Encyclopedia of Humor

Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the “in-flight safety lecture” and their other announcements a bit more entertaining.

Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

1. From a Southwest Airlines employee…. “There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane…”

2. Pilot-”Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land…it’s a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern.”

3. After landing: “Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride.

4. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: “Whoa, big fella. WHOA!”

5. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: “Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted.”

6. From a Southwest Airlines employee…. “Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt and if you don’t know how to operate one, you probably shouldn’t be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more.

7. Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they’ll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you or your money, more than Southwest Airlines.”

8. “Your seat cushions can be used for flotation and in the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments.”

9. “As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses.”

10. “Last one off the plane must clean it.”

11. From the pilot during his welcome message: “We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry… Unfortunately none of them are on this flight…!

12. Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant came on the PA and announced, “Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts fastened while the Captain taxis what’s left of our airplane to the gate!”

13. Another flight Attendant’s comment on a less than perfect landing: “We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal.”

14. An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a “Thanks for flying XYZ airline.” He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally, everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said, “Sonny, mind if I as you a question?” “Why no, Ma’am,” said the pilot, “what is it?” The little old lady said, “Did we land or were we shot down?”

15. After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on with, “Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt up against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we’ll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.

16. Part of a Flight Attendant’s arrival announcement: “We’d like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you’ll think of us here at US Airways.”

We’ve all been interviewed for jobs. And, we’ve all spent most of those interviews thinking about what not to do. Don’t bite your nails. Don’t fidget. Don’t interrupt. Don’t belch.

If we did any of the don’ts, we knew we’d disqualify ourselves instantly. But some job applicants go light years beyond this. We surveyed top personnel executives of 100 major American corporations and asked for stories of unusual behavior by job applicants. The lowlights:

1. “… stretched out on the floor to fill out the job application.”

2. “She wore a Walkman and said she could listen to me and the music at the same time.”

3. ” A balding candidate abruptly excused himself. Returned to office a few minutes later, wearing a hairpiece.”

4. “… asked to see interviewer’s resume to see if the personnel executive was qualified to judge the candidate.”

5. “… announced she hadn’t had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger and french fries in the interviewer’s office – wiping the ketchup on her sleeve”

6. “Stated that, if he were hired, he would demonstrate his loyalty by having the corporate logo tattooed on his forearm.”

7. “Interrupted to phone his therapist for advice on answering specific interview questions.”

8. “When I asked him about his hobbies, he stood up and started tap dancing around my office.”

9 . “At the end of the interview, while I stood there dumbstruck, went through my purse, took out a brush, brushed his hair, and left.”

10. “… pulled out a Polaroid camera and snapped a flash picture of me. Said he collected photos of everyone who interviewed him.”

11. “Said he wasn’t interested because the position paid too much.”

12. “While I was on a long-distance phone call, the applicant took out a copy of Penthouse, and looked through the photos only, stopping longest at the centerfold.”

13. “During the interview, an alarm clock went off from the candidate’s brief case. He took it out, shut it off, apologized and said he had to leave for another interview.”

14. “A telephone call came in for the job applicant. It was from his wife. His side of the conversation went like this: “Which company? When do I start? What’s the salary?”

I said, “I assume you’re not interested in conducting the interview any further.” He promptly responded, “I am as long as you’ll pay me more.

15. “His attache [case] opened when he picked it up and the contents spilled, revealing ladies’ undergarments and assorted makeup and perfume.”

16. “Candidate said he really didn’t want to get a job, but the unemployment office needed proof that he was looking for one.”

17. “… asked who the lovely babe was, pointing to the picture on my desk. When I said it was my wife, he asked if she was home now and wanted my phone number. I called security.”

18. “Pointing to a black case he carried into my office, he said that if he was not hired, the bomb would go off. Disbelieving, I began to state why he would never be hired and that I was going to call the police. He then reached down to the case, flipped a switch and ran. No one was injured, but I did need to get a new desk.”

Mr. Perkins, the biology instructor at a posh suburban girl’s junior college, said during class, “Miss Smythe, would you please name the organ of the human body, which under the appropriate conditions, expands to six times its normal size, and define the conditions.”

Miss Smythe gasped, then said freezingly, “Mr. Perkins, I don’t think that is a proper question to ask me. I assure you my parents will hear of this!” With that she sat down red-faced.

Unperturbed, Mr. Perkins called on Miss Johnson and asked the same question.

Miss Johnson, with composure replied, “The pupil of the eye, in dim light.”

“Correct,” said Mr. Perkins.
“And now, Miss Smythe, I have three things to say to you:

“One, you have not studied your lesson.
Two, you have a dirty mind.
And three, you will some day be faced with a dreadful disappointment!”

A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.

After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.

Don’t be irreplaceable; if you can’t be replaced, you can’t be promoted.

Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.

If at first you don’t succeed, don’t try again: quit. No use being a complete fool about it.

If you can’t get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights.

It doesn’t matter what you do; it only matters what you say you’ve done and what you’re going to do.

The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.

There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office.

When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.

You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.

On an Electrician’s truck: “Let us remove your shorts.” Outside a Radiator Repair Shop: “Best place in town to take a leak.”

In a Non-smoking area: “If we see you smoking we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.”

On Maternity Room door: “Push, Push, Push.” On a Front Door: “Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian except the dog.”

At an Optometrist’s Office: “If you don’t see what you’re looking for, you’ve come to the right place.”

On a Scientist’s door: “Gone Fission” On a Taxidermist’s window: “We really know our stuff.” In a Podiatrist’s window: “Time wounds all heels.” On a Butcher’s window: “Let me meat your needs.” On another Butcher’s window: “Pleased to meat you.” At a Used Car Lot: “Second Hand cars in first crash condition.” On a fence: “Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive.”

At a Car Dealership: “The best way to get back on your feet – miss a car payment.” Outside a Muffler Shop: “No appointment necessary. We’ll hear you coming.”

Outside a Hotel: “Help! We need inn-experienced people.” At an Auto Body Shop: “May we have the next dents?” In a Dry Cleaner’s Emporium: “Drop your pants here.” On a desk in a Reception Room: “We shoot every 3rd salesman, and the 2nd one just left.” In a Veterinarian’s waiting room: “Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!” On a Music Teacher’s door: “Out Chopin.”

At the Electric Company: “We would be delighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don’t, you will be.”

In a Beauty Shop: “Dye now!”

On the side of a Garbage Truck: “We’ve got what it takes to take what you’ve got.” (Burglars please copy.)

On the door of a Computer Store: “Out for a quick byte.”

In a Restaurant window: “Don’t stand there and be hungry, come in and get fed up.”

Inside a Bowling Alley: “Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop.”

In a Cafeteria: “Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria. Socks can eat any place they want.”

On the door of a Music Library: “Bach in a minuet.” In the front yard of a Funeral Home: “Drive carefully, we’ll wait.” In a Counselor’s office: “Growing old is mandatory. Growing wise is optional.”