Encyclopedia of Humor

Sign on a brake repair shop in Joliet, Illinois, “We stand in front of our work.”

Sign on a muffler shop in Santa Cruz, “We’re the Nobody that Midas brags about.”

You Might Be A College Student:

If you average 3 hours of sleep a night
If your trash is overflowing and your bank account isn’t
If you go to Wal-Mart more than 3 times a week
If you are personally keeping the local pizza place from bankruptcy
If you wake up 10 minutes before class
If you wear the same jeans 13 days in a row — without washing them
If your breakfast consists of a coke on the way to class
If your social life consists of a date with the library
If it takes a shovel to find the floor of your room
If you carry less than a dollar on your person
If you haven’t done laundry in so long you are wearing your swim suit to class
If you celebrate when you find a quarter
If your room is so cold that your toilet freezes over
If you wear a sweat suit for so long that it stands up by itself
If your backpack is giving you Scoliosis
If you get more sleep in class than in your room
If your idea of feeding the poor is buying yourself some Ramen Noodles
If you can sleep through your roommate’s blaring stereo
If you live in an area that is smaller than most mobile homes
If you get more e-mail than mail……

THEN YOU MIGHT BE A COLLEGE STUDENT!!!

There are two major products to come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX

This is not believed to be a coincidence.

A fellow is going on tour of a factory that produces various latex products.

At the first stop, he’s shown the machine that manufactures baby-bottle nipples. The machine makes a loud Hiss-Pop! noise.

“The hiss is the rubber being injected into the mold,” explains the guide.
“The popping sound is a needle poking a hole in the end of the nipple.”

Later, the tour reaches the part of the factory where condoms are manufactured. The machine makes a noise: Hiss, Hiss, Hiss, Hiss-Pop!

“Wait a minute!” says the man taking the tour. “I understand what the hiss, hiss is, but what’s that pop every so often?”

“Oh, it’s just the same as in the baby-bottle nipple machine,” says the guide. “It pokes a hole in every fourth condom.”

“Well, that can’t be good for the condom!” the man states.

“Yeah, but it’s great for the baby-bottle nipple business!”

Chocolate Chip Cookies:

Ingredients:

1.) 532.35 cm3 gluten
2.) 4.9 cm3 NaHCO3
3.) 4.9 cm3 refined halite
4.) 236.6 cm3 partially hydrogenated tallow triglyceride
5.) 177.45 cm3 crystalline C12H22O11
6.) 177.45 cm3 unrefined C12H22O11
7.) 4.9 cm3 methyl ether of protocatechuic aldehyde
8.) Two calcium carbonate-encapsulated avian albumen-coated protein
9.) 473.2 cm3 theobroma cacao
10.) 236.6 cm3 de-encapsulated legume meats (sieve size #10)

To a 2-L jacketed round reactor vessel (reactor #1) with an overall heat transfer coefficient of about 100 Btu/F-ft2-hr, add ingredients one, two and three with constant agitation. In a second 2-L reactor vessel with a radial flow impeller operating at 100 rpm, add ingredients four, five, six, and seven until the mixture is homogenous.

To reactor #2, add ingredient eight, followed by three equal volumes of the homogenous mixture in reactor #1. Additionally, add ingredient nine and ten slowly, with constant agitation. Care must be taken at this point in the reaction to control any temperature rise that may be the result of an exothermic reaction.

Using a screw extrude attached to a #4 nodulizer, place the mixture piece-meal on a 316SS sheet (300 x 600 mm). Heat in a 460K oven for a period of time that is in agreement with Frank & Johnston’s first order rate expression (see JACOS, 21, 55), or until golden brown. Once the reaction is complete, place the sheet on a 25C heat-transfer table, allowing the product to come to equilibrium.