Encyclopedia of Humor

While the U.S. stock market was at an all time high, the ups and downs frightened a lot of small investors.

A guy went to his financial adviser at the bank and ask if he were worried.

He replied that he slept like a baby.

He was amazed and asked, “Really? Even with all the fluctuations?”

He said “Yes, that’s right. Just like a baby…I sleep for a couple of hours, then wake up and cry for a couple of hours!”

Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W.R. Grace Company merge to become -

Hale Mary Fuller Grace.

Polygram Records, Warner Brothers, and Keebler Crackers merge to become -

Polly-Warner-Cracker.

3M and Goodyear merge to become -

MMMGood.

John Deere and Abitibi-Price merge to become -

Deere Abi.

Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining merge to become -

Zip Audi Do Da.

Honeywell, Imasco, and Home Oil merge to become -

Honey I’m Home.

Denison Mines, and Alliance and Metal Mining merge to become -

Mine All Mine.

Federal Express and UPS merge to become -

FED UP.

Xerox and Wurlitzer will merge and begin manufacturing reproductive organs.

Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will merge and become – Fairwell Honeychild.

3M, J.C. Penney and the Canadian Opera Company will merge and become
-

3 Penney Opera.

Knott’s Berry Farm & National Organization of Women will merge and become

- Knott NOW!

A grizzled old man was eating in a truck stop when three Hell’s Angels bikers walked in.

The first walked up to the old man, pushed his cigarette into the old man’s pie and then took a seat at the counter.

The second walked up to the old man, spit into the old man’s milk and then he took a seat at the counter.

The third walked up to the old man, turned over the old man’s plate, and then he took a seat at the counter.

Without a muttering word of protest, the old man gets up from his seat and quietly leaves the diner.

Shortly thereafter, one of the bikers said to the waitress, “Humph, not much of a man, was he!”

And the waitress replied, “Not much of a truck driver either.
He just backed his truck over three motorcycles!”

A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his 5th grade class a lesson about the evils of alcohol, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey and two worms.
“Now, class. Observe closely the worms,” said the professor putting a worm first into the water. The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be.

The second worm, he put into the whiskey. It writhed painfully, and quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a doornail.

“Now, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?” the professor asked.

Little Johnny, who naturally sits in back, raised his hand and wisely, responded…
“Drink whiskey and you won’t get worms!”

The manager of a large office noticed a new man one day and told him to come into his office. “What is your name?” Was the first thing the manager asked the new guy.

“John,” the new guy replied.

The manager scowled, “Look, I don’t know what kind of a mamby-pamby place you worked at before, but I don’t call anyone by their first name! It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority.

I refer to my employees by their last name only — Smith, Jones, Baker — that’s all. I am to be referred to only as Mr. Robertson.

Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?” The new guy sighed and said, “Darling. My name is John Darling.”

“Okay, John, the next thing I want to tell you is…”