Encyclopedia of Humor

Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question, “Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?”

“None,” replied Johnny, “cause the rest would fly away.”

“Well, the answer is four,” said the teacher, “but I like the way you’re thinking.”

Little Johnny says, “I have a question for you. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking her cone, the second was biting her cone and the third was sucking her cone, which one is married?”

“Well,” said the teacher nervously, “I guess the one sucking the cone.”

“No,” said Little Johnny, “the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you’re thinking.”

1. Leave the copy machine set to 99 copies, reduce 200%, extra dark, 17-inch paper.
2. In the memo field of all your checks write “for sensual massage.”
3. Specify that your drive-through order is “to go.”
4. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions “to keep them tuned up.”
5. Reply to everything someone says with “that’s what YOU think.”
6. Finish all your sentences with the words “in accordance with prophecy.”
7. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.
8. Staple papers in the middle of the page.
9. Ask people what gender they are.
10. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.

You know you’re out of college when…

1. Your salary is less than your tuition.
2. Your potted plants stay alive.
3. Shacking in a twin-sized bed seems absurd.
4. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
5. You have to pay your own credit card bill.
6. Mac & Cheese no longer counts as a well-balanced meal.
7. You haven’t seen a soap opera in over a year.
8. 8:00 am is not early.
9. You have to file your own taxes.
10. You hear your favorite song on the elevator at work.
11. You’re not carded anymore.
12. You carry an umbrella.
13. You learn that bachelor is a nice term for “jackass”.
14. “Extended childhood” only really pertains to your salary which is a little less than your allowance used to be. 15 . “Twenty-something” means over-qualified, under-paid and not married.
16. Your friends marry instead of hook-up and divorce instead of break-up.
17. You start watching the weather channel.
18. Jeans, flannels and baseball caps aren’t staples in your wardrobe.
19. You can no longer take shots, and smoking gives you a sinus attack.
20. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 7.
21. You stop confusing 401k plan with 10K run.
22. You go to parties that police don’t raid.
23. Adults feel comfortable telling jokes about sex in front of you…and they’re no longer “adults” – they are your peers.
24. You don’t know what time Wendy’s closes anymore.
25. Your car insurance goes down.
26. You refer to college students as kids.
27. You drink wine, scotch and martinis instead of beer, bourbon and rum.
28. Your parents start making casual remarks about grandchildren.
29. You feed your dog science diet instead of taco bell.
30. Your idea of a rocking Friday night is scoring one of the new releases at Blockbuster.
31. Half your conversations with current college students start with, “When I was in college…”

TEACHER: Jack, how old are you on your last birthday?
JACK: 7 years old
TEACHER: How old are you going to be on your next birthday?
JACK: 9 years old
TEACHER: That’s impossible!
JACK: No it’s not. I’m 8 today.

TEACHER: Mike, go to the map and show me where America is.
MIKE: Here it is !
TEACHER: Good. Now class, who discovered America?
CLASS: Mike !!!

TEACHER: Didn’t you promise to behave?
STUDENT: Yes sir.
TEACHER: And didn’t I promise to punish you when you misbehave?
STUDENT: Yes sir. But since I didn’t keep my promise, you don’t need to keep yours.

COOL STUDENT: Teacher would you punish me for something I didn’t do?
TEACHER: No.
COOL STUDENT: Good ‘cos I didn’t do my homework.

TEACHER: Alfred, name one important thing that we have today and we don’t 10 years ago.
ALFRED: Me !!!

TEACHER: Are you chewing gum?
BILLY: No. I’m Billy Anderson.

TEACHER: In this box I have a 10-foot snake.
STUDENT: You can’t fool me teacher ! Snakes don’t have feet !!!

HYGIENE TEACHER: How do you prevent deseases from biting insects?
WILLY: Don’t bite any.

TEACHER: Ellen, give me a sentence using the word ‘I’
ELLEN: I is….
TEACHER: No Ellen always use “I am”.
ELLEN: Oh, alright. “I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.”

Dave was a bit of a nut who enjoyed making obscene phone calls.

His biggest pleasure is making such calls to kindergarten teachers.

He’ll find a lonely telephone booth, dial the number of a teacher, and exclaim -

“Is this Mrs. Jones, the kindergarten teacher at P.S. 41?”
When the teacher answers yes, Dave goes into his act…
“Wee-ee, poo-poo ca-ca!”