Encyclopedia of Humor

All men are idiots, and I married their King.So many stupid people… so few comets.

Your kid may be an honors student, but you’re still an idiot.

Cover me. I’m changing lanes.

I Brake for no apparent reason.

Learn from your parents’ mistakes — use birth control.

Forget about World Peace…Visualize using your turn signal.

Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.

It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you.

Auntie Em, Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog. Dorothy.

Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.

I love cats…they taste just like chicken.

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.

Work is for people who don’t know how to fish.

Montana — At least our cows are sane!

I didn’t fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.

Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.

If you don’t like the news, go out and make some.

Sorry, I don’t date outside my species.

Reality is a crutch for people who can’t handle drugs.

Where there’s a will, I want to be in it.

OK, who stopped payment on my reality check?

Few women admit their age; fewer men act it.

I don’t suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.

Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW.

It’s lonely at the top, but you eat better.

According to my calculations, the problem doesn’t exist.

Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.

Make it idiot-proof and someone will make a better idiot.

Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else.

Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.

Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

Be nice to your kids. They’ll choose your nursing home.

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder…

There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can’t.

A man, his wife, and seven children where waiting in a bus stop. After some time a blind man joins them. The bus arrives. The blind man and the large family find themselves walking because of the crowded bus. The blind man starts tapping his stick on the road, which seems to annoy the husband who shouts at the blind man…

“Can’t you put a rubber to the end of your stick to avoid that irritating noise.”

To this the blind man replies…

One day, a large group of people were waiting for the bus at a local Greyhound station. At the front of the line was a very attractive woman dressed in a black business vest, white blouse, leather miniskirt, and high heels.

As the bus pulled up and opened the door, she went to board it, but found that her skirt was too tight for her to raise her leg to the required height. Looking around and thinking quickly, she reaches behind her and unzips the zipper on the back of her skirt a little and then tries again. Again, she finds that she cannot maneuver the step, so once more she reaches behind her and unzips her skirt a little more.

With a smile, she looks at the bus driver and tries to board again. With disappointment, she finds that she still can’t step that high and so with exasperation and a sigh she unzips her skirt the rest of the way down. To her amazement, her leg still will not reach the bottom step.

Finally, a very large Texan behind her gently grabs her by the waist, lifts her up, and places her on the bus. The woman turns to the Texan furious and says, “Who do you think you are to touch my body in that way? I don’t even know you!”

Nonplused, the Texan looks at her and replies, “Well, ma’am, after you unzipped my fly I thought we were pretty good friends.”
“If you would have put a rubber to the end of your stick we all would have been in the bus.”

A small white guy walks into an elevator and notices a huge black dude standing next to him. The big black guy looks down at the small white guy and says, “Seven feet tall, 350 pounds, 20-inch dick, 3-pound left ball, 3-pound right ball, Ben Dover.” The small white guy faints!The big guy picks up the small guy and brings him to, slapping his face and shaking him before he booms out, “What’s wrong?”

The small guy says, “Excuse me, but what did you say?”

The big guy looks down and says, “Seven feet tall, 350 pounds, 20-inch dick, 3-pound left ball, 3-pound right ball, my name is Ben Dover.”

The small white guy says, “Thank god! The first time I thought you had said, ‘Bend over!’”

Two guys were on a long drive back from a fishing trip, when one turned to the other and said he needed to go to the bathroom. So they stopped the truck and he went behind the bushes. When he came back the other said “That was fast.”"Well I need to take a shit but I’ve got nothing to wipe my ass with.”

The other answers, “That’s easy, just go on back, pull out a dollar, and wipe your ass with it.”

“O.K.” he says as he goes back over to the bush.

Later he comes back with a really upset look on his face and shit all over his hands and says “That was a terrible idea.

Not only did I get shit all over me, I’ve got 10 dimes stuck up my ass!”

In dire need of a beauty make-over, Nancy went to her salon with a fashion magazine photo of a gorgeous, young, lustrous haired model.She showed the stylist the trendy new cut she wanted and settled into the chair as he began humming a catchy tune and got to work on her thin, graying hair.

Nancy was delighted by his cheerful attitude until she recognized the melody.

It was the theme from “Mission Impossible.”