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Men Jokes


Manliness defines the physical and behavioral attributes of a real man. (Not a woman, a man.) The subject of much scholarly debate, manliness is regularly addressed in such peer-reviewed journals as Playgirl and Men Magazine. The world’s great inebriated leaders and visionaries, such as Winston Churchill, John F. Kennedy, and George W. Bush are manly, not only because they’re men, but because they’re men who will drink a pint of whiskey and can still run a country and/or take a bullet.

Manliness, like religion, is a truth that permeates all cultures, languages, and action movie studios. However, not all cultures are of equal manliness; Canadians for example are considerably less manly, (although more wealthy), than Mexicans. Moreover, a truly manly man is someone who cuts to the chase, calls it like it is, and sips cognac while playing tackle football in a trenchcoat.

Girl Drinks

Drink: Beer
Personality: Casual, low-maintenance; down to earth.
Your Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool.

Drink: Blender Drinks
Personality: Flaky, annoying; a pain in the ass.
Your Approach: Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabin boy.

Drink: Mixed Drinks
Personality: Older, has picky taste; knows what she wants.
Your Approach: You won’t have to approach her. She’ll send YOU a drink.

Drink: Wine – (does not include white zinfandel, see below)
Personality: Conservative and classy, sophisticated.
Your Approach: Tell her you wish Reagan had had four more years… Alzheimer’s and term limits be damned.

Drink: White Zin
Personality: Easy; thinks she is classy and sophisticated, actually has no clue.
Your approach: Make her feel smarter than she is…

Drink: Shots
Personality: Hanging with frat-boy pals or looking to get drunk… and naked.
Your Approach: Easiest hit in the joint. Nothing to do but wait.

Guy Drinks

Then there is the male addendum …. The deal with guys is, as always, very simple and clear cut.

Domestic Beer: He’s poor and wants to get laid.

Imported Beer: He likes good beer and wants to get laid.

Wine: He’s hoping that the wine thing will give him a sophisticated image to help him get laid.

Whiskey: He doesn’t give two shits about anything but getting laid.

Tequila: Piss off, all you wankers, I’m gonna go shag something.

White Zin: He’s gay.

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A crusty old Army Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.

“Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"

“Negative, ma’am. Just serious by nature."

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, “It looks like you have seen a lot of action."

“Yes, ma’am, a lot of action."

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, “You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.

Finally the young lady said, “You know, I hope you don’t take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"

“1955, ma’am." “Well, there you are. No wonder you’re so serious. You really need to chill out! I mean, no sex since 1955!" She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to “relax" him several times.

Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, “Wow, you sure didn’t forget much since 1955."

The Sergeant Major said in his serious voice, after glancing at his watch, “I hope not; it’s only 2130 now."

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Women get the last word in every argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument. ~ Unknown

A woman can say more in a sigh than a man can say in a sermon. ~Arnold Haultain

Every woman is wrong until she cries, and then she is right – instantly. ~Sam Slick (Thomas Chandler Haliburton)

A highbrow is a man who has found something more interesting than women. ~Edgar Wallace

It upsets women to be, or not to be, stared at hungrily. ~Mignon McLaughlin, The Neurotic’s Notebook, 1960

I’d rather have two girls at seventeen than one at thirty-four. ~Fred Allen

All women are basically in competition with each other for a handful of eligible men. ~Mignon McLaughlin, The Second Neurotic’s Notebook, 1966

A woman wears her tears like jewelry. ~ Unknown

If a girl looks swell when she meets you, who gives a damn if she’s late? Nobody. ~J.D. Salinger, Catcher in the Rye

No woman wants to see herself too clearly. ~Mignon McLaughlin, The Second Neurotic’s Notebook, 1966

Physically, a man is a man for a much longer time than a woman is a woman. ~Honoré de Balzac, The Physiology of Marriage

The girls that are always easy on the eyes are never easy on the heart. ~Unknown

Men enjoy being thought of as hunters, but are generally too lazy to hunt. Women, on the other hand, love to hunt, but would rather nobody knew it. ~Mignon McLaughlin, The Second Neurotic’s Notebook, 1966

Men at most differ as Heaven and Earth, but women, worst and best, as Heaven and Hell. ~Alfred Lord Tennyson

Men look at themselves in mirrors. Women look for themselves. ~Elissa Melamed

There are three things men can do with women: love them, suffer for them, or turn them into literature. ~Stephen Stills

It is because of men that women dislike one another. ~Jean de La Bruyère, Characters, 1688

If you are ever in doubt as to whether to kiss a pretty girl, always give her the benefit of the doubt. ~Thomas Carlyle

A woman can look both moral and exciting… if she also looks as if it was quite a struggle. ~Edna Ferber

Women have very little idea of how much men hate them. ~Germaine Greer

Do you not know I am a woman? when I think, I must speak. ~William Shakespeare, As You Like It

Women always worry about the things that men forget; men always worry about the things women remember. ~ Unknown

Women like silent men. They think they’re listening. ~Marcel Achard, Quote, 4 November 1956

Good-looking girls break hearts, and goodhearted girls mend them. ~Mignon McLaughlin, The Second Neurotic’s Notebook, 1966

The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think. ~ Unknown

Fighting is essentially a masculine idea; a woman’s weapon is her tongue. ~Hermione Gingoldtcalf

Women are like elephants to me. I like to look at them, but I wouldn’t want to own one. ~W.C. Fields

The rarest thing in the world is a woman who is pleased with photographs of herself. ~Elizabeth Metcalf

A pessimist is a man who thinks all women are bad. An optimist is a man who hopes they are. ~Chauncey Mitchell Depew

Can you imagine a world without men? No crime and lots of happy fat women. ~Nicole Hollander

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She says = English
1. We need = I want
2. It’s your decision = The correct decision should be
obvious by now
3. Do what you want = You’ll pay for this later
4. We need to talk = Read More…

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Q: How many men does it take to open a beer?
A: None. It should be opened when she brings it.
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Q: Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
A: Because a woman who can’t even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
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Q: Why do women have smaller feet than men?
A: It’s one of those “evolutionary things” that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
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Q: How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
A: When she starts a sentence with “A man once told me…”
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Q: How do you fix a woman’s watch?
A: You don’t. There is a clock on the oven.
—————————————- —————————
Q: If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
A: The dog, of course. He’ll shut up once you let him in.
—————————————- —————————
Q: What’s worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A: A woman who won’t do what she’s told.
—————————————- —————————
I married a Miss Right.
I just didn’t know her first name was Always.
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Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman’s sex drive by 90%.
It’s called a Wedding Cake.
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Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
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Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
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In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

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