually identical.
* If the advertisement strongly suggests that Nike shoes enable athletes to perform amazing feats, Nike wants you to disregard the fact that shoe brand is unrelated to athletic ability.
* If Budweiser runs an elaborate advertising campaign stressing the critical importance of a beer’s “born-on” date, Budweiser knows this factor has virtually nothing to do with how good a beer tastes.

19. If there really is a God who created the entire universe with all of its glories, and He decides to deliver a message to humanity, He will not use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.

20. You should not confuse your career with your life.

21. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.

22. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.

23. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.

24. Your friends love you anyway.

25. Nobody cares if you can’t dance well. Just get up and dance.

Subject: Actual letter to the Canadian Passport office

Dear Mr. Minister,

I’m in the process of renewing my passport, and still cannot believe this.

How is it that Radio Shack has my address and telephone number and knows that I bought a t.v. cable from them back in 1997, and yet, the Federal Government is still asking me where I was born and on what date.

For Christ sakes, do you guys do this by hand?
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