Encyclopedia of Humor

A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up.

As the needle jumped up to 80 mph he suddenly saw a flashing red and blue light behind him.

“There’s no way they can catch a Mercedes,” he thought to himself and opened her up further. His needle hit 90, 100, 110. Then the reality of the situation hit him.

“What the heck am I doing?” he thought and pulled over.

The cop came up to him, took his license without a word, and examined it and the car. Finally he came to the window looking steadily at the driver and said, “I’ve had a tough shift and this is my last pull over. I don’t feel like more paperwork so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven’t heard before, you can go!”

The driver blinked only once while his brain scrambled for a reply. “Last week my wife ran off with a cop,” he said, “and I was afraid you were trying to give her back!”

“Off you go,” said the officer.

Neighbor 1: “Hi, there, new neighbor, it sure is a mighty nice day to be moving.” New Neighbor: “Yes, it is and people around here seem extremely friendly.”

Neighbor 1: “So, what is it you do for a living?” New Neighbor: “I am a professor at the University, I teach deductive reasoning.”

Neighbor 1: “Deductive reasoning, what’s that?” New Neighbor: “Let me give you an example. I see you have a dog house out back. By that I deduce that you have a dog.” Neighbor 1: “That’s right.”

New Neighbor: “The fact that you have a dog, leads me to deduce that you have a family.” Neighbor 1: “Right again.”

New Neighbor: “Since you have a famly, I deduce that you have a wife.” Neighbor 1: “Correct.”

New Neighbor: “And since you have a wife, I can deduce that you are heterosexual.” Neighbor 1: “Yup.” New Neighbor: “That is deductive reasoning.” Neighbor 1: “Cool.”

Later that same day: Neighbor 1: “Hey, I was talking to that new guy who moved in next door.” Neighbor 2: “Is he a nice guy?” Neighbor 1: “Yes, and he has an interesting job.” Neighbor 2: “Oh, yeah, what does he do?” Neighbor 1: “He is a professor of deductive reasoning at the University.” Neighbor 2: “Deductive reasoning, what is that?” Neighbor 1: “Let me give you an example. Do you have a dog house?” Neighbor 2: “No.” Neighbor 1: “Fag!”

REASONS FOR LEAVING THE LAST JOB: –Responsibility makes me nervous. –They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 every morning. Couldn’t work under those conditions.

REASONS FOR LEAVING MY LAST JOB: –Was met with a string of broken promises and lies, as well as cockroaches. –I was working for my mom until she decided to move. –The company made me a scapegoat – just like my three previous employers.

JOB RESPONSIBILITIES: –While I am open to the initial nature of an assignment, I am decidedly disposed that it be so oriented as to at least partially incorporate the experience enjoyed heretofore and that it be configured so as to ultimately lead to the application of more rarefied facets of financial management as the major sphere of responsibility. –I was proud to win the Gregg Typting Award.

SPECIAL REQUESTS & JOB OBJECTIVES: –Please call me after 5:30 because I am self-employed and my employer does not know I am looking for another job. –My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I have no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage. –I procrastinate – especially when the task is unpleasant.

PHYSICAL DISABILITIES: –Minor allergies to house cats and Mongolian sheep.

PERSONAL INTERESTS: –Donating blood. 14 gallons so far.

SMALL TYPOS THAT CAN CHANGE THE MEANING: –Education: College, August 1880-May
1984. –Work Experience: Dealing with customers’ conflicts that arouse. –Develop and recommend an annual operating expense fudget. –I’m a rabid typist. –Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain operation.

Phrases Useful in the Workplace

1. Thank you – we’re all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
2. The fact that no one understands you doesn’t mean you’re an artist.
3. I don’t know what your problem is, but I’ll bet it’s hard to pronounce.
4. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
5. I have plenty of talent and vision; I just don’t care.
6. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and inexperienced.
7. What am I – flypaper for freaks!?
8. I’m not being rude. I’m just ignoring you.
9. I’m already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
10. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
11. It’s a thankless job, but I’ve got a lot of calories to burn off.
12. Yes, he is an agent of Satan, but his duties are largely ceremonial.
13. No, my powers can only be used for good.
14. How about never? Is never good for you?
15. I’m really easy to get along with once you people realize I’m right.
16. Your idea seems reasonable… Time to up my medication.
17. I’ll try being nicer if you’ll try being smarter.
18. I’m out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message…
19. I don’t work here. I’m a consultant.
20. Who me? I just wander from room to room.
21. My toys! My toys! I can’t do this job without my toys!
22. It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m really quite busy.
23. At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits.
24. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
25. I see you’ve set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

Procrastinator\’s Creed

1. I believe that if anything is worth doing, it would have been done already.

2. I shall never move quickly, except to avoid more work or find excuses.

3. I will never rush into a job without a lifetime of consideration.

4. I shall meet all of my deadlines directly in proportion to the amount of bodily injury I could expect to receive from missing them.

5. I firmly believe that tomorrow holds the possibility for new technologies, astounding discoveries, and a reprieve from my obligations.

6. I truly believe that all deadlines are unreasonable regardless of the amount of time given.

7. I shall never forget that the probability of a miracle, though infinitesimally small, is not exactly zero.

8. If at first I don’t succeed, there is always next year.

9. I shall always decide not to decide, unless of course I decide to change my mind.

10. I shall always begin, start, initiate, take the first step, and/or write the first word, when I get around to it.

11. I obey the law of inverse excuses which demands that the greater the task to be done, the more insignificant the work that must be done prior to beginning the greater task.

12. I know that the work cycle is not plan/start/finish, but is wait/plan/plan.

13. I will never put off until tomorrow, what I can forget about forever.

14. I will become a member of the ancient Order of Two-Headed Turtles (the Procrastinator’s Society) if they ever get it organized.