“Ways You Can Tell Your Pilot is on Drugs”

10. All the in-flight meals are missing their dessert squares

9. In between “May I” and “have your attention” there’s a 45 minute pause.

8. He’s constantly yelling, “Take that, Red Baron!”

7. Shuttle from New York to Boston includes stopover in Colombia

6. His co-pilot: Robert Downey Jr.

5. For the last hour, he’s been riding the beverage cart like a rodeo cowboy.

4. Keeps coming on the P.A. to point out clouds that look like his old high school teachers.

3. His wings are pinned to his bare chest

2. When you fly over international date line, he yells, “Dude! We’re, like, time traveling!”

1. When he exhales, the oxygen masks drop