Encyclopedia of Humor

Two guys and a union worker were fishing on a lake one day, when Jesus walked across the water and joined them in the boat.

When the three astonished men had settled down enough to speak, the first guy asked humbly, “Jesus, I’ve suffered from back pain ever since I took shrapnel in the Vietnam war… could you help me?”

“Of course, my son”, Jesus said, and when he touched the man’s back, he felt relief for the first time in years.

The second man, who wore very thick glasses and had a hard time reading and driving, asked if Jesus could do anything about his eyesight.

Jesus smiled, removed the man’s glasses and tossed them in the lake. When they hit the water, the man’s eyes cleared and he could see everything distinctly.

When Jesus turned to the union worker, the guy put his hands up and cried defensively,
“Don’t touch me! I’m on long-term disability!”

Three guys were working on a high rise building project: Steve, Bill and Charlie. Steve falls off and is killed instantly.

As the ambulance takes the body away, Charlie says, “Someone should go and tell his wife.”

Bill says, “OK, I`m pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I`ll do it.” 2 hours later, he comes back carrying a 6-pack.

Charlie says, “Where did you get that, Bill?” “Steve`s wife gave it to me.”

“That`s unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you the beer?”

Bill says,”Well not exactly. When she answered the door, I said to her, `You must be Steve`s widow.`”

She said, “`No, I`m not a widow.”

And I said, “Wanna bet me a six-pack?”

Some quick thinking to get out of the “caught napping jam!”…

They told me at the blood bank that this might happen.

Whew! I must have left the top off the whiteout again!

I wasn�t sleeping! I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance.

This is in exchange for the six hours last night when I dreamed about work!

I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work related stress. Do you discriminate against people who practice Yoga?

Damn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem!

I wasn�t sleeping. I was trying to pick up my contact lens without using my hands.

The mail courier flipped out and pulled a gun so I was playing dead to avoid getting shot!

The real interpretation of corportate titles:

CHAIRMAN OF THE BOARD: Leaps tall building in a single bound Is more powerful than a locomotive Is faster than a speeding bullet Walks on water Discusses policy with God

PRESIDENT: Leaps short buildings in a single bound Is more powerful than a switch engine Is just as fast as a speeding bullet Walks on water if the sea is calm Talks with God

EXECUTIVE VICE PRESIDENT: Leaps short buildings with a running start and favorable winds. Is almost as powerful as a switch engine Is faster than a speeding BB. Walks on water in an indoor swimming pool Talks with God if special request is approved

VICE PRESIDENT: Barely clears a Quonset hut Loses tug-of-war with a locomotive Can fire a speeding bullet Swims well Is occasionally addressed by God

GENERAL MANAGER: Makes high marks on the wall when trying to leap buildings Is run over by locomotive Can sometimes handle a gun without inflicting self-injury Dog paddles Talks to animals

MANAGER: Runs into buildings Recognizes locomotive two out of three times Is not issued ammunition Can’t stay afloat with a life preserver Talks to walls

TRAINEE: Falls over doorsteps when trying to enter building Says “look at the choo-choo” Wets him/herself with a water pistol Plays in mud puddles Mumbles to him/herself

***************************************************** SECRETARY: Lifts buildings and walks under them Kicks locomotives off the tracks Catches speeding bullets in his/her teeth Freezes water with a single glance To all of the above…is God! *****************************************************

You think people should be required to get a government permit before being allowed to reproduce.

You want to slap the next person who says, “Must be nice to have all your holidays and summers free.”

You believe “shallow gene pool” should have it’s own box on the report card.

You believe the staff room should have a Valium salt lick.

When out in public, you feel the urge to talk to strange children and correct their behavior.

When you mention “vegetables” and you’re not talking about a food group.

You believe in aerial spraying of Prozac.

You wonder how some parents even managed to reproduce.

You can’t have children of your own, because there is no name you could give a child that wouldn’t bring on high blood pressure the moment you heard it.

You really encourage an obnoxious parent to check into home schooling.