Encyclopedia of Humor

A man was brought to Mercy Hospital and taken in for coronary surgery. The operation went well and, as the groggy man regained consciousness, he was reassured by a Sister of Mercy, who was waiting by his bed.

“Mr. Smith, you’re going to be just fine,” said the nun, gently patting his hand. “We do need to know, however, how you intend to pay for your stay here. Are you covered by insurance?”

“No, I’m not,” the man whispered hoarsely.

“Can you pay in cash?” persisted the nun.

“I’m afraid I cannot, Sister.”

“Well, do you have any close relatives?” the nun essayed.

“Just my sister in New Mexico,” he volunteered. “But she’s a humble spinster nun.”

“Oh, I must correct you, Mr. Smith. Nuns are not ‘spinsters.’ They are married to God.”

“Wonderful,” said Smith. “In that case, please send the bill to my brother-in-law.”

While the Pope was in St. Louis he decided to grant absolution to three sinners. The first person to come up was Richard Nixon.

The Pope asked, “What is your sin?”

“I hired people to break into the Watergate Hotel.”

The Pope replied, “Kneel down. I’ll bless you and grant you absolution.”

Next in line was Bill Clinton. “What was your sin, son?”

“I cheated on my wife.” The Philanderer in Chief replied.

“Kneel down, my son. I’ll bless you and grant you absolution.”

A third person came up and the Pope asked, “What is your name?”

“Monica Lewinsky.” The Pope stroked his chin. “Hmmmm….. Perhaps you should remain standing.”

A young woman brings home her fiancée to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother tells her father to find out about the young man. The father invites the fiancée to his study for a drink.

“So what are your plans?” the father asks the young man.

“I am a Torah scholar,” he replies.

“A Torah scholar. Hmm.” the father says. “Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in as she’s accustomed to?”

“I will study,” the young man replies, “and God will provide for us.”

“And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring such as she deserves?” asks the father.

“I will concentrate on my studies,” the young man replies, “and God will provide for us.”

“And children?” asks the father. “How will you support children?”

“Don’t worry, sir, God will provide,” replies the fiancée.

The conversation proceeds like this, and each time the father questions, the young idealist insists that God will provide.

Later, the mother asks, “How did it go, honey?”

The father answers, “He has no job and no plans, but the good news is he thinks I’m God.”

Many years ago, a Jewish lady named Mrs. Rosenberg was stranded late one night at a fashionable resort on Cape Cod — one that did not admit Jews.

The desk clerk looked down at his book and said, “Sorry, no room. The hotel is full.”

The Jewish lady said, “But your sign says that you have vacancies.”

The desk clerk stammered and then said curtly, “You know that we do not admit Jews. Now if you will try the other side of town…”

Mrs. Rosenberg stiffened noticeably and said, “I’ll have you know I converted to your religion.”

The desk clerk said, “Oh, yeah, let me give you a little test. How was Jesus born?”

Mrs. Rosenberg replied, “He was born to a virgin named Mary in a little town called Bethlehem.”

“Very good,” replied the hotel clerk. “Tell me more.”

Mrs. Rosenberg replied, “He was born in a manger.”

“That’s right,” said the hotel clerk. “And why was he born in a manger?”

Mrs. Rosenberg said loudly, “Because a jerk like you in the hotel wouldn’t give a Jewish lady a room for the night!”

A man died and went to The Judgment. St. Peter met him at the Gates of Heaven and said, “Before you meet with God, I thought I should tell you — we’ve looked at your life, and your really didn’t do anything particularly good or bad. We’re not at all sure what to do with you. Can you tell us anything you did that can help us make a decision?”

The newly arrived soul thought for a moment and replied, “Yeah, once I was driving along and came upon a woman who was being harassed by a group of bikers. So I pulled over, got out my tire iron, and went up to the leader of the bikers. He was a big, muscular, hairy guy with tattoos all over his body and a ring pierced through his nose. Well, I tore the nose ring out of his nose, and told him he and his gang had better stop bothering the woman or they would have to deal with me!”

“I’m impressed,” St. Peter responded, “When did this happen?”

“About two minutes ago,” came the reply.