Encyclopedia of Humor

A bright young executive had just been hired as the new CEO of a large high tech firm. The CEO who was stepping down met with him privately and handed him three numbered envelopes.

“Open these if you run up against a problem you don’t think you can handle,” he said.

Well, things went along pretty smoothly, but six months later, sales took a nosedive and he was really catching a lot of heat from the board. At wit’s end, he remembered the envelopes. He went to his drawer and tookout the first envelope. The message read, “Blame your predecessor.”

The new CEO called a press conference and tactfully laid the blame at the feet of the previous CEO. Satisfied with his comments, the board, the press, and Wall Street responded positively, sales picked up, stockprices rose and the problem was soon behind him.

About a year later, the company was again experiencing a slight dip insales, combined with serious problems getting new product to market. Having learned from his previous experience, the CEO wasted no time inopening the second envelope. The message read, “Reorganize.” This he did, and again the company quickly rebounded. After several consecutive profitable quarters, the company once again fell on difficult times. The CEO went to his office, closed the door and opened the third envelope. The simple message said, “Prepare three envelopes…”

A woman phones up her husband at work for a chat. . . .

Says He: “I’m sorry honey but I’m up to my neck in work today”

Says She: “But I’ve got some good news and some bad news for you dear.”

Says He: “OK darling, but since I’ve got no time now, just give me the good news, OK?”

Says She: “Well, the air bag works…”

*** These are actual excuse notes teachers have received, spelling mistakes included. ***

My son is under a doctor’s care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.

Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.

Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33.

Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.

Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.

John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.

Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.

Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.

Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.

Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.

Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea and his boots leak.

Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.

Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father’s fault.

I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don’t know what size she wear.

Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.

Sally won’t be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.

My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines.

Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.

Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.

Please excuse Burma, she has been sick and under the doctor.

TO: All Employees FROM: Human Resources

It has been brought to management’s attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their coworkers. Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated. We do however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with coworkers.

Therefore, a list of “TRY SAYING” new phrases has been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner without risk of offending our more sensitive employees.

TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late. INSTEAD OF: And when the fuck do you expect me to do this?

TRY SAYING: I’m certain that isn’t feasible. INSTEAD OF: No fucking way.

TRY SAYING: I wasn’t involved in the project. INSTEAD OF: It’s not my fucking problem.

TRY SAYING: That’s interesting. INSTEAD OF: What the fuck?

TRY SAYING: I’ll try to schedule that. INSTEAD OF: Why the hell didn’t you tell me sooner?

TRY SAYING: He’s not familiar with the issues. INSTEAD OF: He’s got his head up his ass.

TRY SAYING: I’m a bit overloaded at the moment. INSTEAD OF: Fuck it, I’m on salary.

TRY SAYING: I don’t think you understand. INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your ass.

TRY SAYING: I love a challenge. INSTEAD OF: This job sucks.

TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that? INSTEAD OF: Who the hell died and made you boss?

TRY SAYING: I see. INSTEAD OF: Blow me.

TRY SAYING: Yes, we really should discuss it. INSTEAD OF: Another fucking meeting!

TRY SAYING: He’s somewhat insensitive. INSTEAD OF: He’s a prick. TRY SAYING: She’s an aggressive go-getter. INSTEAD OF: She’s a ball-busting bitch.

TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training. INSTEAD OF: You don’t know what the fuck you’re doing.

TRY SAYING: So you weren’t happy with it? INSTEAD OF: Kiss my ass.