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Pilots Jokes


“Stewardess”
“Yes, Sir?”
“I want to complain about this airline. Every time I fly, I get the same seat, I can’t see the in-flight movie and there are no window blinds, so I can’t sleep.”
“Captain, shut up and land the plane.”

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Weather: clear, visibility: good. Take-off runway was two-eight, landing runway one-six, alternate one-four.
Tower: Alitalia 194, you are cleared to taxi to runway two-eight; line up and hold. Expect take-off clearance shortly.
AZ194: Ahhh, yes, taxi to two-eight-a and hold-a
after 30 seconds … Tower: Alitalia 194, cleared for take-off
AZ194: Ahhh, two minutes, need-a preflight checks
again 30 seconds later … Tower: ALITALIA ONE-NINE-FOR, YOU ARE CLEARED FOR TAKE OFF NOW.
AZ194: Ehmmm, yes, yes, take off-a in two minutes … Read More…

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Tower: Hotel Papa Oscar climb four thousand to six thousand and maintain.
Pilot: Hotel Papa Oscar, climbing flight level one-hundred.
Tower: Negative, Hotel Papa Oscar, climb to flight level six-zero and maintain.
Pilot: But four plus six equals ten, no?
Tower: You’re to climb, not to add.

Pilot: FLX three-zero, Tower, we’re running out of fuel, please advise!
Tower: What’s your position, I don’t have radar contact!
Pilot: We’re lined up for runway two-nine and would like to know where the fuel truck is.

Tower: Washington D.C., Clearance Delivery: German Air Force 269, you are cleared to Destination Indian Springs via after take off radar vectors to 4000 feet thereafter present position direct BOM do not pass BOM at 6000 feet or below after passing 15000 feet turn right on heading 280 to intercept j156 direct ZZT thereafter intercept j158 own navigation read back.
Pilot: GAF 269: Roger German Air Force 269 is cleared to Destination Indian Springs via after take off radar vectors to 4000 feet thereafter present position direct BOM do not pass BOM at 6000 feet or below after passing 15000 feet turn right on heading 280 to intercept j156 direct ZZT thereafter intercept j158 own navigation and I need another pencil.

Tower: Cannot read you, say again!
Pilot: Again!

Tower: What’s your heigth and position?
Pilot: Well, I’m 6 foot tall and I’m sitting front left.

Tower: Hawk 20, is this the same aircraft declaring emergency about two hours ago ?
Pilot: Negativ, Sir. It’s only the same pilot.

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Pilot: Apron, Interflug 195, requesting start-up.
Apron: Sorry, Interflug 195, we don’t have your flight plan. What is your destination ?
Pilot: As always on Monday, we’re flying to Leipzig.
Apron: But it’s Tuesday today!
Pilot: What? Tuesday is our day off!

Pilot: Tower, there’s a runway light burning.
Tower: I’m sure there must be dozens of lights burning.
Pilot: Sorry, I mean it’s smoking.

Tower: Delta Zulu Romeo, turn right now and report your heading.
Pilot: Wilco. 341, 342, 343, 344, 345…

Tower: Lufthansa 893, you’re number one, check for workers on the taxiway. Read More…

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Tower (at Stuttgart): Lufthansa 5680, reduce to 170 knots.
Pilot: This is exactly like Frankurt. It’s either 210 or 170. Never anything else; but we are soo flexible …
Tower: So are we. Reduce to 173 knots.

Tower: Phantom – formation crossing control district without clearance, state your call sign!
Pilot: I’m not silly…

Pilot: Tower, please call me a fuel truck.
Tower: Roger. You are a fuel truck. Read More…

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