“Doctor Doctor i feel like a bridge!”
“What’s come over you?”
“2 buses, 3 motorbikes and a train.”

“Doctor Doctor – I feel like a pack of cards!”
“I’ll deal with you later.”

“Doctor Doctor – I feel like a needle!”
“I see your point.”

“Doctor Doctor – I feel like a pair of curtains!”
“Pull yourself togerther man!”

“Doctor Doctor – I have 59 seconds to live!”
“Wait a minute will ya!

What does a short sighted gynecologist and a dog have in common?

They both have wet noses!

A rich lady from California, who was a tree hugger and a vociferous anti- hunter, purchased a piece of timber land in Oregon. There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted to get a good view of her land so she started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top, she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her.

In her haste to escape, the lady slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her private parts. In considerable pain, she hurried to the nearest country doctor. Being a hunter himself, the doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go into the examining room and he would see if he could help her.

She sat and waited for three hours before the doctor reappeared. The angry lady demanded, What took you so long? He smiled and then told her, Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a recreational area and I am sorry, because they all turned me down!!

Below are some actual quotes by doctors doing actual dictation on patients’ records (with some comments by me). Could YOUR doctor sound like these? This is really scary! If I have to go to the emergency room and hear my doctor dictating like some of these, I’m going to RUN!!!

The patient denies pregnancy. (And I certainly think he should.)

She does a lot of work around the house. It is kind of localized in the left buttock area.

He was not to lift or drive his car.

For the last 48 hours, the patient was carrying a refrigerator up the stairs. (L-O-O-ONG stairs.)

An ultrasound was ordered on admission of the left foot. (and the patient came back to visit his foot almost evey day.)

Father is currently deceased. (So he may come back???)

She is a small-appearing elderly female. (She only appears small; she’s actually 6 foot 2.)

The patient has no temperature today. (Really?? The planet Pluto has a temperature!)

The patient has a questionable cousin with colitis. (Yeah, I have a questionable cousin, too.)

She slid on some oil and her feet flew out from under her, landing on her left arm and back. (Try to picture that!)

She was a restrained driver in the back seat.

The bulldog clamp was removed from the mammary artery and allowed to run for about a minute. (Very active clamp!)

The patient is confused, but the family states that she has been intermittently confused for some time and particularly about…she has been intermittently, intermittently been increasingly confused over the last 3 months. (WHO is confused??)

Excess debris was removed. (And the necessary debris remained.)

He feels just as tired when he goes to bed as when he gets up in the morning.

She complains of no hearing loss. (Well, I don’t mind not having a hearing loss.)

(Mothers, you will love this one.) The patient takes care of four children, does not work.

He has one brother and two half-female siblings.

Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I’m a dog.
Doctor: Sit on the couch and we will talk about it.
But I’m not allowed up on the couch!

Doctor, Doctor You’ve got to help me – I just can’t stop my hands shaking!
Doc: Do you drink a lot?
Not really – I spill most of it!

Doctor, Doctor Have you got something for a bad headache?
Doc: Of course. Just take this hammer and smash yourself in the head.
Then you’ll have a bad headache.

Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I’m God!
Doc: When did this start?
Well first I created the sun, then the earth, then the…

Doctor, Doctor I keep getting pains in the eye when I drink coffee!
Doc: Have you ever tried it by taking the spoon out FIRST?

Doctor, Doctor will this ointment clear up my spots?
Doc: I never make rash promises!

Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I’m a frog!
Doc: So what’s wrong with that?
I think I’m going to croak!