Encyclopedia of Humor

Rules To Live By…
Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, The courage to change the things I cannot accept, And the wisdom to hide the bodies of those people I had to kill today because they pissed me off. Also, help me to be careful of the toes I step on today, as they may be connected to the ass that I may have to kiss tomorrow.

Little Johnny goes to school, and the teacher says “Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?”

Little Johnny waves his hand, “Me, miss, me, me!”

Teacher says “All right, little Johnny, what is your multi-syllable word?”

Little Johnny says “Mas-tur-bate.”

Teacher smiles and says “Wow, little Johnny, that’s a mouthful.”

Little Johnny says “No, miss, you’re thinking of a blowjob. I’m talking about a wank.”

Liz: I get so nervous and frightened during driving tests! Doctor: Never mind, you’ll pass eventually. Liz: But I’m the examiner!

Tom had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work. His boss was mad at him and threatened to fire him if he didn’t do something about it. So Tom went to his doctor who gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed.

Tom slept well and in fact beat the alarm in the morning. He had a leisurely breakfast and drove cheerfully to work. “Boss,” he said, “The pill actually worked!”

“That’s all fine” said the boss.
“But where were you yesterday?”

“When a customer comes into the shop, be very polite to them and try to put a little poetry into it when you’re talking to them.”

The youth says that he does not see what the pharmacist means by this, so the pharmacist says that he should observe when the next customer comes in and watch how he or she is dealt with.

Presently a middle aged woman comes in to the shop and asks for something for a tummy bug.

The pharmacist says, “There’s a lot of that virus going about, but this pink mixture should sort you out!”

“Oh thank you very much!” says the middle aged woman and she leaves the shop.

So the pharmacist says the youth can serve the next customer while he goes to tea break, “And remember to put some poetry into it” he says.

Anyway, the youth waits around and nobody comes in, so he decides to go to the restroom. Just as he’s about to nip off, a young teenage girl comes in.

“Can I help you?” he asks. She replies very embarrassedly that she would like to buy some sanitary towels, to which the youth replies :

“Hang on Miss, I’m dying for a piss, but I’ll be back in a flash, with a sash for your gash!”