Encyclopedia of Humor

This elderly Italian guy goes to his parish priest and asked if he would hear his confession. The priest assured him that he would, and the two took up the customary positions on either side of the divider.

“Well, Father,” began the old man, “At the beginning of World War II a beautiful Jewish woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans. So I hid her in my attic, and they never found her.”

“That’s a wonderful thing,” interjected the priest, “But it’s certainly nothing you need to confess!” “It’s gets worse Father,” continued the elderly fellow, “I was weak and I told her that she had to repay me for hiding her, by providing me with sexual favors.”

The priest contemplated this disclosure for a minute and then responded, “Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a very large risk. You would have suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had found you hiding her. I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil of your acts, and judge you kindly.”

“Thank you Father,” said the old man. “That’s a load off my mind! Can I ask another question?”

“Of course, my son,” said the priest.

The old man asked, “Do I have to tell her that the war is over?”

George W. Bush, in an airport lobby, noticed a man in a long flowing white robe with a long flowing white beard and flowing white hair.

The man had a staff in one hand and some stone tablets under the other arm. George W. approached the man and inquired, “Aren’t you Moses?” The man ignored George W. and stared at the ceiling.

George W. positioned himself more directly in the man’s view and asked again, “Aren’t you Moses?” The man continued to peruse the ceiling. George W. tugged at the man’s sleeve and asked once again, “Aren’t you Moses?”

The man finally responded in an irritated voice, “YES, I AM!”

George W. asked him why he was so uppity and had taken so long to answer him.

The man replied, “The last time I spoke to a Bush I ended up stuck in a desert for forty years!

A man dies and due to his evil and sinful life, goes to hell. The devil himself meets him at the gates of hell and tells him, “I don’t know what all you’ve heard up there, but hell isn’t all that bad a place. Let me ask you, do you like to smoke?”

The man answers, “Yes, I do”

“Oh, good then,” the devil says, “You’ll LOVE Mondays. Every Monday we all sit around and smoke cigarettes, cigars, pipes, try out new types of tobacco. Do you like to drink?”

The man answers, “Yeah, sure, I like to drink.”

The devil says, “Good, you’ll love Tuesdays, then. All we do on Tuesdays is sit around and drink beer, wine, and all kinds of different mixed drinks.”

“You’ll just love Tuesdays. Do you like to swear?”

“Sure,” says the man, “I swear a lot.”

“Great then. You’ll love Wednesdays.”

The devil says, “On Wednesdays, all we do is sit around and swear a lot, we try to make up new cuss words, and have a great time, you’ll just love Wednesdays.”

“Oh, by the way,” asks the devil, “Are you gay?”

“Hell no,” the man replies, “I hate fags!”

The devil look at him, and says, “Then you’re gonna hate Thursdays.”

A young lady came home and told her Mother that her boyfriend had proposed but she had turned him down because she found out he was an atheist, and didn’t believe in Heaven or Hell.

“Marry him anyway dear.” the Mother said. “Between the two of us, we’ll show him just how wrong he is.”

One Sunday a pastor asked his congregation to consider giving a little extra in the offering plate. He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns.

After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had contributed a $1,000 bill. He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation, and said he’d like to personally thank the person who had placed the money in the plate.

A very quiet, elderly, saintly widow shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the front. Slowly she made her way to the pastor. He told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much and asked her to pick out three hymns.

Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed to the three handsomest men in the building and said, “I’ll take him and him and him.”