Encyclopedia of Humor

How to Argue and Win Every Time

I argue very well. Ask any of my remaining friends. I can win an
argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don’t even invite me. You too can win arguments. Simply follow these rules:

*Drink liquor.

Suppose you are at a party and some hotshot intellectual is expounding on the economy of Peru, a subject you know nothing about. If you’re drinking some health-fanatic drink like grapefruit juice, you’ll hang back, afraid to display your ignorance, while the hotshot enthralls your date. But if you drink several large martinis, you’ll discover you have STRONG VIEWS about the Peruvian economy. You’ll be a WEALTH of information. You’ll argue forcefully, offering searing insights and possibly upsetting furniture. People will be impressed. Some may leave the room.

*Make things up.

Suppose, in the Peruvian economy argument, you are trying to prove that Peruvians are underpaid, a position you base solely on the fact that YOU are underpaid, and you’ll be damned if you’re going to let a bunch of Peruvians be better off. DON’T say: “I think Peruvians are underpaid.” Say instead: “The average Peruvian’s salary in 1981 dollars adjusted for the revised tax base is $1,452.81 per annum, which is $836.07 before the mean gross poverty level.”

NOTE: Always make up exact figures.

If an opponent asks you where you got your information, make THAT up too. Say: “This information comes from Dr. Hovel T. Moon’s study for the Buford Commission published on May 9, 1982. Didn’t you read it?” Say this in the same tone of voice you would use to say, “You left your soiled underwear in my bathroom.”

*Use meaningless but weighty-sounding words and phrases.

Memorize this list:

Let me put it this way
In terms of
Vis-a-vis
Per se
As it were
Qua
So to speak

You should also memorize some Latin abbreviations such as “Q.E.D.”, “e.g.”, and “i.e.” These are all short for “I speak Latin, and you don’t.”

Here’s how to use these words and phrases. Suppose you want to say, “Peruvians would like to order appetizers more often, but they don’t have enough money.”

You never win arguments talking like that. But you WILL win if you say, “Let me put it this way. In terms of appetizers vis-a-vis Peruvians qua Peruvians, they would like to order them more often, so to speak, but they do not have enough money per se, as it were. Q.E.D.”

Only a fool would challenge that statement.

*Use snappy and irrelevant comebacks.

You need an arsenal of all-purpose irrelevant phrases to fire back at your opponents when they make valid points. The best are:

You’re begging the question.
You’re being defensive.
Don’t compare apples to oranges.
What are your parameters?

This last one is especially valuable. Nobody (other than engineers and policy wonks) has the vaguest idea what “parameters” means.

Here’s how to use your comebacks:

You say: As Abraham Lincoln said in 1873…
Your opponent says: Lincoln died in 1865.
You say: You’re begging the question.
You say: Liberians, like most Asians…
Your opponent says: Liberia is in Africa.
You say: You’re being defensive.

*Compare your opponent to Adolf Hitler.

This is your heavy artillery, for when your opponent is obviously right and you are spectacularly wrong. Bring Hitler up subtly. Say, “That sounds suspiciously like something Adolf Hitler might say,” or “You certainly do remind me of Adolf Hitler.”

So that’s it. You now know how to out-argue anybody. Do not try to pull any of this on people who generally carry weapons.

Top 20 Sayings We’d Like To See On Those Office Inspirational Posters:

1. Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings, they did it by killing all those who opposed them.

2. If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos…then you probably haven’t completely understood the seriousness of the situation.

3. Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security.

4. Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

5. Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity.

6. A person who smiles in the face of adversity probably has a scapegoat.

7. Plagiarism saves time.

8. If at first you don’t succeed, try management.

9. Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.

10. TEAMWORK…means never having to take all the blame yourself.

11. The beatings will continue until morale improves.

12. Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.

13. We waste time so you don’t have to.

14. Hang in there, retirement is only thirty years away!

15. Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.

16. A snooze button is a poor substitute for no alarm clock at all.

17. When the going gets tough, the tough take a coffee break.

18. INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY.

19. Succeed in spite of management.

20. Aim Low, Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment.

One day Ms. Nelson, a kindergarden teacher, was giving a lesson on imagination. What she would do was hold an item behind her back, give a few descriptions of the item, and ask the kids to guess what it was.

First she said to the children “I have something long and yellow behind my back.” The kids suggested a pencil. Ms. Nelson said “no, i’m holding a bannana, but I like you all’s imagination.

Next she said” I have something round and red”. Little Johnny stood up and guessed it was a ball. Ms. Nelson told Johnny it was an apple but she liked Johnny’s imagination.

Johnny had an idea. He told his teacher, “I have something in my pocket that’s warm and it has a head on it. Well Ms. Nelson got really upset and told Johnny he was to go to the principal’s office for being soo dirty minded.

Little Johnny then said,” No, Ms. Nelson, it’s a quarter, but I LIKE YOU’RE IMAGINATION!!!

One day the teacher walks into her classroom and announces to the class that on each Friday she will ask a question to the class and anyone who answers correctly doesn’t have to go to school the following Monday.

On the first Friday the teacher asks: “How many grains of sand are on the beach?” needless to say, no one could answer.

The following Friday, the teacher asks the class: “How many stars are in the sky?” and again no one could answer. Frustrated little Johnny decides that the next Friday he would somehow answer the question and get a 3 day weekend.

So Thursday night Johnny takes 2 ping pong balls and paints them black. The next day he brings them to school in a paper bag. At the end of the day just when the teacher says, “here’s this week’s question,” Johnny empties the bag to the floor sending the ping pong balls rolling to the front of the room. Because they are young kids who find any disruption of class amusing, the entire class starts laughing.

The teacher says, “ok, who’s the comedian with the black balls?”

Immediately, little Johnny stands up and says, “Bill Cosby, see ya on Tuesday!”

One day the teacher walks into her classroom and announces to the class that on each Friday she will ask a question to the class and anyone who answers correctly doesn’t have to go to school the following Monday.

On the first Friday the teacher asks: “How many grains of sand are on the beach?” needless to say, no one could answer.

The following Friday, the teacher asks the class: “How many stars are in the sky?” and again no one could answer. Frustrated little Johnny decides that the next Friday he would somehow answer the question and get a 3 day weekend.

So Thursday night Johnny takes 2 ping pong balls and paints them black. The next day he brings them to school in a paper bag. At the end of the day just when the teacher says, “here’s this week’s question,” Johnny empties the bag to the floor sending the ping pong balls rolling to the front of the room. Because they are young kids who find any disruption of class amusing, the entire class starts laughing.

The teacher says, “ok, who’s the comedian with the black balls?”

Immediately, little Johnny stands up and says, “Bill Cosby, see ya on Tuesday!”