Encyclopedia of Humor

A man had a terrible passion for baked beans, but they always had a somewhat lively effect on him. After he met the woman of his dreams, he made the supreme sacrifice and gave them up; he couldn’t imagine subjecting his new wife to his beastly emissions.On his birthday, his car broke down, so he called his wife and told her he’d have to walk home. He walked past a cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him. Since he was still a couple of miles from home, he figured he could indulge, and then walk off any ill effects. So he had three extra-large helpings of beans, and he “put-putted” all the way home.

His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, “Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!”

She blindfolded him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table, making him promise not to peek. At this point, he was beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as she was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang and she went to answer it.

While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg. He gasped and felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him. He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. This one sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled worse. He tried flapping his arms, to clear the air. But another one snuck out, and the windows rattled, the dishes on the table shook, and a minute later, the flowers on the table were dead.

When he heard his wife ending her conversation, he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it. He was the picture of innocence when she walked in.

Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner. He assured her he had not, so she removed the blindfold and yelled, “Surprise!!!”

To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party.

A news story said the police caught a guy trying to cash a phony check and took him down to the station. While the officers were distracted, the crook grabbed the check off the desk and swallowed it.No problem: the police waited five or six hours and then charged the guy with passing a bad check.

Twice.

Mike and Frank driving on a street, in different directions. Out of some unfortunate mishap, the cars slammed into each other, head-on. The two men were able to get out of their cars without any serious injury, but the cars were totaled.Before Frank could say anything, Mike said, “Instead of fighting over whose fault it was, why don’t we just celebrate that we were able to come out alive?”

Frank said, “Yeah, good idea!”

“I have a bottle of whisky in the trunk, why don’t I pull that out?” suggested Mike. He went around, and luckily the bottle was not damaged in the accident. He gave it to Frank and said, “Here, drink some!”

Frank took the bottle and chugged half of it down. Then he wiped his mouth and handed the bottle over to Mike. “Here, you have some!”

Mike passed it back and said, “Nah, I think I’ll wait until the police get here.”

Ehe Englishman, the French guy and the American are exploring Africa, when they’re attacked by cannibals. The cannibal chief says, ‘Well, we’re gonna eat your flesh and use your skin for canoes. Tough luck, eh? But you can choose the way you’re gonna die.’The Englishman goes, ‘May I have a revolver?’

When he ges it, he blows his brains out, saying, ‘God save the queen!’

The French guy says, ‘I vill take ze poison.’

He gulps it down and says, ‘Vive le France!’ and dies.

The American says, ‘Gimme a fork!’

The chief hands him one, and the guy pokes himself all over his skin with it, and shouts, ‘That’s what I think of your fucking canoe!’

The Atlanta School Board, feeling left out by the fuss over Ebonics, has decided to designate Southern slang, or “Hickphonics,” as a language to be taught in all Southern schools. Here are excerpts from the Hickphonics/English dictionary:HEIDI — noun. Greeting.

HIRE YEW – Complete sentence. Remainder of greeting.

Usage: “Heidi. Hire yew.”

BARD — verb. Past tense of the infinitive “to borrow.”

Usage: “My brother bard my pickup truck.”

JAWJUH — noun. A state just north of Florida. Capital is Hot-lanta.

Usage: “My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck.”

MUNTS — noun. A calendar division.

Usage: “My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and I ain’t herd from him in munts.”

IGNERT — adjective. Not smart. See “Arkansas native.”

Usage: “Them N-C-TWO-A boys sure are ignert!”

RANCH — noun. A tool used for tight’nin’ bolts.

Usage: “I think I left my ranch in the back of that pickup truck my brother from Jawjuh bard a few munts ago.”

ALL — noun. A petroleum-based lubricant.

Usage: “I sure hope my brother from Jawjuh puts all in my pickup truck.”

FAR — noun. A conflagration.

Usage: “If my brother from Jawjuh don’t change the all in my pickup truck, that things gonna catch far.”

BAHS — noun. A supervisor.

Usage: “If you don’t stop reading these Southern words and git back to work (or studying), your bahs is gonna far you!”

TAR — noun. A rubber wheel.

Usage: “Gee, I hope that brother of mine from Jawjuh don’t git a flat tar in my pickup truck.”

TIRE — noun. A tall monument.

Usage: “Lord willin’ and the creek don’t rise, I sure do hope to see that Eiffel Tire in Paris sometime.”

RETARD — Verb. To stop working.

Usage: “My grampaw retard at age 65.”

TARRED — adverb. Exhausted.

Usage: “I just flew in from Hot-lanta, and boy my arms are tarred.”

FAT — noun, verb. 1. a battle or combat. 2. to engage in battle or combat.

ARE — pronoun. Possessive case of we used as a predicate adjective.

RATS — noun. Entitled power or privilege.

Usage: “We Southerners are willin’ to fat for are rats.”

FARN — adjective. Not local.

Usage: “I cuddint unnerstand a wurd he sed… must be from some farn country.”

DID — adjective. Not alive.

Usage: “He’s did, Jim.”

EAR — noun. A colorless, odorless gas (unless you are in LA).

Usage: “He cain’t breath … give ‘im some ear!”

BOB WAR — noun. A sharp, twisted cable.

Usage: “Boy, stay away from that bob war fence.”

JEW HERE — Noun and verb contraction.

Usage: “Jew here that my brother from Jawjuh got a job with that bob war fence cump’ny?”

HAZE — a contraction.

Usage: “Is Bubba smart?” “Nah… haze ignert.”

SEED — verb, past tense.

VIEW — contraction: verb and pronoun.

Usage: “I ain’t never seed New York City… view?”