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Marriage Jokes


A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring.

This man knows his co-worker to be a somewhat conservative fellow, so naturally he’s curious about the sudden change in fashion sense. The man walks up to his co-worker and says, “I didn’t know you were into earrings.”

“Don’t make such a big deal, it’s only an earring,” he replies sheepishly.

“Well, I’m curious,” begged the man, “how long have you been wearing an earring?”

“Ehr, ever since my wife found it in our bed.”

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A man staggered into the casualty department of a hospital, he had severe concussion, two black eyes, multiple bruising and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.

Naturally, the doctor asked him “What happened to you?”

The man managed to croak…”Well, my wife and I were having a quiet round of golf, we were playing the eighth…, a difficult hole at the best of times….., anyway, we both sliced our balls into a field full of cattle. We went to look for them and as we were walking round, I noticed that one of the cows had something white at it’s rear end. I went over, lifted it’s tail, and sure enough there was a golf ball with my wife’s initials on it….stuck right in the centre of the cow’s f***y.

Still holding the cow’s tail up, I yelled to my wife “Hey this looks like yours! ”

I don’t remember much after that..

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Getting married is very much like going to a continental restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.

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Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his bachelor’s degree and the woman gets her master’s.

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Marriage Seminar

While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication, Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor, “It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other.” He addressed the man, “Can you describe your wife’s favorite flower?” Tom leaned over, touched his wife’s arm gently and whispered, “It’s Pillsbury, isn’t it, honey?”

The rest of the story gets rather ugly so I’ll stop right here.

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Wife vs. Husband!

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, “Relatives of yours?”

“Yep,” the wife replied, “in-laws.”

At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, “Aren’t you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?” The other replied, “Yes I am, I married the wrong man.”

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Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is really finished.

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Cigarettes and Tampons

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.

He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle.

A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.

She says, confused, “Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?

He answers, “You see, it’s like this. Yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; ’cause it’s sooooooooooo much cheaper.

So, I figure if I have to roll my own . . . so does she ”

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A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use each day . . . 30,000 to a man’s 15,000. The wife replied, “The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men . ..” The husband then turned to his wife and asked, “What?”

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A little boy asked his father, “Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?” And the father replied, “I don’t know, son, I’m still paying for it.”

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Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her? Dad: That happens in most countries, son.

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Then there was a man who said, “I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late.
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A happy marriage is a matter of give and take; the husband gives and the wife takes.
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It doesn’t matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss.
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Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.

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When a newly married man looks happy we know why. But when a ten-year married man looks happy – we wonder why.
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After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, “You know, I was a fool when I married you.” And the husband replied, “Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn’t notice it.”

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A woman was telling her friend , “It is I who made my husband a millionaire.” “And what was he before you married him.” Asked the friend. The woman replied, ” A multi-millionaire”.

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When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife.
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A man inserted an ‘ad’ in the classifieds: “Wife wanted”. Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: “You can have mine.”

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A perfect wife is one who helps the husband with the dishes.

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Married Buddies

Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the Other and says, “You know, I don’t know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we’ve been out drinking I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!”

His buddy looks at him and says, ” Well, you’re obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife’s butt and say, ‘How about a blow job?’ …. and she’s always sound asleep.

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These are NOT made up. These are the actual titles of Country Songs…

1. Get Your Biscuits In The Oven And Your Buns In Bed
2. Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth ‘Cause I’m Kissing You Goodbye
3. How Can I Miss You If You Won’t Go Away?
4. I Can’t Get Over You, So Why Don’t You Get Under Me?
5. I Don’t Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling
6. I Got In At 2 With a 10, And Woke Up At 10 With a 2
7. I Hate Every Bone In Your Body Except For Mine
8. I Keep Forgettin’ I Forgot About You
9. I Liked You Better Before I Knew You So Well
10. I Still Miss You Baby, But My Aim’s Gettin’ Better
11. I Wouldn’t Take Her To A Dog Fight, Cause I’m Afraid She’d Win
12. I’ll Marry You Tomorrow But Let’s Honeymoon Tonite
13. I’m So Miserable Without You, It’s Like Having You Here
14. I’ve Got Tears in My Ears From Lying On My Back Crying my eyes out over you
15. If I Had Shot You When I Wanted To, I’d Be Out By Now
16. Mama Get A Hammer (There’s A Fly On Papa’s Head)
17. My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink, And I Don’t Love Jesus
18. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, and I Sure Do Miss Him
19. Please Bypass this Heart
20. She Got The Ring and I Got The Finger
21. You’re The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly

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So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.

The 1st floor sign on the door reads:

Floor 1: These men have jobs.
The 2nd floor sign reads: Read More…

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