Encyclopedia of Humor

15 Pet Peeves Of Morticians…

Best make-up artist in the world, but your models never make the cover of Cosmo.

No moth, no Jodie Foster — just leaves, dirt, and regular dead folks.

Only 3 hits this month on the “World O’ Coffins” web site.

Tough to convince anyone to let you place bodies in action poses.

Ask any chem prof what happens when you mix embalming fluid and breast implants… WHAMMO!

Working alone late at night inevitably results in an extreme attack of “the willies.”

Hard to close the lid on Eroto-Asphyxiation victims.

Embalming fluid bottle looks an *awful* lot like Colt 45 bottle.

Toe tag paper cuts.

The wife keeps asking if you could bring a little more rigor mortis home, if you know what I mean.

Nobody visits your booth at junior high “Career Days.”

Every time Keith Richards gets mistakenly hauled in, it costs *us* money.

At Thanksgiving, no one even TOUCHES your giblet gravy.

Constant complaints of, “But he looks like Michael Jackson!”

and the Number 1 Pet Peeve Of Morticians…

Dying in each other’s arms may sound romantic, but once rigor mortis sets in, it just means overtime

The president of ABC decided that it was time to build a new factory. He asked representatives from three development companies to come in and make a bid on the project. The three companies showed up at the scheduled meeting. The president of ABC asked the first company, Bruin Construction, who’s president earned his MBA from UCLA, ” How much will your company charge for this project?” “2 million,” said Bruin. “1 million for materials and 1 million for labor.”

Then president then asks the same question to the second company, Cardinal Construction, whose president earned his MBA from Stanford. Cardinal answered, “3 million, 1.5 million for materials, 1.3 million for labor, and 0.2 million for licenses and permits.”

Finally, the president asks the last company , Trojan Construction, whose president earned his MBA from USC. Trojan answered, ” 4 million.”

“FOUR MILLION,” yelled the president of ABC. “How do you breakdown the cost?”

Trojan replied, “1 million for you, 1 million for me, and 2 million to get the guy from UCLA to build the factory!

Five Maxims of Making Excuses

1) The feebleness or banality of an excuse should never be a deterrent to its use.

2) Always put the blame on something that can’t defend itself. Children, pets, inanimate objects, and relatives living in foreign countries make perfect scapegoats.

3) Whine convincingly. 4) Certain ailments work better than others as excuses. No doctor or machine in the world can prove that you don’t have that headache.

5) Try to remember that nature allotted each of us only two grandmothers to attend funerals for.

And now, some excuses: – I was going to mail it for your birthday, but then I couldn’t find it, and by the time I found it, it was too late and I was embarrassed to send it to you.

- The baby threw up all over my dress, and we had to go home first to change. – I’m taking care of a sick aunt…no, this is a different one. – The car ran out of gas. – Well, you never told me I couldn’t do that. – He started it. – I have jet lag. – I’d really like to, but my gerbils are having babies tonight. – I swallowed my gold crown this morning, and I have to wait here until it comes out the other end. – I missed the bus. – The alarm didn’t go off. – I couldn’t find a parking space. – The Devil made me do it. – Drugs made me do it. – Everybody else does it. – That’s not my department. – Our computer’s down. – We must have misplaced your original request. – It’s on someone elses desk. – Don’t ask me – I just work here.

The huge Air Canada Jumbo jet is just coming into Pearson Airport (Toronto) on its final approach. The pilot comes on over the intercom. “This is Capt. Johnson, we’re on our final descent into Toronto. I want to thank you for flying with us today and enjoy your stay in Toronto”.

Well the Capt. forgets to switch off the intercom. The whole plane can now hear the conversation from the cockpit.

The co-pilot says to the pilot “Well skipper, wotcha gonna do in Toronto?”

Now all ears in the plan are listening in to this conversation.

“Well”, says the skipper, “First I’m gonna check into the hotel and go for a mega-huge dump. Then I’m gonna take that new stewardess out for supper, you know, the one with the huge tits. I’m gonna wine and dine her, take her back to my room and slip the old salami to her all night”.

Well, everyone in the planes trying to get a look at the new stewardess. She’s so embarrassed she runs from the back of the plane to try and get to the cockpit to get the intercom off. Half way down, she trips over an old ladies handbag – ***splat *** and down she goes.

The old lady leans over and says, “No need to run dearie, he’s got to go for a shit first!”

OPERATIONAL EXCELLENCE?

Once upon a time, an American company and a Japanese company decided to have competitive boat race on the Bear River. Both teams practiced hard and long to reach their peak performance. On the big day, they both felt as ready as they could be.

The Japanese won by a mile! Afterwards the American Team became very discouraged by the losses and morale began to sag. Corporate management decided that the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found. A The “Continuous Improvement Team” was established to investigate the problem and to recommend appropriate corrective action.

THEIR CONCLUSION: The problem was that the Japanese Team had eight people rowing and one person steering, whereby the American Team had one person rowing and eight people steering.

The American Corporate Steering Committee immediately hired a consulting firm to do a study on the management structure. After some time and millions of dollars, the consulting firm concluded that too many people were steering and not were rowing.

To prevent losing to the Japanese again, the American Team’s management structure was totally reorganized to three Steering Director, three Steering Managers, and two Steering Supervisors. Also a new performance system for the person rowing the boat was developed to give more incentive to work harder.

“We must give him empowerment and enrichment. That ought to do it.”

The next year the Japanese won by two miles.

Humiliated, the American corporation laid off the rower to “cut costs, sold all of the paddles, canceled all capital investments for new equipment, halted development of a new canoe, gave a “Superior Performance” award to the consulting firm, and distributed the money saved as bonuses to the senior executives.