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USSR Jokes


The USSR is the name for which Minster and its coworkers have named their region, ‘The United Settlements Surrounding the Roundabouts’. The USSR was created in the Big GangBang, where Mother Monkton, Mister Minster, and Frank, the Gods of the USSR engaged in group sex, which resulted (to their surprise) in offspring being created, which then went to inhabit Minster, Monkton, and St.Nicholas-at-wade.
Rumored to be located somewhere north of the south pole, it was the world’s first communist state and second user of the backward R (to give it a sort of “Яussian flavor”). The country is famed for its cunning linguists and master debaters, empowered by their frequent use of a very powerful linguistic tool that originated in their culture, the so called “Russian reversal”. Even the most hard-lined opponents have been thwarted by this argumentative wonder. Historians do not know how far back in history the usage of the Russian reversal can be traced, but it is believed to have been started by brilliant USSR orator and philosopher, Yakov Smirnoff, with the phrase, “In Soviet Russia, party finds you!”
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Back during the Solidarity days, I heard that the following joke was being told in Poland:

A man goes into the Bank of Gdansk to make a deposit. Since he has never kept money in a bank before, he is a little nervous.

“What happens if the Bank of Gdansk should fail?” he asks.

“Well, in that case your money would be insured by the Bank of Warsaw.”

“But, what if the Bank of Warsaw fails?”

“Well, there’d be no problem, because the Bank of Warsaw is insured by the National Bank of Poland.”

“And if the National Bank of Poland fails?”

“Then your money would be insured by the Bank of Moscow.”

“And what if the Bank of Moscow fails?”

“Then your money would be insured by the Great Bank of the Soviet Union.”

“And if that bank fails?”

“Well, in that case, you’d lose all your money. But, wouldn’t it be worth it?”

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Posted in: Poland Jokes, USSR Jokes 1 Comment.

A Brit, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden.

“Look at their reserve, their calm,” muses the Brit. “They must be British.”

“Nonsense,” the Frenchman disagrees. “They’re naked, and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French.”

“No clothes, no shelter,” the Russian points out, “they have only an apple to eat, and they’re being told this is paradise. They are Russian.”

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For more than 30 years, New York magazine has run a contest in which contestants take a well-known foreign language expression, change a single letter, and provide a definition for the new expression. Here are some favorites.

Harlez-vous franç¡©s?
CAN YOU DRIVE A FRENCH MOTOCYCLE?

Cogito Eggo Sum.
I THINK; THEREFORE I AM A WAFFLE.

Rigor morris.
THE CAT IS DEAD.

Repondez-vous s’il vous plaid.
HONK IF YOU’RE SCOTTISH.

Que sera serf.
LIFE IS FEUDAL.

Posh mortem.
DEATH STYLES OF THE RICH AND FAMOUS.

Pro Bozo publico
SUPPORT YOUR LOCAL CLOWN.

Apè³ Moe le deluge.
LARRY AND MOE GOT WET.

Haste cuisine.
FAST FRENCH FOOD.

Veni, vidi, vice.
I CAME, I SAW, I PARTIED.

Mazel ton.
TONS OF LUCK.

Aloha oy.
LOVE; GREETINGS; FAREWELL; FROM SUCH A PAIN YOU SHOULD NEVER KNOW.

Visa la France.
DON’T LEAVE YOUR CHATEAU WITHOUT IT.

L’é´¡t, c’est moo.
I’M BOSSY AROUND HERE.

Cogito, ergo spud.
I THINK, THEREFORE I YAM.
(OK, more than 1 letter.)

Veni, vidi, velcro
I CAME, I SAW, I STUCK AROUND.
(OK, another exception.)

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The Americans and Russians at the height of the arms race realized that if they continued in the usual manner they were going to blow up the whole world.

One day they sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight. They’d have five years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and whichever side’s dog won would be entitled to dominate the world. The losing side would have to lay down its arms. The Russians found the biggest meanest Doberman and Rottweiler dogs in the world and bred them with the biggest meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from each litter, killed his siblings, and gave him all the milk. The used steroids and trainers and after five years came up with the biggest meanest dog the world had ever seen. Its cage needed steel bars that were five inches thick and nobody could get near it.

“When the day came for the fight, the Americans showed up with a strange animal. It was a nine foot long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for the Americans because they knew there was no way that this dog could possibly last ten seconds with the Russian dog.

“When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out and wrapped itself around the outside of the ring. It had the Russian dog almost completely surrounded. When the Russian dog leaned over to bite the Dachshund’s neck, the Dachshund leaned up and consumed the Russian dog in one bite. There was nothing left at all of the Russian dog.

The Russians came up to the Americans shaking their heads in disbelief. `We don’t understand how this could have happened. We had our best people working for five years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler dogs in the world and the biggest meanest Siberian wolves.”

“That’s nothing”, an American replied. “We had our best plastic surgeons working for five years trying to make an alligator look like a Dachshund.’”

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In a Tokyo Hotel: Is forbitten to steal hotel towels please. If you
are not person to do such thing is please not to read notis.

In another Japanese hotel room: Please to bathe inside the tub.
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