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Funny Letters


A letter from two concerned grandmothers.
We just spent several hours observing teenagers hanging out at our local mall. We came to the conclusion many teenagers in America today are living in poverty.

Most young men we observed didn’t even own a belt; there was not one among the whole group. But that wasn’t the sad part. Many were wearing their daddy’s jeans. Some jeans were so big and baggy that they hung low on their hips, exposing their underwear. I know one must have been ashamed his daddy was short, because his jeans hardly went below his knees. They weren’t even his daddy’s good jeans, for they had holes ripped in the knees and a dirty look to them.

It grieved us that in a modern, affluent society like America, there are those who can’t afford a decent pair of jeans. I was thinking about asking my church to start a jeans drive for “poor kids at the mall.” Then on Christmas Eve, we could go Christmas caroling and distribute jeans to these poor teenagers.

But here is the saddest part – it was the girls that disturbed us the most. Never, in all of our lives, have we seen such poverty-stricken girls. These girls had the opposite problem of the guys. They all had to wear their little sister’s clothes. Their jeans were about 5 sizes too small! I don’t know how they could get them on, let alone button them up. Their jeans barely went over their hipbones. Most also had on their little sister’s top; it didn’t even cover their midsections. Oh, they were trying to hold their heads up with pride, but it was a sad sight to see these almost grown women wearing children’s clothes. However, it was their underwear that bothered us most. They, like the boys, because of the improper fitting of their clothes, they had their underwear exposed. We had never seen anything like it. It looked like their underwear was only held together by a single piece of string.

We know it saddens your heart to receive this report on condition of our American teenagers. While we go to bed every night with a closet full of clothes nearby, there are millions of “mall girls” who barely have enough material to keep it together. We think their “poorness” is why these 2 groups gather together at the mall; boys with their short daddies’ ripped jeans, and girls wearing their younger sisters’ clothes. The mall is one place where they can find acceptance. So, the next time you are at the mall, doing your shopping and you pass by some of these poor teenagers, please say a prayer for them.

And one more thing: Please pray that the guys’ pants won’t fall down, and the girls’ strings won’t break?

Thank you all,
Two Concerned Grandmothers

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Excerpts from actual letters sent to landlords

The toilet is blocked and we cannot bathe the children until it is cleared.

I want some repairs done to my stove as it has backfires and burnt my knob off. Read More…

To my dear wife,

During the past year, I have tried to make love to you 365 times. I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of once every ten days. The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often:

54 times the sheets were clean

17 times it was too late

49 times you were too tired

20 times it was too hot

15 times you pretended to be asleep

22 times you had a headache

17 times you were afraid of waking the baby

16 times you said you were too sore

12 times it was the wrong time of the month

19 times you had to get up early

9 times you said weren’t in the mood

7 times you were sunburned

6 times you were watching the late show

5 times you didn’t want to muss your new hairdo

3 times you said the neighbors would hear us

9 times you said your mother would hear us

Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory because:

6 times you just laid there

8 times you reminded me that there’s a crack in the ceiling

4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with

7 times I had to wake you and tell you I had finished

1 time I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move

To my dear husband,

I think you have things a little confused. Here are the reasons you didn’t get more than you did:

5 times you came home drunk and tried to screw the cat

36 times you did not come home at all

21 times you didn’t come

33 times you came too soon

19 times you went soft before you got in

38 times you worked too late

10 times you got cramps in your toes

29 times you had to get up early to play golf

2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the balls

4 times you got it stuck in your zipper

3 times you had a cold and your nose was running

2 times you had a splinter in your finger

20 times you lost the notion after thinking about it all day

6 times you came in your pajamas while reading a dirty book

98 times you were too busy watching sports on t.v.

Of the times we did get together, the reason I laid still was because you missed and were screwing the sheets. I wasn’t talking about the crack in the ceiling.

What I said was, “Would you prefer me on my back or kneeling?”

The time you felt me move was because you farted, and I was trying to breathe.

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