Encyclopedia of Humor

One day at the rest home, an old man and woman are talking. Out of nowhere the woman says, “I can guess your age.”The man doesn’t believe her, but tells her to go ahead and try.

“Pull down your pants,” she says.

He doesn’t understand but does it anyway. She inspects his rear end for a few minutes and then says, “You’re 84 years old.”

“That’s amazing,” the man says. “How did you know?”

“You told me yesterday.”

My husband and I were in the car heading home from a weekend trip out of town.We needed gasoline, so I stopped at a gas station just off the highway and maneuvered up to a pump. On this particular pump there was a hand written sign placed there by management that read, “This pump is very slow.”

Just below this message, some joker had added, “My name is Forest… Forest Pump.”

Mike goes to his first show at an art gallery and is looking at the paintings. One is a huge canvas that has black with yellow blobs of paint splattered all over it. The next painting isa murky gray color that has drips of purple paint streaked cross it.

Mike walks over to the artist and says, “I don’t understand your paintings.”

“I paint what I feel inside me,” explains the artist.

Mike says, “Have you ever tried Alka-Seltzer?”

…man who run in front of car get tired.

..man who run behind car get exhausted.

..war doesn’t determine who is right, war determines who is left.

..man who drive like hell bound to get there.

..man who stand on toilet is high on pot.

Andy Rooney Quotes:

Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.

I’m not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.

I am in shape. Round’s a shape!

Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?

Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster is a maniac.

The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are okay, then it’s you.

Future historians will be able to study at the Gerald Ford Library; the Jimmy Carter Library; the Ronald Reagan Library and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.
..crowded elevator smells different to midget.

A man from the Welfare department was interviewing a lady who had requested assistance and he was reviewing her form. He noted that she stated that she had three sons, but only has one name listed, “Leroy”. “Yes”, she replied, “All three sons are named Leroy.”"Why would you do that?”, inquired the government worker.

“It makes it much easier to get things done.”, was her reply. “Leroy, time for bath.” And they all would get in the bath. “Leroy, time for supper.” And they all would come to the table.

Amazed, the government worker then inquired how did she get personal if she wanted to talk with just one of her sons.

“Oh that’s easy”, she replied. “I just call them by their last name.”