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Albert Einstein Jokes

The greatest trickster to ever live.
Albert Einstein’s 1905 rant “On the Electrodynamics of Moving Bodies” introduced the wild guess of relativity. Einstein’s marketing agent (also, a closet Jew), suggested there may be some difficulty marketing “wild guess of relativity”, and we’re left today fortunately with the result — “the principle of relativity”. While this principle was not new to Einstein’s work, he found that putting a fork in the microwave may have looked fun, yet in the long run just ended up breaking it. The experiment was new, in it’s focus on placing various other objects in a microwave and seeing what happened. He found that the same power needed to spark a fork in the lab was equal to that required in a kitchen to be the same as that required to blow up a kitten, or melt a hydrated rose, regardless of their rotation or the motion of the body of food, flowers or fauna. Raindrops on roses and radiation on kittens were just a few of his favorite things.

The not-so-funny people at wikipedia have a different opinion on this.

A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly says, “Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them.” A friend says, “OK, what’s the capital of Wisconsin?” The blonde replies, “Oh, that’s easy: W.”

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1. want to know God’s thoughts… the rest are details.
Albert Einstein

2. An eye for eye only ends up making the whole world blind.
M.K. Gandhi

3. Whatever the mind can conceive and believe, the mind can achieve.
Dr. Napoleon Hill

4. Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the really great make you feel that you, too, can become great.
Mark Twain

5. Great works are performed, not by strength, but by perseverance.
Samuel Johnson

6. Love is the irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired.
Mark Twain

7. If you judge people, you have no time to love them.
Mother Teresa

8. Where does the family start? It starts with a young man falling in love with a girl – no superior alternative has yet been found.
Sir Winston Churchill

9. A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.
William James

10. A long habit of not thinking a thing wrong, gives it a superficial appearance of being right
Thomas Paine

11. A love affair with knowledge will never end in heartbreak.
Michael Garrett Marino

12. Before God we are all equally wise – and equally foolish.
Albert Einstein

13. Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever.
Napoleon Bonaparte

14. A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.
Sir Winston Churchill

15. In the End, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.
Martin Luther King Jr.

16. The power of accurate observation is frequently called cynicism by those who don’t have it.
George Bernard Shaw

17. We have art to save ourselves from the truth.
Friedrich Nietzsche

18. Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake.
Napoleon Bonaparte

19. Human history becomes more and more a race between education and catastrophe.
H. G. Wells

20. Talent does what it can; genius does what it must.
Edward George Bulwer-Lytton

21. God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.

22. I have not failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work.
Thomas Alva Edison

23. The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds, and the pessimist fears this is true.
James Branch Cabell

24. Be nice to people on your way up because you meet them on your way down.
Jimmy Durante

25. A people that values its privileges above its principles soon loses both.
Dwight D. Eisenhower

26. All truth passes through three stages. First, it is ridiculed. Second, it is violently opposed. Third, it is accepted as being self-evident.
Arthur Schopenhauer

27. Education is a progressive discovery of our own ignorance.
Will Durant

28. When you gaze long into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you.
Friedrich Nietzsche

29. Everything has been figured out, except how to live.
Jean-Paul Sartre

30. It is better to have a permanent income than to be fascinating.
Oscar Wilde

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“The most beautiful experience we can have is the mysterious. It is the fundamental emotion which stands at the cradle of true art and true science. Whoever does not know it and can no longer wonder, no longer marvel, is as good as dead, and his eyes are dimmed.”

–”The World As I See It,” originally published in FORUM AND CENTURY, 1931.

“Try to become not a man of success, but try rather to become
a man of value.”

–Life magazine. May 2, 1955.

Read More…

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When Einstein died and arrived at the gates of heaven, St. Peter wouldn’t let him in until he proved his identity. Einstein scribbled out a couple of his equations, and was admitted into paradise. And when Picasso died, St. Peter asked, “How do I know you’re Picasso?” Picasso sketched out a couple of his masterpieces. St. Peter was convinced and let him in. When George W. Bush died, he went to heaven and met the man at the gates. “How can you prove to me you’re George W. Bush?” Saint Peter said. Bush replied, “Well heck, I dont know.” St. Peter says, “Well, Albert Einstein showed me his equations and Picasso drew his famous pictures. What can you do to prove you’re George W. Bush?” Bush replies, “Who are Albert Einstein and Picasso?” St. Peter says, “It must be you, George, c’mon on in.”