Encyclopedia of Humor

“ENTRY-LEVEL POSITION”:
You’ll be making under $6 an hour.
- – - – -
“ENTRY-LEVEL POSITION IN AN UP-AND-COMING COMPANY”:
You’re paid under $6 an hour; we’ll be bankrupt in a year.
- – - – -
“AN UP-AND-COMING SOFTWARE COMPANY”:
There’s no chance in hell we’ll be the next Microsoft.
- – - – -
“PROFIT-SHARING PLAN”:
Once it’s shared among the brass, you get what’s left.
- – - – -
“COMPETITIVE SALARY:”
We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.
- – - – -
“JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY:”
We have no time to train you. (and/or)
Please introduce yourself to your co-workers.
- – - – -
“NATIONALLY RECOGNIZED LEADER:”
Inc. Magazine mentioned us in an article a few years ago.
- – - – -
“IMMEDIATE OPENING:”
The person who had this job gave notice a month ago.
We’re just now running the ad.
- – - – -
“SALES POSITION REQUIRING MOTIVATED SELF-STARTER:”
We’re can’t supply you with leads; (and/or)
there’s no base salary to speak of; (and/or)
you’ll wait 30 days for your first commission check.
- – - – -
“SELF-MOTIVATED:”
Don’t expect Management to answer questions
- – - – -
“WE OFFER GREAT BENEFITS:”
After 90 days, you can join our HMO, which has a $500 deductible and a $35 co-pay.

THESE ARE ACTUAL EXCERPTS FROM STUDENT SCIENCE EXAM PAPERS:

Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the organ of the species.

Benjamin Franklin produced electricity by rubbing cats backwards.

The theory of evolution was greatly objected to because it made man think.

Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillars.

The dodo is a bird that is almost decent by now.

To remove air from a flask, fill it with water, tip the water out, and put the cork in quick before the air can get back in.

The process of turning steam back into water again is called conversation.

A magnet is something you find crawling all over a dead cat.

The Earth makes one resolution every 24 hours.

The cuckoo bird does not lay his own eggs.

To prevent conception when having intercourse, the male wears a condominium.

To collect fumes of sulfur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube.

Parallel lines never meet, unless you bend one or both of them.

Algebraical symbols are used when you do not know what you are talking about.

Geometry teaches us to bisex angles.

A circle is a line which meets its other end without ending.

The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.

The moon is a planet just like the Earth, only it is even deader.

Artificial insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull.

An example of animal breeding is the farmer who mated a bull that gave a great deal of milk with a bull with good meat.

We believe that the reptiles came from the amphibians by spontaneous generation and study of rocks.

English sparrows and starlings eat the farmers grain and soil his corpse.

By self-pollination, the farmer may get a flock of long haired sheep.

If conditions are not favorable, bacteria go into a period of adolescence.

Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire.

Vegetative propagation is the process by which one individual Manufactures another individual by accident.

A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold.

A triangle which has an angle of 135 degrees is called an obscene triangle.

Blood flows down one leg and up the other.

A person should take a bath once in the summer, and not quite so often in the winter.

The hookworm larvae enters the human body through the soul.

When you haven’t got enough iodine in your blood you get a glacier.

It is a well-known fact that a deceased body harms the mind.

Humans are more intelligent than beasts because the human branes have more convulsions.

For fainting: rub the person’s chest, or if a lady, rub her arm above the hand instead.

For fractures: to see if the limb is broken, wiggle it gently back and forth.

For dog bite: put the dog away for several days. If he has not recovered, then kill it.

For nosebleed: put the nose much lower than the body.

For drowning: climb on top of the person and move up and down to make artificial perspiration.

To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose.

For head colds: use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in your throat.

For snakebites: bleed the wound and rape the victim in a blanket for shock.

For asphyxiation: apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead.

Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative.

Bar magnets have north and south poles, horseshoe magnets have east and west poles.

When water freezes you can walk on it. That is what Christ did long ago in wintertime.

When you smell an odorless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide.

Question: What is one horsepower?
Answer: One horsepower is the amount of energy it takes to drag a horse 500 feet in one second.

You can listen to thunder after lightning and tell how close you came to getting hit. If you don’t hear it you got hit, so never mind.

Talc is found in rocks and on babies.

The law of gravity says no fair jumping up without coming back down.

When passing through Missouri, a typhoon is really not a hurricane but a tornado.

Scientists have found that when a toadstool is not a mushroom it is poison.

When they broke open molecules they found they were only stuffed with atoms.

But when they broke open atoms, they found them stuffed with explosions. Clouds are high flying fogs.

When people run around and around in circles we say they are crazy.
When planets do it we say they are orbiting.

Rainbows are just to look at, not to really understand.

While the Earth seems to be knowingly keep its distance from the sun, it is really only centrificating.

Some day we may discover how to make magnets that can point in any direction.

South America has cold summers and hot winters, but somehow they still manage.

Most books now say our sun is a star. But it still knows how to change back into a sun in the daytime.

One hundred humidities equal 1 rain.

Question: In a free fall, how long would it take to reach the ground from a height of 1,000 feet?
Answer: I have never performed this experiment.

Water freezes at 32 degrees and boils at 212 degrees. There are 180 degrees between freezing and boiling because there are 180 degrees between north and south.

A vibration is a motion that cannot make up its mind which way it wants to go.

Hard mud is called shale. Soft mud is called gooey.

There are 26 vitamins in all, but some of the letters are yet to be discovered. Find them all means living forever.

There is a termendious (no spelling mistake) weight pressing down on the center of the Earth because of so much population stomping around here these days.

Lime is a green tasting rock.

Many dead animals of the past changed to fossils while others preferred to be oil. A fossil is a dead bone.

Genetics explains why you look like your father and if you don’t why you should.

When there is a fog, you might as well not mind looking at it.

When a wave rolls over itself it is called a breaker. Of just about anything I guess.

Humidity is the experience of looking for air and finding water. We keep track of humidity in the air so we won’t drown when we breathe.

In making rain water, it takes everything from H to O.

When rain water strikes forest fires, it beckstingwishes them. Luckily it effects we of the humans unlike that.

Rain is often spoken of as soft water, oppositely known as hail.

Rain is saved up in cloud banks.

In some rocks you can find the fossil footprints of fishes.

EXAMPLES OF UNCLEAR WRITING, SENTENCES TAKEN FROM ACTUAL LETTERS RECEIVED BY A LOCAL WELFARE DEPARTMENT TO APPLICATIONS FOR SUPPORT

I am forwarding my marriage certificate and six children. I have seven, but one which was baptized on a half sheet of paper.

I am writing the Welfare Department to say that my baby was born two years old. When do I get my money?

Mrs. Jones has not had any clothes for a year and has been visited by the clergy regularly.

I cannot get sick pay. I have six children. Can you tell me why?

I am glad to report that my husband who was missing is dead.

This is my ninth child. What are you going to do about it?

Please find for certain if my husband is dead. The man I am now living with can’t eat or do ,anything, until he knows for sure.

I am very annoyed to find you have branded my son illiterate. This is as dirty lie, as I was married a week before he was born.

In answer to your letter, I have given birth to a boy weighing ten pounds. I hope this is satisfactory.

I am forwarding my marriage certificate and three children, one of which is a mistake as you can see.

My husband got his project cut off two weeks ago and I haven’t had any relief since. What are you going to do about it?

Unless I get my husband’s money pretty soon I will be forced to lead an immortal life.

You have changed my little boy to a little girl. Will this make any difference.

I have no children yet as my husband is a truck driver and works day and night.

In accordance with your instructions, I have given birth to twins in the enclosed envelope.

I want my money as quick as I can get it. I’ve been in bed with the doctor for two weeks and he doesn’t do me any good. If things do not improve, I will have to send for another doctor.

The story behind this joke:… There’s this nutball who digs things out his back yard and sends the stuff he finds to the Smithsonian Institute, labeling them with scientific names, insisting that they are actual archeological finds. The really weird thing about these letters is that this guy really exists and does this in his spare time!

Paleoanthropology Division Smithsonian Institute 207 Pennsylvania Avenue Washington, DC 20078

Dear Sir:

Thank you for your latest submission to the Institute, labeled “211-D, layer seven, next to the clothesline post. Hominid skull.”

We have given this specimen a careful and detailed examination, and regret to inform you that we disagree with your theory that it represents “conclusive proof of the presence of Early Man in Charleston County two million years ago. “Rather, it appears that what you have found is the head of a Barbie doll, of the variety one of our staff, who has small children, believes to be the “Malibu Barbie”.

It is evident that you have given a great deal of thought to the analysis of this specimen, and you may be quite certain that those of us who are familiar with your prior work in the field were loathe to come to contradiction with your findings. However, we do feel that there are a number of physical attributes of the specimen which might have tipped you off to it’s modern origin:

1. The material is molded plastic. Ancient hominid remains are typically fossilized bone.

2. The cranial capacity of the specimen is approximately 9 cubic centimeters, well below the threshold of even the earliest identified proto-hominids.

3. The dentition pattern evident on the “skull” is more consistent with the common domesticated dog than it is with the “ravenous man-eating Pliocene clams” you speculate roamed the wetlands during that time. This latter finding is certainly one of the most intriguing hypotheses you have submitted in your history with this institution, but the evidence seems to weigh rather heavily against it. Without going into too much detail, let us say that:

A. The specimen looks like the head of a Barbie doll that a dog has chewed on. B. Clams don’t have teeth.

It is with feelings tinged with melancholy that we must deny your request to have the specimen carbon dated. This is partially due to the heavy load our lab must bear in it’s normal operation, and partly due to carbon dating’s notorious inaccuracy in fossils of recent geologic record. To the best of our knowledge, no Barbie dolls were produced prior to 1956 AD, and carbon dating is likely to produce wildly inaccurate results. Sadly, we must also deny your request that we approach the National Science Foundation’s Phylogeny Department with the concept of assigning your specimen the scientific name “Australopithecus spiff-arino.” Speaking personally, I, for one, fought tenaciously for the acceptance of your proposed taxonomy, but was ultimately voted down because the species name you selected was hyphenated, and didn’t really sound like it might be Latin.

However, we gladly accept your generous donation of this fascinating specimen to the museum. While it is undoubtedly not a hominid fossil, it is, nonetheless, yet another riveting example of the great body of work you seem to accumulate here so effortlessly. You should know that our Director has reserved a special shelf in his own office for the display of the specimens you have previously submitted to the Institution, and the entire staff speculates daily on what you will happen upon next in your digs at the site you have discovered in your back yard. We eagerly anticipate your trip to our nation’s capital that you proposed in your last letter, and several of us are pressing the Director to pay for it. We are particularly interested in hearing you expand on your theories surrounding the “trans-positating fillifitation of ferrous ions in a structural matrix” that makes the excellent juvenile Tyrannosaurus rex femur you recently discovered take on the deceptive appearance of a rusty 9-mm Sears Craftsman automotive crescent wrench.

Yours in Science,

Harvey Rowe Curator, Antiquities

NEW LANGUAGES BEING TAUGHT IN AMERICA

Afro-American Speak — Ebonics (or We-Beonics) Irish-American Speak — Leprechaunics Native-American Speak — Kimosabics Italo-American Speak — Spumonics (or Rigatonics) Chinese-American Speak — Won-tonics Japanese-American Speak — Mama-san-ics Polish-American Speak — Kielbasanics Jewish-American Speak — Zionics Russian-American Speak — Rasputonics Spanish-American Speak — Flan-ics Scottish-American Speak — Tartan-ics Eskimo-American Speak — Harpoonics German-American Speak — Autobaunics (or Teutonics) Candain-American Speak — EH?onics Florida Democratic Voters Speak — Moronics

____________________University

To: Professor____________________ From: __________________I think my grade in your course, ___________________, should be
changed from ______ to _______ for the following reasons:

______1. The persons who copied my paper made a higher grade than I did.
______2. The person whose paper I copied made a higher grade than I did.
______3. This course will lower my Grade Point Average and I won’t get into:
______ Law School
______Medical School ______Graduate School
______Dental School ______My Fraternity/Sorority
______The Mickey Mouse Club ______Tri County Tech
______4. I have to get an A in this course to balance the F in
_______________.
______5. I’ll lose my scholarship.
______6. I’m on a varsity sports team and my tutor couldn’t find a copy of your exam.
______7. I didn’t come to class and the person whose notes I used did not cover the material asked for on the exam.
______8. I studied the basic principles and the exam wanted every little fact.
______9. I learned all the facts and definitions but your exams asked about general principles.
_____10. You are prejudiced against:
______Males ______Jews ______Blacks
______Females ______Catholics ______Whites
______Protestants ______Moslems ______Minorities
______Chicanos ______People ______Students
_____11. If I flunk out of school my father will disinherit me or at least cut my allowance.
_____12. I was unable to do well in this course because of the following illness:
______mono______broken baby finger
______acute alcoholism______pregnancy
______VD______fatherhood
_____13. You told us to be creative but you didn’t tell us exactly how you wanted that done.
_____14. I was creative and you said I was just shooting the bull.
_____15. I don’t have a reason; I just want a higher grade.
_____16. The lectures were:
______too detailed to pick out important points
______not explained in sufficient detail
______too boring
______all jokes and not enough material
______all of the above
_____17. This course was:
______too early, I was not awake.
______at lunchtime, I was hungry
______too late, I was tired
_____18. My (dog, cat, gerbil) (ate, wet on, threw up on) my (book, notes, paper) for this course.
_____19. Other_____