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Paris Jokes


Q. How many Frenchmen does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A. One, because he holds the bulb and all of Europe revolves around him

Q: How do you confuse a French Soldier?
A: Give him a rifle and ask him to shoot it.

Q: What’s the motto of the US Marine Corps?
A: Semper Fi (Always Faithful)
Q: What’s the motto of the French Army?
A: Stop, drop, and run!

Q. Why don’t Master Card and Visa work well in France? A. They do not know how to say “CHARGE!”

Q: What do women who are snipers in the French military use as camouflage?
A: Their armpits.

Q: What’s the difference between a Frenchman and a bucket of crap?
A: The bucket

The recent tremors felt throughout France have been attributed to the fifty six thousand+ WWI & WWII U.S. soldiers spinning in their graves.

Q: Why do the French people seem so hell bent on kissing Jacques Chirac’s ass?
A: Because the French, in general are less sensitive to bad smells and certainly more tolerant of bitter flavors!!
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“France is the most civilized country in the world and doesn’t care who knows it.” —John Gunther

“France is a nation devoted to the false hypothesis on which it then builds marvelously logical structures.” —Gore Vidal

“How can anyone govern a nation that has 240 different kinds of cheese?” —Charles de Gaulle

“Dogs smoke in France.” —Ozzy Osbourne

“We always have been, we are, and I hope that we always shall be, detested in France.” —Duke of Wellington

“What I gained by being in France was learning to be better satisfied with my own country.” —Samuel Johnson

“Everything is on such a clear financial basis in France. It is the simplest country to live in. No one makes things complicated by becoming your friend for any obscure reason. If you want people to like you, you have only to spend a little money.” —Ernest Hemingway

“France is the only country where the money falls apart, and you can’t tear the toilet paper.” —Billy Wilder

“They aren’t much at fighting wars anymore. Despite their reputation for fashion, their women have spindly legs. Their music is sappy. But they do know how to whip up a plate of grub.” —Mike Royko

“The French probably invented the very notion of discretion. It’s not that they feel that what you don’t know won’t hurt you; they feel that what you don’t know won’t hurt them. To the French lying is simply talking.” —Fran Lebowitz

“Every Frenchman wants to enjoy one or more privileges; that’s the way he shows his passion for equality.” —Charles de Gaulle

“If the French were really intelligent, they’d speak English.” —Wilfrid Sheed

“Germans with good food.” —Fran Lebowitz

“France has neither winter nor summer nor morals. Apart from these drawbacks it is a fine country. France has usually been governed by prostitutes.” —Mark Twain

“I would rather have a German division in front of me than a French one behind me.” —General George S. Patton

“Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without your accordion.” —Norman Schwartzkopf

“We can stand here like the French, or we can do something about it.” —Marge Simpson

“As far as I’m concerned, war always means failure.” —Jacques Chirac, President of France

“As far as France is concerned, you’re right.” —Rush Limbaugh

“The only time France wants us to go to war is when the German Army is sitting in Paris sipping coffee.” —Regis Philbin

“The French are a smallish, monkey-looking bunch and not dressed any better, on average, than the citizens of Baltimore. True, you can sit outside in Paris and drink little cups of coffee, but why this is more stylish than sitting inside and drinking large glasses of whiskey I don’t know.” —P.J O’Rourke (1989)

“You know, the French remind me a little bit of an aging actress of the 1940s who was still trying to dine out on her looks but doesn’t have the face for it.” —John McCain, U.S. Senator from Arizona

“They’ve taken their own precautions against Al Qaeda. To prepare for an attack, each Frenchman is urged to keep duct tape, a white flag, and a three-day supply of mistresses in the house.” —Argus Hamilton

“The only way the French are going in is if we tell them we found truffles in Iraq.” —Dennis Miller

“I would call the French scumbags, but that, of course, would be a disservice to bags filled with scum. I say we invade Iraq, then invade Chirac.” —Dennis Miller

“You know why the French don’t want to bomb Saddam Hussein? Because he hates America, he loves mistresses and wears a beret. He IS French, people.” —Conan O’Brien

“I don’t know why people are surprised that France won’t help us get Saddam out of Iraq. After all, France wouldn’t help us get the Germans out of France!” —Jay Leno

“The last time the French asked for ‘more proof,’ it came marching into Paris under a German flag.” —David Letterman

An old saying: Raise your right hand if you like the French…. Raise both hands if you are French.

Next time there’s a war in Europe, the loser has to keep France.

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In a Tokyo Hotel: Is forbitten to steal hotel towels please. If you
are not person to do such thing is please not to read notis.

In another Japanese hotel room: Please to bathe inside the tub.
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