The fastest part of your commute is down your driveway.

You were born somewhere else.

You know how to eat an artichoke.

The primary bugs that you worry about are electronic.

Your car has bulletproof windows.

Left is right and right is wrong.

Your monthly house payments exceed your annual income.

Your mouse has only one ball.

You need a new TV, you can run down to the local riot and pick one up.

You dive under a desk whenever a large truck goes by.

You can’t find your other earring because your son is wearing it.

You drive to your neighborhood block party.

Your family tree contains ‘significant others’.

Your cat has it’s own psychiatrist.

You don’t exterminate your roaches, you smoke them.

You see 25 lawyers chasing an ambulance.

More than clothes come out of the closets.

When ‘the Dead’ are best live.

You go to a tanning salon before going to the beach.

Your blind date turns out to be your ex-spouse.

More money is spent on facelifts than on diapers.

Smoking in your office is not optional.

When you can’t schedule a meeting because you must ‘do lunch’.

Your children learn to walk in Birkenstocks.

Rainstorms or thunder are the lead story for the local news.

You’ll reluctantly miss yoga class to wait for the hot tub repairman.

You consult your horoscope before planning your day.

A glass has been reserved for you at your favorite winery.

When all highways into the state say: ‘no fruits’.

All highways out of the state say: ‘Go back’.

You pack shorts and a T-shirt for skiing in the snow, and a sweater and a wetsuit for the beach.