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Top 100 funniest one-liners




1 I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

2 Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

3 I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

4 The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.

5 Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. “Yes” is the answer.

6 Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.

7 We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.

8 Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand.

9 We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

10 Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.

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23 Responses to “Top 100 funniest one-liners”

  1. October 22nd, 2009 at 1:54 pm #Bonny

    ha funny

  2. January 13th, 2010 at 10:49 pm #balls

    does anyone know who wrote any of these?

  3. January 15th, 2010 at 5:31 pm #anonymous

    Almost all of these are actually 2-liners.

  4. January 16th, 2010 at 4:48 pm #Kay

    funny stuff

  5. January 21st, 2010 at 5:32 pm #Jay T

    Couple from Tommy Cooper in there.

    Very good stuff!

  6. January 21st, 2010 at 11:29 pm #Robbo

    Love it

  7. January 25th, 2010 at 12:52 am #larry

    haha, “never, under any circumstance, take a sleeping pill and a laxative in the same night”

  8. January 29th, 2010 at 3:29 pm #Linkside Seats: 19 of this Week’s Best Links

    [...] Zhang: Top 100 Funniest One Liners on the Internet Because who doesn’t enjoy a good one [...]

  9. February 7th, 2010 at 2:54 am #100 Funny One-Liners

    [...] [via Encyclopedia of Humor] [...]

  10. February 18th, 2010 at 2:04 pm #John

    Hhahahahahhahahah I Loved It Guysssss

  11. February 25th, 2010 at 1:44 am #Opego

    hey, correct me if i’m wrong. but is this not the words of George Carlin? I’m not sure about everything, but most of it.
    Enjoyed the list though, Thx.

  12. April 4th, 2010 at 8:45 pm #Anon

    At least a few are from the Marx brothers’ skits. Some are from standup comedy. The one I’m most interested in is this: “Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.”

  13. April 19th, 2010 at 11:40 pm #Hermitbiker

    …. great one-liners…. pretty cool site !! :)

  14. April 28th, 2010 at 9:07 am #Benjamin Koshkin

    Pretty interesting one liners.

    Benjamin Koshkin

  15. May 19th, 2010 at 6:41 pm #Ramy

    Most are from George Carlin, too bad the world lost such a genius…

  16. May 19th, 2010 at 10:13 pm #Screw Driver

    Can’t anything be a one liner if word wrap is off?

  17. May 20th, 2010 at 1:01 am #Perri

    Taken from http://www.onelinerz.net/top-100-funny-one-liners/ it seems. Would’ve been nice to see a credit to that site…

  18. May 21st, 2010 at 12:57 pm #tyler

    pretty sure there are quite a few mitch hedberg quotes and some from mark lowry

  19. May 28th, 2010 at 7:07 pm #Liz

    Credits for these would have been nice.

  20. June 9th, 2010 at 7:57 pm #reason

    28 is just sadistic…

  21. June 12th, 2010 at 12:50 pm #MeatStick

    #77 is from South Park…Mr. Garrison referring to a vagina.

  22. September 9th, 2010 at 5:16 pm #Jon doe

    Some where by Msrk Twain

  23. September 9th, 2010 at 6:06 pm #Watson

    These are pretty much stolen from comedians and reworded without giving them credit, most of them are in “The Comedy Thesaurus” by Judy Brown

    http://www.amazon.com/Comedy-Thesaurus-Judy-Brown/dp/1594740585

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