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Lawyers Jokes


The Lawyer may be recognised by his freshly ironed starched white shirt, long black pants, silk power tie, and a strange tendency to constantly compliment everyone he comes into contact with while simultaneously charging them a small one-time consultation fee of around $147. Like the mosquito, the Lawyer absconds with his blood-meal very often before the host has even realized it has been stolen. Unlike the mosquito, however, which at worst may give you malaria, Lawyers may expose you to unusually high titers of poison gas, huge electrical voltages, or non-therapeutic intravenous injections. Lawyers have an uncanny ability to defend the innocense of criminals and terrorists whom they would not come within 20 feet of themselves. Lawyers have a very confused understanding of free speech: that free speech is free only if it does not offend them or their clients, whereas violating common decency, or compromising national security, is permissible. A lawyer’s worst fear is that somebody, somewhere in the universe, is happy, wealthy, reputable, and getting something productive done. An interesting enigma surrounding lawyerdom is that despite lawyers’ notorious greed and guile and all-around sociopathy, at the end of the day they write checks to liberal causes, because after all, lawyers “care about people…especially their most loyal patrons”.

I was driving on Beach Boulevard behind an ancient guy in a beat up truck.

He decides to turn in front of me without a blinker.

I accelerate to swerve and avoid him, and this, overaerobicized woman jumps in front of my car with her hand up.

She proceeds to yell in my window, “Hey, slow down you idiot!” I’m a well-bred, mellow guy by nature, so I ignore this.

As I drive away, she yells, “*******” at me again. Twice? I turn around and drive up next to her.

“Do you have a problem?” I ask.

“Yeah, why are you driving like an idiot?”

“I was driving like an idiot? How, exactly.”

“You were speeding. I watched you.”

“You were? I see. How did you measure my speed?” (Ever the interrogator, I am.)

“I heard you.”

“So, you measured my speed by ear?”

“I can hear.”

“How fast did you HEAR me going?”

“Look,” she says, “I don’t have to take this. Here comes a cop. I’ll wave him down.”

THE POLICE? This woman is a trip. She waves him down, and proceeds to tell him that she observed me speeding.

“What happened?” he asks. I told him the story, and told him that I accelerated to an indicated 33 mph (the speed limit is 35) to avoid a collision.

“Are those mufflers legal?” Ethel asks.

She’s pushing it. I reply, “I have a C.A.R.B. exemption for them.” I give the paperwork to the cop.

She tries to find another thing to screw me with. She says “What about those big tires? They CAN’T be legal.” I began feeling little overheated gears in the back of my head start to turn.

“These tires were available on the 1970 Boss 429, “I told the cop,” Which makes them street legal as a replacement.”

Ethel gets angry. She whines, “So you’re not going to give out any tickets to this ******?”

The cop says, “No, I am not.”

I’ve about had it. So I say, “Sir, this woman told you that she left the street at the corner, and she met up with my car here. According to Title 39, pedestrians have to cross the street at a right angle. This woman admitted she crossed at a 45-degree angle, which is a ticketable offense.”

“What?” The cop looks confused.

“Also, she told you that she walked in front of my car to stop me. A citizen can’t detain someone without probable cause, under Terry v. Ohio (my new favorite case). Since she couldn’t measure my speed, she had no probable cause to detain me. That is an indictable offense.”

The cop says, “But, I didn’t see any of this.”

“But,” I said, “I did, and, as an officer of the Court, I can demand her arrest. I’ll agree to dismiss the Illegal Detention charge, but I want her cited for not crossing at a right angle and Hazardous Conduct on a Public Street.”

The cop called his Lieutenant, and after the cop told the story, he authorized the summonses.

She went home with $215.00 worth of traffic tickets, and they are worth a total of four points against her license, as well as the appropriate insurance surcharge!

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Three lawyers and three engineers are traveling by train to a conference.
At the station, the three lawyers each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket.

“How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?” asks a lawyer.

“Watch and you’ll see,” answers an engineer.

They all board the train. The lawyers take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into Read More…

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A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged,
balding man standing at the counter methodically placing
“Love” stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over
them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying
scent all over them.

His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the
balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says
“I’m sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, ‘Guess who?’”

“But why?” asks the man.

“I’m a divorce lawyer,” the man replies.

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A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, “Please be gentle, I’m still a virgin.”

“What?” said the puzzled groom.

“How can that be if you’ve been married ten times?”

“Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be. Read More…

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