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Military Jokes

Regardless of your political leaning, this is just plain funny…

Note: This is an exact replication of a National Public Radio (NPR) interview between a female broadcaster, and US Army General Reinwald who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military installation.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: So, General Reinwald, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?
Read More…

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Posted in: Dumb People Jokes, Military Jokes 4 Comments.

Thank you for calling the U.S. Armed Forces.

All of our units are currently busy assisting other customers in various trouble-spots around the world.
When you hear the beep, please leave the name of your country, region of the crisis, and a number where we can reach you.
As soon as we finish cleaning up the Balkans, Afghanistan, Iraq, N. Korea, Indonesia, Philippines, Malaysia, Saudi Arabia, Iran … well you get the picture, and our compulsory “Consideration of the Feelings of Others” orientation classes, we’ll be happy to return your call.

For more options, please press one now.

If your crisis is small, immediate in nature, under-funded, and close to the ocean, press 1 for the United States Marine Corps Special Recon Forces.

If your crisis is distant, with a mild climate and good hotels, and can be solved by one of two low-risk, high-altitude bombing runs, press 2 for the United States Air Force.

If your crisis can be resolved with a bit of gray flannel, flags, and a really good marching band, press 3 for the United States Navy. Please note that Tomahawk Missile service is extremely limited and will be provided on a first-come first-serve basis.

If your crisis is not urgent, press 4 for the Rapid Deployment Force.

If you just want troops to occupy your country, get drunk at the local bars, fuck your women, run over your civilians with their vehicles, piss on your fire hydrants, and in general be a royal pain in the ass, press 5 for the United States Army.

If you’re in real trouble, press 6 for the United States Marine Corp Command Center. Your request will be processed as soon as the compulsory credit check is completed. Please note that the USMC Command Center may bill your account at any time, and the actual specifics of the charges will be highly classified.

If you’d like to join the U.S. Marines, where you’ll be shouted at for low pay, have your wife and family stationed miles from civilization, and are prepared to work long hours, risk your life, in all kinds of weather and terrain, while watching congress constantly erode your pay and benefits package, please stay on the line. A bitter, passed-over Marine Recruiter in an old strip mall down by the post office will be with you shortly.

Thank you for calling the U.S. Armed Forces Hotline.

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Posted in: Military Jokes, USA Jokes No Comments.

It was early morning at an Army camp and the first sergeant was calling out names for the daily work parties listed on a piece of paper:





” — ”

” — ”

” — ”

At that point, someone whispered into the first sergeant’s ear. He looked again at what the last name really said, quickly turned over the list and continued calling the names printed on the other side.

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Posted in: Military Jokes 13 Comments.

The Commanding Officer of a Regiment in the U. S. Marine Corps was about to start the morning briefing to his Staff and Battalion and Company Commanders. While waiting for the coffee machine to finish its brewing, he decided to pose a question to all assembled. He explained that his wife had
been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep. He posed the question of just how much of sex was ‘work’ and how much of it was ‘pleasure?’ The X.O. chimed in with 75-25% in favor of work.

A Captain said it was 50-50%.
The Colonel’s Aide, a Lt., responded with 25-75% in favor of pleasure, depending on his state of inebriation at the time.
There being no consensus, the Colonel turned to the Private First Class who was in charge of making the coffee. What was HIS opinion?
With out hesitation, the young Private First Class responded, “Sir, it absolutely has to be 100% pleasure.”
The Colonel was surprised and, as you might guess, asked why?
“Well, Sir,” began the Private First Class, “if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them.”
The room fell silent.

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Posted in: Military Jokes No Comments.

1. Land War in Asia
2. Changed name from highly catchy ‘Schickelgruber’ to boring ‘Hitler’
3. Leaving his little mustache: not growing a friendly Abe Lincoln
beard to instill trust among subjects
4. Not buying lifts for his shoes Read More…

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Posted in: Adolf Hitler Jokes, Funny Lists, Military Jokes 2 Comments.

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