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Abraham Lincoln Jokes

Abraham Jefferson Lincoln, a.k.a. The Sexy Ocelot, born at the Lincoln Memorial Hospital (1809-2008) to a Black-Jewish-Italian-Native American man, and an eight foot tall she-bear, was an outspoken slavery advocate, world renound plumber, massoose, triangle player[2], racist stand-up comedian, and pimp who became President of the United States after a voting mishap. In the early years of his career, he was famous for his offensive jokes about Blacks that he put in his speeches promoting slavery. Often considered the Michael Richards of the 1800′s, Lincoln’s acts typically included jokes about slavery, Africa, your mom, and Kentuckistan Fried Chicken. However, as racism slowly started to become unacceptable in society, he moved on to insulting women in his act. Historians such as Sain of Lycia said this was a smart move on Lincoln’s part because “making fun of women will never age”. Eventually, Lincoln become president through a bizarre, freakish voting discrepancy involving Oprah[3], a Slaxe, and rabid squirrels. During the beginning of the American Civil War, Lincoln was granted Emergency Powers by the first mentally disabled member of the Senate in order to quickly quell the rebellion. Near the end of the war, the Senate had nearly no power, and many people began to worry about the US becoming an Empire. Lincoln tore up a petition called the Petiton of Senators Against Emergency Powers Used to Gain More Power. This prompted John Wilkes Boothy, a senator, to assasinate Lincoln at Fords Theater, ending his reign as dictatorial leader. Abe Lincoln was also a reknowed samurai and zombie slayer.

Being one of America’s most good-looking Presidents[4], Lincoln is therefore accepted as one of America’s greatest Presidents. A great strategist, Lincoln reportedly[5] made sure that tall lecterns were installed on the stage wherever he debated an opponent, thereby ensuring that the audience couldn’t actually see his opponent (let alone hear him).

The not-so-funny people at wikipedia have a different opinion on this.

A blonde walks into the police department looking for a job. The officer wants to ask her a few questions….

Officer: What’s 2+2?

Blonde: Ummmmm… 4!

Officer: What’s the square root of 100?

Blonde: Ummmm… 10!

Officer: Good! Now, who killed Abraham Lincoln?
Read More…

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In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com, did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot. And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg.
Indeed, she had been called Amazon Dot Com.

She said unto Abraham, her husband, “Why doth thou travel far from town to town with thy goods when thou can trade without ever leaving thy tent?” And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, “How, Dear?”

And Dot replied, “I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale and they will reply telling you which hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah’s Pony Stable (UPS).”

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. The drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever moving from his tent. But this success did arouse envy.

A man named Maccabia did secret himself inside Abraham’s drum and was accused of insider trading. And the young man did take to Dot Com’s trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Siderites, or NERDS for short.

And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums, that no one noticed that the real riches were going to the drum maker, one Brother William of Gates, who bought up every drum company in the land. And indeed did insist on making drums that would work only with Brother Gates’ drumheads and drumsticks.

Dot did say, “Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others.” And as Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or as it came to be known “eBay” he said, “we need a name that reflects what we are,” and Dot replied, “Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators.”

“YAHOO”, said Abraham. And that is how it all began, It wasn’t Al Gore after all.

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George Bush went jogging one morning and came upon the Washington monument. He said, “George, what should I do?” After a few seconds George replied, “Abolish the IRS and start over.” George thought about this for a few seconds and continued jogging.

Shortly he came upon the Jefferson Memorial and stopped. He said “Tom, what should I do?” After a few seconds Tom replied, “Abolish welfare and start over.”

George continued jogging after thinking about this and came upon the Lincoln Memorial. He said, “Abe, what should I do?” After a few seconds Abe replied “Why don’t you take the night off and go to the theater?”